This Weeks Onion Magazine: You’re Not Wrong, Babies Are Getting Worse: Enshittification Comes For A Once-Beloved Classic

Overambitious Man Wants To Get 2 Things Done Today https://theonion.com/overambitious-man-wants-to-get-2-things-done-today/

Man, ANOTHER thing Hideo Kojima predicted with scary accuracy

Wishing The Toxic Spider Thekla a happy birthday!

I am issuing a prediction: at some point in his combined ownership of the Portland Trail Blazers and the Carolina Hurricanes, Tom Dundon is accidentally going to put on the wrong black quarter-zip with a red-black-and-white swirly logo on the upper-left chest area

Took long enough

L - North Korea R - Miami

Alex Jones has created a justice system wholly unto himself by threatening judges and anyone in his way with the very threats that bankrupted him — unrelenting harassment of innocent people and their families. It will work as long as the courts let it. Remove this stay. Give these parents justice.

This is it, this is what we need: www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

INCOMING! #AEWDynamite

Camera guy got ROCKED #AEWDynamite

Holy shit Darby and Brody #AEWDynamite

WE'RE CLOSED. #AEWDynamite

“we want nyla” sign in the crowd :) #aewdynamite

Swerve vs Bandido??!!! #AEWDoN

DROPKICK!!! #AEWDynamite

Okada’s drop kick is goddamn beautiful #AEWDynamite

Teal Man Jones over here 🐆 #AEWDynamite

#AEW has really improved their music promos to hype up feuds.

Can Carmella check to see if he asked Mistico's permission?

"We can't expand the Supreme Court. Republicans will just do it, too, and they'll make our lives miserable." Sweetie... our lives are already miserable under the Supreme Court. Pray tell, what the fuck do we have to lose at this point?

Flyers Fans Not Sure  Whether Gritty  Supposed To Be Eating Live Bird https://theonion.com/flyers-fans-not-sure-whether-gritty-supposed-to-be-eating-live-bird/

As Bimbo Bakeries moves its U.S. HQ out of the Philly area, the Union’s jersey sponsorship isn’t affected yet. Here’s what a team spokesperson told me today: www.inquirer.com/soccer/bimbo... via @phillysport.bsky.social

Carlos Silva when the NFL announces its Thursday night schedule...

Supreme Court Overturns ‘Right v. Wrong’ https://theonion.com/supreme-court-overturns-right-v-wrong-1819573211/

Don’t Get Worked Up About the NCAA Tournament Expanding to 76 Teams: TRAINA THOUGHTS

'Disappointed, "Surprised," 'Betrayed': 12 Toddlers on Where Did Mom Go Peekaboo Oh There She Is

Father's Dying Wish A Real Hassle https://theonion.com/fathers-dying-wish-a-real-hassle-1819566452/

Depraved Inbred Community Distances Itself From Prince Andrew

Vancouver Mayor Ken Sim has just released a statement on #VWFC

These people are so fucking stupid. Just complete morons, I’m in awe they’re able to hold a regular job.

Trump Spins Dinner Shooting for Ballroom Agenda & Blitzer Is CNN's One-Shoed Hero youtu.be/X_JEZMEw_-Q

NEW: A rule change pushed by White House officials would slash benefits or end support for as many as 400,000 Supplemental Security Income recipients with Down syndrome, dementia and other disabilities whose parents or relatives receive SNAP benefits.

The UAE is joining the new PAC-12.

Would love him over here for #DOOP , however we are currently total ass at the moment

Casual Mongo. But Pepe is not casual. Pepe does not do casual.

DOJ To Bring Back Firing Squad As Means Of Entertainment https://theonion.com/doj-to-bring-back-firing-squad-as-means-of-entertainment/

every time someone's like Claude deleted this or Claude convinced a teen to kill themselves I picture a mischievous french guy

Good statement, Dallas should've had it ready to go two weeks ago

Charity Bowl would be the highest paid player on the @philadelphiaunion.com #DOOP www.capology.com/club/philade...

Seriously, this is just The Boys plot line at this point

Stop using AI for your sandwich ads.

🧑‍🌾 WATCH: “If farmers contract cancer from this chemical, if this makes it into the Farm Bill you won’t be able to sue.” Rep Massie warns🚨about a provision protecting foreign pesticide corporations from lawsuits by sick farmers —a bill rusty grills pushes in Tennessee🤔

What the fuck are we doing here

Internet options

On Saturday, April 18, the late Pierre Robert’s LPs and CDs went on sale at Vinyl Chickie, Lisa Schaffer’s Montgomery County shop that opened last spring. Schaffer was expecting a crowd — and music lovers showed up! 🔗 www.inquirer.com/entertainmen...

I've had my issues with some Lance Storm takes over the years. But holy shit, man... fair enough. I was not expecting to wake up to him popping off w/ the most correct male take on consent re: women that most wrestling fans will ever be privy to. 🤼‍♂️

When coaches talk about "rest defending," it means, what is your shape when you lose the ball? Or, how do the Union avoid its back four looking like this Jackson Pollock-ass nonsense?