i want my friends to remember me fondly. and my enemies to remember me as The Creature

I paid $6.69 for 18 eggs, which is a lot, but once you remember that we live in hell it feels like a great deal

what the fuck is going on anymore

I never thought the end would be soul crushingly stupid.

Lord grant me the same confidence as an elderly woman in the dealership waiting area who lets her phone finish ringing on max volume after glancing at it and muttering, “hell no” under her breath.

in terms of professions that do indeed owe you something, politician is actually one of the big ones

Nancy in the House of Leaves

Happy ten years to this bad boy.

Philly is a special place because, win or lose, something will definitely be set on fire

It’s easy to think of all government spending as inherently wasteful if your definition of waste is “money that I don’t get to have, personally”

"Things might be tough but it's great for artists! They'll create more!" You might not believe me but going through a lifetime's worth of stress Every Single Week for years and years- is actually not the optimal set of circumstances that inspires artists to create

The remote work debate was funny because it forced the question "Is a job something valuable you do or is it a place you go to be watched like daycare" and the answer for a lot of them was yeah it's the daycare thing now come on inside recess is over

Who in this spinning globe of chaos called the world would want a lavender Peep??

I did not know it was possible to be allergic to the little sticky EKG tabs but I have vividly found this out in the form of postage-shaped hives everywhere I had a lead.

Absurd amount of pride at hearing the med tech say I was her favorite patient of the day. Feel as though I won “going to the specialist’s office,” something it is both normal and reasonable to strive for. My body may be a junkyard collection of faulty parts, but I can be patient and make you laugh.

It seems a cruel prank to make the dissolvable anti-nausea medicine mixed berry flavor. Trying not to vomit at work? Suck on this melty version of La Croix.

My alarm clock is going to die a painful electronic death if it keeps creaking on my headboard every time I move in bed.

seeing people lamenting folks leaving twitter like it's somehow important to be there when they're really saying "you should be shouting into my preferred void, not this new void"

Exclamation points in written sex scenes should be banned. I would run for governor on this platform alone.

sorry man i can’t hang out i need to lay down and feel weird for the rest of the night

I used a different kind of mouthwash this morning and now my mouth tastes like I sucked off a dying mint plant in the middle of the Serengeti

my favorite Miss Manners column (from 2002) was on my fridge for years and it finally gave up the ghost. found it to print it out again, and it seemed selfish not to share.

Going to build cry breaks into my schedule, like naps for a toddler, except it’ll be 10 minutes of me ugly crying in the afternoon five days per week between patients.

Things I did on this long weekend: - Spectacularly fuck up a batch of cookies - Read voraciously, like I was 10 years old again - Eat my weight in chicken BBQ - A solitary load of laundry - Legos - Meet with a friend who needed help Things I did not do: - Charting - Anything remotely productive

Rewatching Broadchurch for the third time and it still gives me the chills.

when you quit an app it’s best to keep your account active but delete all your posts except one reading “croatoan”

If I had a nickel for every time someone in a professional setting said to me “I don’t like your face,” I’d have two nickels, which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it’s happened twice. Specifically, “I don’t like your face.” The fuck am I supposed to do with that? Apologize?

every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea

I think that lying naked on the bed and singing from memory “I am the very model of a modern major general” is a perfectly normal way to spend an evening, actually.