I told you they’d come after Veterans’ benefits. www.stripes.com/veterans/202...

The billionaire tech mogul's testimony was part of a landmark social media addiction trial in Los Angeles. The jury's verdict in the case could shape how some 1,600 other pending cases from families and school districts are resolved. n.pr/4qLOW99

This Beagle’s dramatic 'play dead' on command is the funniest thing I’ve seen today

POV you are about to lose at Guess Who

👇👇

i am trying not to joke about the Epstein stuff because it's so horrible but there's also this ridiculous element where it's like... discovering Dracula is real, he's taken over human society at the highest levels, he's involved in tons of evil and also he's a huge dipshit

fwiw these are unionized hotels and their local sent a formal request to employers not to accept ICE bookings or allow ICE to use their facilities www.facebook.com/share/p/1aV9...

SD cards are weird… You plug an old one in and are reminded of the time you sent your wife a picture of your flaccid wiener with the little jpg of the curly cartoon villain mustache superimposed I wish I were joking

HR: apparently you left a half smoked marijuana pipe in the bathroom? Me: well, to be fair I forgot all about it when I stopped in there to jack off HR: … Me: *standing up to leave* We good?

We watching Giants Raiders as a family?

This half of Steelers football is why DK Metcalf’s salary was never in jeopardy

Aaron said NOT TODAY

They say imitation crab is the sincerest form of crab

Wildflowers is such an amazing album It’s heartbreaking songs of love and loss and the ending of a 20+ year relationship, and not being sure how life will look going forward… Interwoven with tales of smashing mad ass in dive bars under an assumed name. God level shit

Feeling festive. Gonna crush up some candy canes and roll my cock in the pieces

Cashier: thank you Me: no, thank YOU unwitting accomplice Cashier: 😳

i think donald trump might be a pedophile

Star BYU Player Suspended After Testing Positive For Coffee https://theonion.com/star-byu-player-suspended-after-testing-positive-for-coffee/

State Department Designates WNBA As Terrorist Organization https://theonion.com/state-department-designates-wnba-as-terrorist-organization/

They're never going to release them. At some point, the Supreme Court will step in and say they don't have to.

Sen. Ron Wyden on the Trump DOJ not producing all of the Epstein files, as required by law: "Anything short of a full release today is a violation of the law and a continuation of this administration’s coverup on behalf of a bunch of pedophiles and sex traffickers."

Community Does Jack Shit To Make Christmas Better For Town’s Second-Poorest Family https://theonion.com/community-does-jack-shit-to-make-christmas-better-for-towns-second-poorest-family/

There's a series of things (like the ballroom, Gulf of America) that we're going to have to *undo* the moment this guy is out of office. And yet I can already hear future Democrat presidents saying "I'm focused on the people's work, not the knucklehead stuff" and just leave this man's shit up.

"I said I wanted fifty 6-year olds, not six 50-year olds. Send them back!" - Donald Trump

I’m not a human… I’m three recurring bits in a trenchcoat

Rifling my urethra for greater distance and accuracy

The U.S. is giving dying mall vibes. I can't explain it, but you know I'm right.

getting some memes printed out on glossy paper at the cvs. owning physical media is so important

lo-fi torgo theme to chill/study to

MFs that have no stomach for keeping the joke alive be like

BREAKING on MS NOW: Jack Smith, in his opening statement to House Judiciary, says: "Our investigation developed proof beyond a reasonable doubt that President Trump engaged in a criminal scheme to overturn the results of the 2020 presidential election and to prevent the lawful transfer of power."

I drive around with a 5 foot board in my front seat so the people at the McDonald’s drive-through think I got shit going on

Dis… 🎶TRACTION🎶

Maybe Susie Wiles just mistakenly assumed the Vanity Fair journalist was going to release all of these details in a book several years later, following the standard access journalism practices

I say it’s “festive” My family says the frozen puddle of puke out the back door is “a sign of your addiction and needs to be addressed” Scrooges

MFW when it costs me 60k a month to get erections

Cursed uniform thread lets do it i'll lead off with Bucs Julio Jones

no one mourns the wicked

The army grows stronger @scoobydouchebag.bsky.social @kingjosiah54.bsky.social

I cut my frozen pizza 🍕 into 100 damned squares and am eating them one at a time, on a napkin Because store samples always tasted the best

We got Weird Al out here singing Killing In The Name, the time for moderation is over

I declare tomorrow (12/4) Luigi Mangione Day. Or The Adjustor Day. I'm not sure which it should be.

If you tell someone that you’re doing “normal human activities,” they usually don’t believe you

Study Finds Processed Meats Carcinogenic But They Were On Sale https://theonion.com/study-finds-processed-meats-carcinogenic-but-they-were-on-sale/

This story sums up Trump: No need for evidence. No need for laws or treaties. No need for discussions. If Trump decides (based upon whatever random information or maybe just heartburn) that someone is in the wrong, he believes he has the right to kill them. The US is now a rogue nation.

Abolitionist John Brown was executed by the state of Virginia on December 2, 1859.

NEW: For years, NYC Starbucks workers have claimed that the company has arbitrarily cut their hours, denying them stable schedules. In a historic settlement announced today, Starbucks has to pay out $35 million to 15,000 workers. This is the power of labor laws.

How the Grinch Acquired Christmas By Leveraging Prospective Revenue