Last night, I has a dream that I was back in the Army. The entire dream was just me and two other sergeants arguing about how to properly line the troops up by height. To date, this is the most accurate dream about being a sergeant that I have ever had.

Recently, while checking out an antique shop and wondering if any items in it were haunted, a painting fell off the wall and smashed me in the face. So, I'm basically a human EMF reader.

I wonder if @sargethedestroyer.bsky.social has ever had a cheese frenchy sammich.

It'd be super cool if more Christians died for my sins.

These fucking goons can't help but grift. apnews.com/article/geor...

Totally hypothetical question: What if someone were to just blast an airhorn into their cellphone every time a telemarketer calls?

I'm pretty sure the latest assassin was going to let Patel live because he knew there was no way that moron could catch him. Kash Patel couldn't catch covid in a wet market.

I'm not normally a hot take guy, but let's be honest, an FBI led by Kash Patel couldn't find an elephant in a Volkswagen. If I go missing while that fucking wonky-eyed hobbit is in charge, just write my obituary and send some flowers to my mom.

Kid Rock makes music for people who like rap but hate black folks.

I know I'm not supposed to respond to scam texts, but I'm intrigued.

“Man is the most insane species. He worships an invisible God and destroys a visible Nature. Unaware that this Nature he’s destroying is this God he’s worshiping.” -- Hubert Reeves (1932 - 2023)

Yo, read my substack. It's free. open.substack.com/pub/sargethe...

Hey @nasawebb.extwitter.link, see, I can take cool pictures of the sky too! The moon, Venus, and Regulus lined up this morning.

So, MAGA influencer/SoundCloud-level rapper/Raggedy Ann wearing a Post Malone Halloween costume, Tom MacDonald has a new song out...

Apparently, the only way to get the US Government to give a shit about the safety of Ukrainians is to bring them to America. apnews.com/article/char...

This could be us but you playin, @massgov.bsky.social.

RIP Cobes. Dude was a legend. YouTuber KingCobraJFS, Joshua Saunders, dies at 34 | The Express Tribune share.google/Gms9qTS7YpSA...

At this point, Lindsey Graham is the only person who doesn't know that Lindsey Graham is gay.

I love Peter Jackson. He's an incredible director, but why does every picture of him look like he just got arrested for pooping through a sunroof?

A Viking funeral, but you deep fry me in batter, then finish me with powdered sugar and strawberries and serve me up like a funnel cake.

"McDonalds is the place to rock." - Wesley Willis

i did not give you permission to tickle my fancy

I'm not sure how or why mothman became a queer icon by I 100% support this.

I don’t want a career. I want to stay home and write cute little book reviews no one asked for.

Nothing to see here, folks.

It kind of blows my mind that RFK Jr has more holes in his brain than any other Kennedy.

Jellyroll makes music for people who buy their jewelry and motor oil in the same place.

There is a loneliness epidemic amongst young conservative men and I am shocked. You'd think women would flock to someone who's built their entire personality around Wintergreen Kodiak and overt misogyny.

This is my favorite break-up of all time.

Shout-out to my gym cleaning crew for using so much bleach, the naked old guy had a flashback to World War I.

THIS IS so TRUE! "Planting the garden instead of ripping it out" is what really spoke to me!

I have a bad feeling about this.

ffs how many years in a row did I shit my pants at the zoo, I hate facebook memories

I got chills. They're doing long division.

BREAKING: THE SUBSTITUTE POPE HAS WHEELED THE CART WITH THE TV AND VCR INTO THE VATICAN

Pope should be the past tense for poop.

Imagine digging your way out of some tomb and people are all “yeah tomorrow’s Monday.”

[going through my shitty coworkers car and stealing his copy of The Downward Spiral by Nine Inch Nails on CD] keep your friends close… …and your enemy’s Closer

ham on easter is code for clapping cheeks in the name of jesus

3 and a half years ago, I started working out. I've come a long way.

Shoutout to the guy who absolutely wrecked the bathroom at LA Fitness this morning. Based on the sound alone, I'm guessing you're going to need a couple of stitches.

I just feel like shouting out to my people here. Hey eyyy! @piratebill.bsky.social @octopuscaveman.bsky.social @patnspankme.bsky.social @sarahwanh.bsky.social @sargethedestroyer.bsky.social @maynerdrules.bsky.social @mariana057.bsky.social

"I'd nail that." - Pontius Pilate

Apparently, the president does not like this portrait hanging in the Colorado state capital and asked that it be taken down. I guess he doesn't know about the Streisand effect.

Shout out to the guy at my gym wearing fingerless gloves on the leg press. Forever vigilant, forever prepared.

Felt cute, might delete later, idk.

During the Korean war, my uncle Bobby lied about his age so that he could serve his country. He was captured as a POW. On a completely unrelated note,Donald Trump had bone spurs... so he couldn't go to Vietnam.

Uh-oh, it seems like the very smart and good idea of not voting for Harris because of her support of Isreal has backfired. What a completely unexpected turn of events that literally everyone saw coming. www.nbcnews.com/politics/pol...