Couldn't handle having kids for the ambient screaming alone

Ask your doctor if watching tiny dogs scamper along in the park is right for you

trying to explain to an alien that you can make a stinky face when music is bad but it’s also normal to do so when it’s good

In case you're wondering how quickly my performance deteriorates upon light observation, I just tried to quietly crack an egg and ended up with eggshell on my toe.

We need to go back to a time when truths were universally acknowledged.

My foster coordinator got confused and accidentally gave me a loaf of bread.

Lord Cankles of Dense Fluff went to his forever home today, and now the waiting begins anew.

My trail volunteer work party got cancelled because of uncertainty about working on forest service land during the government shutdown. Extremely functional country.

the duality of man

Well I was not expecting BILL NIGHY to be spitting facts today! observer.co.uk/culture/inte...

women will be like “date night with this handsome guy 💕” and it’s just ghost turnip

an extinction level event would fix me

Thinking about ruining my life (getting bangs again)

Girding my loins for the avalanche of donation requests once this blood center learns I'm AB+ (we've got exceptional platelets and plasma).

🎃

Never get into the crosshairs of a witty queer person, because I just learned Katharine Hepburn once said, "John Huston is as funny as a baby's open grave." I would perish on the spot. (h/t to the excellent You're Wrong About podcast)

Can't tell you how many of my visits are about providing a person reassurance: explaining a diagnosis, listening to their heart, telling them they'll be okay. I don't think Dr. Google minus accuracy is going to work smoothly, but it'll line some investor pockets for a minute for sure.

Survival against all odds: I ate eggs 1 day after watching the revolting egg scene in Tampopo.

I haven't listened yet, so please know I don't stand by anything I said.

Before Fleetwood Mac made history in 1977 with the release of their album Rumours, no band had ever had the idea to make every song on a record good

My friend's 3 year old was singing "What's Up" the other day, and I have no idea who taught her about 4 Non Blondes. Guess we're having another Perryssance.

Not one, but TWO different ladies join us this month to discuss Tsui Hark’s gonzo wire fu Green Snake; the good doctor @26hrcharleston.bsky.social and triple Leo ♌️ @alextthomas.bsky.social

I started this survey at 12:40. I finished it at 12:41. It's fast. Do the thing. 👇

That feeling when you suspect someone is dead but don't have any evidence yet

If you want to get some great reading in DRM free format and support World Central Kitchen, the inimitable @marthawells.com has a selection of books up on Humble Bundle. It’s a great way to get ebook editions of her excellent Murderbot series. #murderbot www.humblebundle.com/books/martha...

There's a little annex in hell for people who put their dog's poop in your freshly emptied garbage can on the curb. Especially when it's 100° out and the collector only comes every 2 weeks.

To the author who chose not to use quotation marks in this book: Have you considered that quotation marks are helpful?

Imagine taking the Substance so you can reapply for the same shitty job making exercise videos for a repugnant man.

Ask yourself: is there a glam version of this emotion?

Little did I know I had two chunkums in my near future.

As seen on Flanders Street in Portland

I would rather die than create an account to continue

One of the best parts of fostering animals is daydreaming about what your next one will look like.

Men have lost the art of being Gene Kelly.

Watching the pilot of Murder She Wrote with friends and one of them just said, "Jessica Fletcher is an honorary member of my dream blunt rotation"

I need an Oreo variety pack to meet the stuf demands of my various friends (from thin to mega).

"i asked grok" "i asked chatgpt" yeah well i asked carl sagan and he said the greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance but the illusion of knowledge 🧪

a good plan for dealing with hot weather is to stay cool. if you feel overheated, don’t. since the earth’s temperature rises every year, try lowering your own temperature every year. if sea levels are rising, try becoming more buoyant.

hyper-optimization of your home fitness equipment while a literally brainwormed Nurgle cultist destroys the most advanced medical research system in the world is something even Paul Verhoeven couldn't come up with

Actual tears.

Watched a classic tonight

I really wish y'all would get that Jigsaw-faced woman off my TL.

What is Zohran’s plan for the humidity

Mount Hood was wearing a jaunty lil beret yesterday.

Didn't Bynum also sign onto that letter praising ICE? Wtaf

to call this a crime against humanity is true but inadequate — it’s a crime against all creation

I feel so much impotent rage about what's going on in the world, and since I can't do much about it, I redirect my fury to the slow readers holding my library books hostage.

I should call her.

these are our brothers and we should be building a better world together