COW TOOLS COW TOOLS COW TOOLS

So I get screamed at for running with scissors, but when Harrison Ford runs with blades y'all wanna give him an Oscar?

I’m just glad the US military is finally focused on the real threats - Minnesota and Denmark.

[Police line-up, 3 regular guys, 1 giant ancient flying reptile, and 1 other regular guy] Detective: Ok, take your time, they can’t see you through the one way glass, now tell us which one is the pterrorist Ancient Flying Reptile’s Lawyer, bursting in: OBJECTION! LEADING THE WITNESS!

How dare you wear glasses as a fashion statement when you don’t even need them to see, you didn’t earn the right like the rest of us did by struggling to find your glasses when you wake up but needing your glasses to see well enough to find your glasses Still, that bookish look is super cute on you

they put a stopwatch on my duvet and now I can't use it until the countdown is finished, I think I've got the wrong sort of waited blanket

tried to be efficient by doing my Kegels at the same time as my meditation but now I just get turned on whenever I take a deep breath

Freedom is having to stay inside while murderous armed government agents roam the streets unchecked But having to stay inside to save lives during a deadly pandemic, that's tyranny

wikipedia turns 25 today! the last unenshittified major website! backbone of online info! triumph of humanity! powered by urge of unpaid randos to correct each other! somehow mostly reliable! "good thing wikipedia works in practice, because it sure doesn't work in theory" - old wiki adage

having a little sleep and waking up with inspiration for your project, call that a napiphany

Watching the new Star Trek: Starfleet Academy when this thought popped into my head and wouldn't go away until I got up and made it

Perhaps some MAGA folks have no problem defending Trump’s cover up of the Epstein files because they grew up in churches that covered up the sexual scandals committed by their pastors

imo all cookies are fortune cookies because aren't you fortunate to have a cookie?

Vinnie Jones is short for Vincent Jonathon Silly Billy is short for Silliam William and Luke Skywalker is short for a stormtrooper

One of my trans friends is enjoying her new additions

“Alright stop, lacerate from slippin’…”

Me, as a FedEx driver: I've got a delivery for a Mr. Bombastic? Shaggy: That's what they call me Me: & this is for Fantastic Shaggy: Yo Me: One for Mr. Ro-Ro-mantic Shaggy: I'll sign for that Me: And finally one for the guy who was caught butt naked bangin' on the bathroom floor Shaggy: It wasn't me

living in a world where the only two jobs are “gambling” and “murder” isn’t nearly as cool as Cowboy Bebop made it out to be

Diddler on the roof

I’ve been to London a few times, not as much as I’d like to have been. Not *once* did I ever feel in danger. Reform, their puppets and their puppeteers are all liars.

*posting on twitter* oh ho, I’ve made a wry observation. Better make sure a bunch of pedophiles see it

Not so sure about America's new slogan: Comply or Die (and you might still die anyway)

It sure went from "We're going to deport foreign criminals!" to "We're shooting innocent white ladies in the head 3 times for not showing sufficient subservience and then the president will have her branded her a domestic terrorist" pretty quick

identity used to just be iden before it started hrt

They will murder you for annoying them, claim you're a domestic terrorist, call themselves the victim, then desecrate your memory with deepfake porn on X the world's #1 AI CSAM generator All within the hour And while claiming they're the good guys

If you’re still using the CSAM generator X, or as I call it, Xhitter, the big question is, why? Why is this not a deal breaker for you? What is wrong with you?

This mummy from Samurai Jack with square breasts They done kiki'd her bouba

I was reading Wikipedia today and learned Davy Crockett was born with a third lobe that grew out of his forehead, it couldn't hear and looked crazy so that's why he wore his trademark coonskin hat to cover it, it's also where he got his full name and title: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Front Ear

It gets everywhere regardless of how careful you are

So this makes it only fair that another country can invade the US, arrest Trump, and take him away to be tried for his crimes?

It's fascinating to see the changes in one company's logo over the years.

Just snapped awake with the fear that I had failed to complete an assignment, that it was all my fault, and that my parents were furious Then after a few minutes it dawned on me It's Saturday morning, I'm in my 40s Guess that childhood ADHD guilt and terror just never really goes away does it

This is genuinely horrific. This is the kind of thing I'd expect from a nazi newspaper.

The steaks can't be higher...

Friend: Hey you like megaprojects, have you heard about this new world's larges... Me: Is it in Dubai, Saudi Arabia, or Qatar? Friend: Uh... Yeah? Me: Then fuck the oligarch slavers and fuck it

I liked a few posts people had shared of their home made pizzas, now I'm constantly seeing home made pizzas in my discover feed So I ordered pizza for dinner, and I'm going to eat it while browsing more delightful home made pizza posts

You can't afford to buy or fix a PC this year because AI needs that hardware so it can generate CSAM on twitter

Americans will literally elect a violent pedophile as president rather than tackle their systemic racism

Waiting 3 hours in line at a fan convention to speak to Helen Mirren and when my time finally comes I walk up to her and ask with a smirk "Hey Helen, have you ever tried mirin?" She looks at me blankly. I look back, my smirk fading. She looks back again blankly. 60 seconds pass...

Alternate universe where I accidentally knocked up Bob Marley so they renamed the whole genre of music to mpreggae

Hi. #Borbs

Punishing Trump would be a dangerous precedent It's better to have Trump be a dangerous president

A new show? Ugh. Why can’t I have already watched it, so I can relax, switch my mind off, and enjoy rewatching it?

The source for this meme is stored in documents/memes, on my own computer, I don't even need the internet to access it, revolutionary stuff

Probably not binary

Pathological liars have got to be loving AI gen

White supremacist Americans sure seem to hate where white people came from, Europe

Me: Can I have a go in the hedge now? Hedgehog: No.