She yum on my yuck until I… (weary sigh) I don’t know… bounce on it?

My Immortal has all those outfit descriptions because it was written for the stage

Can’t stop thinking about this ad for off-brand Zyn instructing the reader to Forget Everything You Know

Trying to explain to my dentist that there's 4 quadrants plus middles AND each one is front/back and no one can possibly keep track of all that, but getting so worked up that I break down and just cry into his shoulder again

This reads like a @baybayfriend.bsky.social comic hip-hop-music.fandom.com/wiki/Mathema...

AI: can’t live with it, can’t live without it! 🤣

“I’ll listen to anything but weirdcore and hyperpop.” My son and the waiter both roll their eyes

Unfollow me if you wouldn’t die for Hunter Biden today, right now

I’m precog but stupid so it’s basically a wash

When dogs wag their tails in their sleep they are dreaming about having smartphones

I pressed the button and it started reading some of y’all’s posts

They’re coming out with a new even sexier number that I’m being told makes 69 look completely puerile

Male cats are bisexual 

i don't mean to single out baseball fans here, because you see this in lots of fan communities, but in certain corners people talk as though baseball is real. they think all the players are real people and the stadiums are places you can actually visit. to each their own, but that cannot be healthy

I fuck with Hunter Biden I fuck on Hunter Biden I swag like Hunter Biden I smoke like Hunter Biden I look like Hunter Biden My shit all Hunter Biden I bang for Hunter Biden I’d die for Hunter Biden

ʙ ᴏ ᴜ ɴ ᴄ ɪ ɴ ɢ ᴏ ɴ ɪ ᴛ . ʙ ᴏ ᴜ ɴ ᴄ ɪ ɴ ɢ ᴏ ɴ ɪ ᴛ . . ʙ ᴏ ᴜ ɴ ᴄ ɪ ɴ ɢ ᴏ ɴ ɪ ᴛ . . . ʙ ᴏ ᴜ ɴ ᴄ ɪ ɴ ɢ ᴏ ɴ ɪ ᴛ . ʙ ᴏ ᴜ ɴ ᴄ ɪ ɴ ɢ ᴏ ɴ ɪ ᴛ . . ʙ ᴏ ᴜ ɴ ᴄ ɪ ɴ ɢ ᴏ ɴ ɪ ᴛ . . .

Wife cried out Sufjan Stevens’s name in bed, and completely butchered the pronunciation…

Has anyone thought about what “aura farm” implies the existence of? I feel like something along those lines could be quite funny as fuck…

Today I saw a post that was like “I once saw an adult ref of a youth soccer league kiss his red card before the game” and now it’s gone. Absolute banger, to dust. RIP

The three-shawty problem

the name's james bond. james bond

They should make a less bouncy trampoline that you could just chill around or eat food off of

Words like wren, lark, and newt are short but rarely used. We should rename those animals and use those words to mean something we talk about every day, like monetization, or algorithm. We would save so much time if “cryptocurrency” were called “stoat”, or if “data center” were called “crake”

No one makes pants for men with delicious round asses 😩

That on Which America Runs

Oh? You're enjoying that plum? That's because it's a fucking plucot, you moron

new cinephile technique "method watching" when you watch a movie and then act and talk like the main character around your girlfriend for 2 months

Hey are any of you grooming me? I don’t think so but lmk if you are

Salacious, tell-all PhD thesis introduction

I've heard a lot of people complaining about their Instagram or tiktok algorithms lately. Here's my easy fix for it: open the app and search "moose fight". This is how you get to see the good shit

While I may be a cis man, I’m culturally 3 years on HRT

They were cooking with the colors of the rainbow until they tried to pull that indigo/violet shit

With this statement I hereby declare that I do not give my haters permission to depict me as the soyjak. It is strictly forbidden for my haters to utilize my likeness, past present or future, to insinuate that I am the soyjak whereas they are the chad. Might not work, but it can’t hurt!

yeah eat shit haters

If you’re a barber who cuts the hair of all barbers who don’t cut their own hair and you don’t cut your own hair, you have no heart. If you’re a barber who cuts the hair of all barbers who don’t cut their own hair and you do cut your own hair, you have no brain

Sinks are known to the state of California to help you with water

Smosh is soooo funny, but also, when they make real art it’s actually really good as well…

I asked AI to redesign the 12 months of our outdated "Gregorian calendar" and what happened next surprised me: it began kissing, licking, teasing me in all of my most private places... Before I knew it, I was hooking up with an "agentic" AI - and it was a generous erotic partner!

woman goes to doctor, says shes anhedonic, so dry. can't get off. doctor says, "treatment is simple. iris is in town tonight. she knows how to download those good ＡＶ with girls and boys in uniforms. ask her to send them to you." woman breaks into tears. "but doctor

Medical professionals agree that I’m the only one who knows how to use Q-tips correctly. So if any of you need your ears cleaned, just let me know and I’ll do it for you

fwiw, 2L of room temperature tap water would fix most of you

earlier today there was a group of 10 year olds on the train saying stuff to each other like "i am 31 years old" and "i just turned 34" and laughing harder and harder each time

tshirt idea I had

If you ever see British daytime television, you'll notice at times the host will look directly at the camera and make statements - this is them using their arts to make your Nan go insane, it is their command voice.

citadel is crashing out in the sec comments. citadel is seething. citadel is depicting itself as the virgin soyjak

It's a testament to human genius that we put spaceships into space. They work way better up there than down here on Earth

I just want to say, as a sensible moderate, that it's only democracy when my side wins. I also want to add that to keep my enemy—I'm not afraid to use the word—out of power is worth any price politically. this is a new kind of enemy, and also an old one (hitler). the old rules don't apply. I'm norma

Sorry guys, I ran all my cluster B she/they posts past my wife and she vetoed them all. She gave me permission to make this statement though: I respect and admire cluster B she/theys, and I wish them all the best in their various endeavors