[sweaty, 90 minutes into a speech talking about how Big And Strong Raul Mondesi was] we like to say SASAKI, right? SASASKI, where is-SASASKI-where is he? [pointing at Yamamoto] there he- [pretends to throw fastball] lot of speed with regard to fast

worth noting that the second rich people stopped being afraid of mobs tearing them limb from limb, they stopped building libraries and opera houses and stuff and started ripping the copper wiring out of the walls of society instead

Stuck Inside of Mobile With The Memphis Blues Again

If 100,000 people RT this, I will get a BBL

im building machines that i keep saying will both throw you out of work and allow masked special police forces in service to a lunatic i bought and paid for to recognize your face and check if i agree with your beliefs. im part of a pedophile ring that put this into motion. why are you rude to me

Stephen Miller: [30 days from now] Look, the president shits himself in most meetings. The president shits where he wants. You people in the media, you're so obsessed with who shit whose pants, and by the time you're done figuring it out, we'll be shitting in a thousand different pairs of pants.

Imagine being allowed to look at Lupita Nyong'o and complaining about it

DHS said that the woman CBP shot in the chest in Portland was “involved” in a gang shooting. Her ~involvement~ was that suspected gang members sexually assaulted and robbed her.

The more I hear about this Epstein character, the more I begin to suspect he was bad news

Look for the helpers!

Y’all wanna see bots try to throw a dead body over a wall

"So there's one guy in the lineup who just hits, right? Well, shouldn't everyone hit? Why don't they make the whole lineup out of the DH???"

I'll say this for the Arraez signing: it's fun to freak out about baseball on social media

Arraez won the batting title in 2024 and was worth 1.0 rWAR Last year he did not win the batting title but was all the way up to 1.2 rWAR!

People say Heliot struggles with defense but he's doing a great job DEFENDING HIMSELF FROM MY CRITICISM right now

From: Jeffrey Epstein To: Cain From The Bible Date: March 7th, 3000BC Subject: Re: Thinking of killing my brother? 👀👀 go for it it wouljld be extremlry sexy to invenf thr cornvept of murder snd yherefore curse mankind fur eternkity ;) ;)

skaters will not have this problem should they choose to skate with the universally beloved music of the Mountain Goats

Lawyer here. There’s a lot of misinformation about what this means. It means he’s innocent even though he did it and the judge said that it’s good what he did

one avoids stanning, and sorry to bring twitter over here, but we fucking stan

Homan's face is absolutely timeless, in the sense that it could belong to an SS commandant overseeing a "work camp," a Confederate captain gleefully selling free Black people into slavery, or a Roman centurion about to nail a guy named Jesus to a cross

Giuseppe Sala, the mayor of Milan said in a telephone interview that the “Bringing to Milan a militia which distinguished itself — this is not my opinion — with criminal acts, which kills, which enters in the homes of American citizens without authorization, I do not think that that is a good idea”

lmao

if i was a travelling bard in 2153 roaming the landscape after the fall of the west i would probably tell a parable of two brothers, bovino, strong like a cow, and bongino, loud like a bell, who were both so stupid they destroyed themselves

(Checks watch) weird how it's always Eat Shit Trevor Bauer o'clock

I'm gonna take this opportunity to admit that I sold mushrooms to some norms circa 1984 and I stepped on their dose (by eating half of it myself) so bad that they confronted me about it four months later when school let back in. one of them is MAGA now so I wish I'd just ripped him off outright.

Irrevocably and permanently damaging the civil rights of dozens of ICE guys by playing the Butthole Surfers' 1988 album "Hairway To Steven" from a boombox outside the Hilton Garden Inn in suburban Minneapolis where they're all staying. JD Vance does a tweet about it that starts "Wow. Really?"

Lot of conservative dudes out there telling on themselves by being astounded by a level of ”logistics” that the average mom has to manage every fucking day

I got fooled by someone who is famous for being a conman until it was too late. Here’s why that’s actually smarter than seeing it coming:

Newsmax fabricated a quote from me about my father Richard Zimmer today. They never contacted me. It's not just outrageous but funny. He was talented in many ways, but most definitely not at golf or cooking or craftsmanship. www.newsmax.com/john-gizzi/z...

The guy that runs the Reddit where people post about patting their cat on the butt like bongos has put his foot down

Absolute banger of a comment on r/military: www.reddit.com/r/Military/c...

Van Hollen: "They really think the American people are stupid. I mean, we can all see the video. We saw the video with Renee Good. We saw the video with Alex Pretti. The real domestic terrorists are in the White House right now."

This sure seems more like the tyranny the Constitution is supposed to protect against than forgiving student loans.

I would like for trump and vance to summarily execute fewer people in Minnesota, sorry to sound partisan

I got a request from a reporter about Trump's statement that "what happened to global warming?" w.r.t. the cold event covering much of the U.S. this weekend. Here is my reply.

Read this and consider how these two women who, after being attacked by violent thugs, literally saved the life of their abuser. And then ICE continued taking them hostage. People who work with this administration in its pursuit of fascism are not part of the same social contract that we are.

Remember kids, cheating by using steroids is WRONG. Cheating by using trash cans is FINE. Learn the rules.

RIP Dr. King. You would have loved Zack’s fields of insanely dank shit

imagine waking up and all you have to do is scurry through the woods and make weird noises. pretty cool right? WRONG. I've been doing that for the past 6 months and my wife has left me

Only a difference of 67 total offensive yards right now, huh? Must be a close one!

lmao incredible

All right, time for Josh Allen to seal the deal by throwing one last interception

A lot of people don’t want to know about the thing; they’re just mad no one is pushing the magic button that will make the thing go away.