Dating in the year 2025 Him: hey wanna meet up? Me: sure! what day works for you [days later] Me: hey there, are you still interested in meeting? Him: whoawhoawhoa you’re being very pushy rn

Me: ya no I’m totally cool with it Narrator: she was not in fact, ya no totally cool with it

Went on holiday for 4 days, came back Sat and this was Bagel’s reaction. I’m the worst

Look at him

Reddit keeps suggesting r/menopause and I’m about to pause my life

Gm from your favorite bagel

My brain all day: *aggressively anxious thoughts* My brain at 11pm when I’m trying to sleep: abra-cadab-abracadaaabra! feel the beat under your feet, the floor's on fire! abra-cadab-abracadaaabra!

Being an adult means spending hours online searching “best toilet reddit”

Peekaboo ya dummy

I’m medium happy here

Me: everyone who says nice things to me is lying Therapist: are you lying when you say nice things to others? Me: never Therapist: so why would you assume they are? Me: Therapist: Me: because shut up that’s why

WIFE: we're at a nice restaurant so please behave ME: ok WAITER: here is our tasting menu ME: WAITER: WIFE: go ahead ME: *tentatively licks menu*

The romantasy genre’s so popular with women cause the male main character always makes sure the female main character comes before he does and therein lies the fantasy

[ceo tossing and turning in bed] the air. the air they breathe should be a subscription service.

They should make a paintballing for sensitive boys, where we just gallivant through meadows gently daubing one another with watercolours.

My favorite thing about cats is how you can’t be near them but they can be near you

Nox-axolotl

Barista: have a good day Me: love you too

Got a letter in the mail from AARP addressed to my mom…who has been dead for 30yrs. So. There’s that. No follow up joke here. My brain’s literally void of thoughts, just renewed trauma floating around

Cat 911: what’s your emergency Cat: my human is bleeding to death! 911: stay calm. what happened Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so I scratched and bit her 911: Cat: 911: hahahaha Cat: ahahaHAHA Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

I got a stand mixer and went overboard

Getting your hair done at the salon gives you time to ask yourself the important questions like why your face has to look like your face

10am: tired 2pm: tired 5pm: tired 8pm: tired 11pm: popular. you’re gonna be pop-u-lar!

All the other scientists are yelling at me because I’m wearing the Doomsday Clock like Flavor Flav

I'm tired of "feel good" movies. I wanna watch something that absolutely ruins my life.

Yeah, I’m in my 40’s but I’ve got SWAG Some Weather related Arthritis Going on

Me: please just wait a little longer. Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving! She turns her back and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.

Nobody prepared me for the neverending cycle of dishes I’d be cleaning and putting away in my adulthood

If you’re feeling overwhelmed today, try the following: •read a book •adopt a dog •eat an ice cream cone •adopt another dog •take a nap with your dogs •adopt a cat to offset all the dogs •scream at a wall with your cat •adopt another dog

Person: wanna hold my baby? Me: no Person covered in bite marks & scratches: wanna hold my cat? Me: absolutely!!!!!!

Me: I need to shower My depression: you showered 3 days ago just fabreeze yourself it’s fine

[Scrolling through Netflix] No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No… *2 hours later* ...No

[Oregon Trail 1852] Doctor: Any final words? Man dying of dysentery: I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

Cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly Me: no I know this is a trap Cat: Me: Cat: *gives sad eyes* Me: sigh ok *pets belly* Cat: *claws & bites my hand* AhHhH I can’t help myself aha

My body: please...eat a vegetable Me: fine My body: that’s not fried

Feeling depressed during the holidays is so cliché. Grow up. Be depressed all the time

Doctor: I want you to eat 1200 calories Me: a meal? Doctor: a day Me: each meal Doctor: Me: Doctor: sure whatever

Me in my 20’s: leave the house in sweatpants? Absolutely not Me now: *wearing the same sweats jumpsuit for the 3rd day in a row* leave the house? Absolute not

I’m an extroverted introvert meaning I’m really fun to be around for approximately 6.5min and then I disappear for a week

Social anxiety is when you have a 5min conversation with someone and replay it over and over in your head for the next 15yrs cause you accidentally said thar instead of there

me: i have a bunch of anxiety rn brain: how bout a coffee me: idk sounds like a bad idea brain: iced coffee me: ok yeah that makes more sense

ME: *keeps stealing little glances at my date from over top of my menu* HER: you don't know what antipasto means do you? ME: why would anyone be against pasta?

ME: My cat knows when earthquakes are coming. I can tell by her behavior [cat packs suitcase] ME: That's the sign! Get under the desk!

Mark Ruffalo sounds like the name a dog would give if he was pretending to be a man.

Me: so you just roam around and eat all day? Zombie: *grunts* Me: and you don’t have to work? Zombie: *grunts* Me: but what about pets? Zombie cat walks up: *spits out a finger* grr hiss meow Me: okay I’m in

you’re singing. the grinch literally just stole Christmas and you’re singing.

Cat: *starts to climb in my lap* Me: *staying perfectly still* yesss I’ve been chosen Cat: fuck lady can you be any more desperate *uses my leg as a springboard & saunters away* Me: *clutching bleeding thigh* ⁿᵒᵒᵒᵒ