me: I would die for you friend: would you give me a ride to the airport? me: ...would you rather I die for you instead? friend: no, the ride is enough me: I'd prefer the other option if possible

Oh no! NOT Woody Allen!

I teach my children NEVER to lie. Unless you’ve already lied and further lies are the only way to cover your tracks.

“Is Portland a crime ridden hellscape? According to liars, the answer is yes.”

My wife is mad at me because she walked in on me masturbating, which is completely unreasonable. Masturbation is totally normal. And also you shouldn’t just barge in on someone without knocking when they are in the kitchen.

I’m tired of people assuming family is about who you are related to by blood, instead of who you love. All families are different. And if my child’s birth parents were so great, then why was it so easy for me to kidnap her?

Did you know that in the palace of Versailles, where French kings and queens lived and held court, people would just pee wherever on the walls, like inside? That’s a true fact. When I learned this, it caused a “Eureka!” moment for me that was the beginning of the end of my marriage.

Are you mad at me? Everyone who sees this post please comment below ⬇️ whether or not you are mad at me. If you choose not to reply, no worries, I will just continue to assume you are mad at me.

Hold on I have to go to the bathroom. Nobody do any funny posts until I get back, I don’t want to miss any good ones.

Goldfish 1: knock knock Goldfish 2: who's there Goldfish 1: who's where Goldfish 2: what

I NEVER sit with my back to a door, I ALWAYS open carry when walking my dog off leash, I ONLY wear jorts that fall below the knee, and I WILL marry your sister for just over six months. Oh and our registry has a deepfake nude poster of Jessica Alba from Sin City. If you haven't bought anything yet.

One small upside to having one of your eyeballs ripped out by a hawk and having to wear an eyepatch for the rest of your life is you could do a really good wink at the ladies. You’d just blink and it would look like a perfect wink because your other eye would be covered by an eyepatch.

Do NOT raise (or lower) the roof. Keep all roofs where they are. They were put at that particular height for a perfectly good reason I’m sure.

Got damn

Challenged a guy to a fight at a bar to impress a lady I had met and fallen in love with minutes before but I stood up too fast off the bar stool and got all woozy for a second from low blood pressure and spilled my drink on my pants so it looked like I peed my pants

…for turning you gay

11/10 social media work by the Durham Bulls

Do you remember who the mayor is in Jaws 2? IT’S THE SAME MAYOR FROM JAWS 1! THEY RE-ELECTED THE GUY WHO WOULDN’T SHUT DOWN THE BEACHES IN JAWS 1! My point is, local elections matter.

Is anybody actually turning off their cell phone when they pump gas? Like nobody does that and gas stations don’t appear to be blowing up, so can we even trust signs anymore?

Everything Trump is doing is just a distraction from everything else Trump is doing. Quit getting distracted Democrats! Stay focused on everything!

Checking in on r/lsd

I joined Bluesky exactly two years ago and I wrote a piece about my thoughts on the platform - how it's been coming along so far and where it seems fated to go. Thanks for reading.

I can’t get a job because of affirmative action and DEI. Employers refuse to hire qualified white men who are racist jerks. This is reverse discrimination, not giving me opportunities just because of the color of my skin and the offensive things I say.

I think it’s time humans admit toes are weird. Fingers make sense, they are functional. Toes are like if an AI was supposed to make a hand with fingers but failed. Toes are just weird. Why is there not more attention on this issue?

“I thought Trump would only deport weird loners with no family. Like they were an only child and then their parents died and they are infertile and also repulsive so they don’t have a spouse and are all alone so no one is be sad when they get deported. But he’s deporting people with family members?”

I bet Julia Roberts hates this picture of herself from Mona Lisa smile. Because there are a’s all over her. It’s distracting.

😞

Judge Gives Trump Administration 3 Days To Return Her From El Salvador Prison

I've seen enough: Democratic Supreme Court Justice Allison Riggs has just won, provided NCSBE interpretation of NC Court of Appeals ruling holds. Math is no longer there for Griffin to overcome 734-vote deficit. Still need court confirmation before 100% calling. #ncpol

Elon texted Ashley St Clair that he’d have to impregnate other women in order to create a “Legion” of his genetic legacy. He built a compound for all the mothers and babies. He’s bonkers. www.wsj.com/politics/elo...

YOUR NEXT - dashare.zone ADMIN

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit "what'll ya have?" The rabbit says "I dunno. I'm only here because of autocorrect." 🤣🤣

Get our ass!

🤼‍♂️

*DING DONG!* ME: Don’t press that! My doorbell bill is already $1000 per month HER: They have you paying by the ring? Who’s ringing your doorbell so much? ME: Door to door salesman HER: What are they selling? ME: Competing doorbell subscriptions

Hey guys meta announced a new policy where they send a killer to get you so be sure to go to settings>my account > killer> disable killer to turn that off

Drake rn:

Most of the world’s brightest minds are hard at work developing new ways for you to get depression from a computer

Sunday comics have really changed

This should be an Onion headline. Unbelievable.

“Burn it” 1 of 2

About time they renamed the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America. Next we need to change the name of New Mexico to New America. And New York to New America. And New Hampshire to New America.

Boston Market recently changed their name to Boston MARKET, a move that increased their market capitalization by 500%