*screams excitedly*

toby decided to lay down behind me as i was working on my laptop on the couch then my son laid down behind toby like a weird dog human centipede with out the gross parts

you know, i once caught my college boyfriend wearing my dress and bra and all i said to him was - you are stretching out my clothes, get your own dress.

heh i just had a weird idea

the sunlit night. a surprise movie that i didn't know about that i somehow find delightful because of jenny slate but the cast has good people in it

OKAY, PEOPLE, PLACES! WE ARE NOW ON A TIMER TO GET EVERY PERSON ON EARTH INTO APE COSTUMES FOR WHEN THEY GET BACK #ArtemisII

heh every time the arm is removed i'm like "wellp they are stuck now"

heh only because it took me a minute to find it

lol my daughter likes to play house on roblox? and so when she asks me to play i always ask to be the baby

i took toby for a walk this morning and it was like idk 70 out and he literally walked down the street, looked at me, did his business, and wanted to go home. we were outside for like five minutes

well now instagram thinks im trying to buy an apartment in nyc (i am not)

every time i hit save draft instead of delete

i listened to talk radio this morning and reporting on the war in a balanced way is fucking weird to listen to

Alright everyone, this is not a drill: April Fools starts in 30 minutes and we must all log off for the next 24 hours in order to avoid the worst day on the internet

i'm not really sure how but the sunscreen i've been looking for but couldn't find suddenly appeared on my desk today

i hung outside with neighbors without toby and he was bereft according to my boys

flower up close flower actual size

on this season of watching an article of clothing on j crew

this is like the second time this kid has narrowly avoided, hitting me on his scooter so if I die

it just occurred to me today that my ex had to make a whole new set of friends probably so he could get away with talking shit about me to people who didn't know me because everyone we knew together would have known he was lying about me.

a family friend has like ten kids so i assume they pay zero in taxes

i love my accountant because he is no nonsense to the point like i am

me to my brain just now: oh my god whose side are you on

i bent wrong and now my left shoulder is in agony so that's fun

anyhow it's time for me to shower while i can

my son has something auto clicking on his computer but every once in a while it like.. screams? so it's unsettling.

lmao i am trying this face mask but somehow it is... the same color as my skin so it doesnt look like i put anything on!?

in exciting personal news, my daughter and i cleaned my garage today

i laughed and might have to buy these

love to change company intranet in such a way that no one who wants to request time off can figure out how

queer eye but it's gay men teaching straight men how to selfie

i bought my oldest a new bike. it's super nice and really could be his bike forever if he chose. he seems very happy with it. i am excited for him.

could someone tell me what plant this is

sunny skate park day

can we make this the new #1 most blocked account pls

my baby took this pic i edited out a red light and a sign and recentered it but look how nice

listening to my teen and his friends trash talk is amusing

that guy gets it

too comfy to move

in a battle of wills but it is against my own mind

sigh i guess my kids really think im a dork now

you watch one find all ten ducks thing and then you are inundated with find all ten ducks things

guess number 29 is a good hearing test for people

no, I'm not gonna smile at you if you walk up on me with my dog behind me too close

my oldest child is officially taller than me if he doesn't slouch and stands straight and we face each other i am at eye level with his nose 😭

i guess today is my day to laugh too long at really horrific things that are also comical?

live your life in such a way that when your neighbors maybe see you murdered by your wife and kid they’re not like “thank god! it’s nice to see them happy for once!” www.cbsnews.com/amp/news/gar...

my carbs for lunch today are my daughter's pizza crust