In honor of Mr. Rogers’ birthday, here’s your regularly scheduled reminder that the quote of his you keep sharing, that in times of crisis we should look for the helpers, was for his audience of children. We’re adults now. We’re supposed to *be* the helpers.

"Live in one of the three walkable U.S. cities."

Broke: Gary Oldman implies the existence of Gary Youngman. Woke: Gary Oldman implies the existence of Gary Oldwoman. Bespoke: Gary Oldman implies the existence of Gary Oldman.

The “everything bagel” implies the existence of the “nothing bagel”; a void bagel of pure nothingness. It has no form or weight, yet still exists in the corporeal realm. If one were ever able to touch the nothing bagel to the everything bagel, reality would crumble. Do not eat the nothing bagel.

I'm really glad to be able to share this with you. (I specifically didn't mention the war because I didn't want that to hang over this but it is still hanging over this.)

"did you know the USPS is losing money" no I didn't know and I still don't care do you know how much money your president has lost you since January

I’ve got a kind of weirdly proportioned torso, so t-shirts don’t always fit great. Found a t-shirt company whose shirts actually fit me really well. I think I look great in them. But they really only do branded shirts. So now I’ve got just a bunch of t-shirts with random soda logos on them.

WHEN THE DISCOURSE IS CURSED AND THE TAKES AT THEIR WORST, THAT'S AMOOOOREEEEEEE

I, too, am calling for people to cut oil demand. In addition to these ideas, also try demanding: -adequate funding for transit operations, -protected bike lanes, and -an end to freeway expansions.

Due to high geopolitical tensions, sports fans are temporarily required to contextualize their posts, for example: ❌ OH GOD OH NO OH FUCK ✔️ OH GOD OH NO OH FUCK how did he make that basketball go in the hole

Pope Leo is the first Pope to have ever experienced the US healthcare system, so there's that

Just got my first ever MRI and not gonna lie I almost fell asleep while it was happening.

This is no joke. Helium is only made slowly via radioactive decay and we use it far faster than it's produced in unusable quantities. It's critical for physics and astronomy tech as well. But kids love balloons, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Big iced tea matchup on Friday

I want to laugh about this but all I can think about is the piles of money the project set on fire and the number of jobs it destroyed.

Well, officer, the reason I’m naked in the street is that I was just bringing back the origins of leprechauns for St. Patrick’s Day.

Time to put your best depressive self forward!

Al Borland would eat a woman out and Tim Taylor would make an entire week of his TV show a series of thinly veiled references that nobody asked for or wanted about how unmanly it is to eat a woman out while making analogies to Binford power sanders. In this essay, I will…

🎵 Hey baby I hear the blues a callin’…

friend, this is Marcus Junius Brutus CAESAR has declared himself DICTATOR FOR LIFE and MUST BE STOPPED can you rush a donation of ten denarii today to show that you STAND WITH THE REPUBLIC?

The not-chronically-online don’t know about any of this. And if you explained it to them, you’d look like the Always Sunny / Charlie’s conspiracy board gif. And that’s before you explain how it snowballed into a Trump win in 2016. And yet every word is true.

I used to feel bad for Star Wars droids. People were so mean to them when they’re just lil guys doing their best, doing what they’re programmed to do. Now that we have genAI, I get it. If ChatGPT had a metal body and followed me around, I’d probably try to nudge it into a ditch.

Just so we're all clear, this is a war crime and would be punishable by life or death under U.S. law.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Hot take: if you can't cook well with tofu, you can't cook well. Because tofu is a blank canvas. It does what you tell it to. If you have the basics down—deep frying, searing, sauces, seasonings, etc.—you can make good tofu. If your tofu dishes suck... well.

Heard some weird squishing noises when walking on my area rug. Pulled back a corner and… yep. Water squishing out from under my floorboards.

I had planned to travel back to Colorado in May for my nephew’s high school graduation (because somehow he’s 18 what the fuck) but now I’m like “who knows if there will be any affordable way to travel that far by May? Or maybe we’ll all just be dead anyway. Hard to say.”

Increased compe-tits-tion is this anything?

Does anybody else remember the time Mitt Romney made a big deal on Twitter about dressing up like Ted Lasso for Halloween and we all roasted him for it? I’m sure it happened but it feels like a fever dream now. Imagine that being the thing to yell at politicians about.

A striking feature of Trump and his team is: they somehow imagine a world in which they are the only actors, only ones with power, and whether it's Tehran or Minneapolis are surprised when it turns out others do. There are many kinds of power and many nations with power.

In high school, my girlfriend demanded to know my computer password. So I told her. 30 seconds after she logged out I changed it to a long string of characters I knew she would never remember. Her: It’s not working! Me: I changed the password. Her: Tell me the new one! Me: qxpjtcuiordgaf Her: 😡

In our latest episode of @thewaroncars.bsky.social, we talked to researchers from ASU who found that 1 in 5 Americans is strongly interested in car-free living, and another 40 percent are somewhat interested. Imagine those #s if we had better infrastructure. podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/a...

Why Do Some People Still Wear Masks In 2026 And On A Completely Unrelated Note Why Is Everyone In The Office Sick Right Now Apart From The Guy In The Mask?

Me: I think there should be more songs about formal logic. Wife: oh? Me: <to the tune of “All the Small Things”> 🎵 Say it ain’t q If p then q Then you will see Also not p NA NA NA NA NA NA🎵 Wife: thank you for reminding me why I love you. Me: oh, this is what got you going, huh?

I don't want a fast food take on creme brulee, I want to maximize how much I hate myself

Taco Bell, I hate your new bougie food rollouts and $7 price points. Put a stoner in charge, make the food cheaper, and give me a million dollars for literature

We never have money to house people, or feed people, or fix crumbling infrastructure, or public transit, or healthcare. But somehow we always have money to kill people in the other side of the globe.

$11.3 billion could cover any of the following for a full year: -1.4 million people on Medicaid -19 million kids getting free school lunches -1.4 million people getting affordable housing -1.1 million hungry seniors fed -0.8 million children given free child care

At this point it's barely even a boycott, I've just stopped thinking of Target as a place to buy the things I used to buy at Target.

Kenyan workers are still the underpaid labor behind AI training, moderation, and sex chatbots. The Data Labelers Association is fighting back.

HOLY SHIT

There are a handful of maladies where you can easily complain about in public —headaches, fatigue, coughs, etc.— and also a handful of them where heaven forbid you mention them in polite company and I regret to inform you I have the latter.

As if your week weren't going badly enough already, here's a video about the NES Power Glove. Sorry about that. youtu.be/CiBzXcOER0o