Let me rip those walls off you. You look even better nakeder ♡

New Year's Eve is just an excuse to wear fancy clothes and pretend we've got our shit together.

Happy New Year Misfits! May your happiness be as contagious as measles. Your 2025 be filled with love, health, healing, and opportunities as plentiful as the phone notifications you ignore. May you get all you wish for, exist in your chosen timeline. AND may that email never find you!🔥

No. Only good things 😉

Santa's naughty list is just a list of all the people he wants sitting on his lap longer. Not only does Santa exist, he is, in fact, a pervert.

Merry Christmas, Happy ho hos, Festivus, Hanukkah, holidays –or KFC Day in Japan 🌲 Enjoy the food comas, stay safe 🎁 If your presents is required, and you just can't; yes you can. Just believe in your elf.

Why bother to wrap gifts, when you can just wrap me in you?

Quite apropos that I lost several peanut M&M's down my cleavage, and it is 'Chocolate Covered Anything Day,' so we can add boobs and bras to the list

Dr. Seuss gets a rap/hip-hop makeover Mr. Brown's got nothing on this beat 🎶

People who ask if "your boobs are natural," implies they have thoughts they could be supernatural

🖤

With you, I am more than merely the sum of my parts; I am whole ♡

Would you prefer being repossessed? No? Then settle that exorcism bill.

No babe, the Crocs stay on during sex. Now take those jorts off, and c'mere!

The perfect dessert does exist...

Five onion rings, Four spam mails, Three paper planes, Two nippley nips, And a raccoon, on your front lawn 🎶

The end of the year is basically: Sept: goths pre-gaming for October Oct: pumpkin everything, Halloween Nov: 55 days of Mariah Carey Thanksgiving 28 days of Black Friday Dec: 26 days of muttering 'fuck this' under your breath - a lot, breather before NYE, and then a 3 month January

Welcome to Monday. Enjoy your stay.

Turns out I'm still really shite at catching up on here. I'm time poor. I'll get to you all... Until then, patience, Grasshopper 🥹

American Express Launches Small Sweatshop Saturday theonion.com/american-exp...

Eating toffee is pushups for your face

Alexa…. Skip to Friday

Bouncing on it granny style (my knees hurt)

Nice food baby. When are you expecting?

It's all about that baste, 'bout that baste, 'bout that baste 🎶 - Turkey cookers, and IVF

Has anyone made a joke about being stuffed like a turkey, or gobbled like one yet, or nah? 👀

Naughty Things You Can Say On Thanksgiving: "Tying the legs together keeps it moist inside."

here is a handy visual guide to tell when your turkey is done

Not today, Kim. Not today 😂

I’m thankful for my liver for being mah dawg. And for vodka for all the great memories

Happy Turkey Day 🦃 I hope all celebrating survive the company and/or the food coma. Especially if it's with family, and your relatives lie someplace between 'somewhat' to 'completely' batshit.

Proof of life. Still alive. Been slacking on the socials. Because busy. And, no... Still not caught up.

Shitposters > Influencers

Thank you for following me. You've made a grave error.

The Andromeda Galaxy | NASA

Smh = sex might help!! 😏🥹

You either die an Ernie or live long enough to see yourself become a Bert.

I crave the way you touch my soul, as if you own the very essence of me.

People keep saying that Twitter was the app that ruined them. Unlike you Puritans, I was like this looong before social media 😏😂

Oof 🥹🥵

Still doing the drop and run thing. Will try catch up on the 10k notices soon 😂 It's been hectic as hell.

The ink would run out long before I ran out of words to immortalize you ♡

May your coffee be stronger than the bullshit.

Jokes on you, that's a rubber chicken in my pants

Calling the guest chair in my boss’s office the cuck chair

I don’t want to brag but I just spilt hot tea down my pants

Five authors I've read 5+ books by: William Gibson Kurt Vonnegut Philip K Dick Stephen King Ray Bradbury Sooo many more...

Ew, your starter pack is so gross without me in it.

Ground beef implies the existence of flying beef...