TSA new girl: What’s THAT? TSA grizzled vet: That’s frisbees on top of records Fucking Madison man

My “I No Longer Love Hitler” tattoo is raising a lot of questions already answered by my tattoo

when you hit the wrong button

Bored National Guard Goes Door To Door Asking If Chicagoans Have Any Order They Need Restored https://theonion.com/bored-national-guard-goes-door-to-door-asking-if-chicagoans-have-any-order-they-need-restored/

I told my wife that I need Viagra, and that she has to give me an hours notice to take it… I don’t… but now I know if sex was actually on the agenda or not

This is why I think the next Democratic president needs to use the EXACT tools that SCOTUS has handed Trump. Don't leave room for any distinctions. Impound funds for deportation. Give ICE the USAID treatment. Refuse to collect government-backed debt. Purge MAGA loyalists from the executive branch.

Whether it’s Joe Biden attending weekly mass or Donald Trump’s ICE agents shooting a priest in the face with a pepper ball, presidents of both sides have directly engaged with the Catholic faith.

Yeah I'm bisexual I wanna fuck Bigfoots and draculas

You can just give people nicknames it isn't illegal. Got a buddy named Taylor? Not any more that's T Rex. Know a Leah? Hey L Train I hope you have a good day

Coffee has gotten so damn expensive I can’t waste any If I spill any grounds on the counter in the morning, I fucking rail them up like a line of blow

Well… it may be time to bring something from the private chat onto the blue sky. I present to you, my various levels of highness:

Trump’s inability to pronounce “acetaminophen” raises new questions about Joe Biden’s mental state.

Trump trying to send a DM to Pam Bondi but actually posting it on TruthSocial instead raises new questions about Joe Biden's mental acuity.

So, the only proper way to watch Andor's anti-fascist messaging is by pirating it, yes?

•ABC: fires Kimmel for mocking Trump •CBS: fires Colbert for mocking Trump •ABC: fires Moran for slamming Stephen Miller •MSNBC: fires Matt Dowd for saying “hateful thoughts lead to hateful actions” •FOX: Champions Brian Kilmeade as he calls for Nazi state murder of America’s 600K homeless people

Brian Kilmeade said we should murder homeless people like three days ago and didn’t skip a beat

Man, the timing of this episode release… #outsiderssocialclub #toosoon #fuckthat

Methinks it’s time to go radio silent on ol’ neckhole McGee… They want this to be a galvanizing moment, and they’re trying to make political hay out of it (despite saying for decades we shouldn’t “politicize” shootings by passing legislation)

#gameday #steelers #stillers

Both of the co-founders of Turning Point USA died from things that were preventable, but which they mocked and urged this nation to ignore. Bill Montgomery was killed in 2020 by COVID and Charlie Kirk was killed in 2025 by gun violence.

Charlie Kirk spent his life‘s work and all of his energy and time targeting out-groups while arguing for a world in which gun massacres would be easy to enact, plentiful, and inevitable, and he became famous and wealthy doing it, and we’re now not supposed to mention that because it’s not polite.

“Thoughts and prayers” I yell before taking a vigorous pull of bourbon 🥃 “Did I do it right?” I wonder

Charlie Kirk was answering questions about mass shootings at the precise moment he was shot. The irony never ends with this guy.

Bro brought a neck to a gun fight

“So much for the tolerant left” I whisper into my bong with a big grin on my face

I never thought the leopard would eat MY face -that one asshole probably

Justin Fields was *excellent* this weekend. 🎧: apple.co/4maWArs 📺: youtu.be/m5vFB9OJy_o?...

One of my work clocks got slow so I replaced the battery… Then the OTHER clock started going faster 5 mins, then 11, then 21 Today ghost clock is 33 mins fast

#Tubi is the king! You can support Tubi by listening to #TubiDetermined where you get your pods

I'm worried about Chicago. I just think that it's almost inevitable that our Kent State moment is coming. And it will ALL be because of this insecure, authoritarian shit stain we currently have occupying OUR Whitehouse.

Me at 7am: I don’t need to bring weed… I’ll be busy all day Me at 10:05: well fuck

There’s gonna be so much porking at the @mrdavehill.bsky.social show tonight… And not just because your mom will be there Did I do it right?

people keep asking me how I lost so much weight in the last three years, I tell them: -the first 40 pounds were frisbee golf -the next 15 were cocaine -the last 10 was getting correctly diagnosed & having my meds changed The last one is the most necessary, but the first two were the most fun

“Let’s get over to the Dogfishead tent before the hipsters drink it all” -me at a beer fest apparently

"We're all throwing dildos at women athletes to promote our memecoin" really puts a fine point on not just how sexist, mean and stupid so much of right now is, but also the grim degree to which we're just inundated with Stuff a 15-Year-Old Dipshit Would Think is Cool. A confederacy of Beavises.

“That’s a great point, but honestly can you just get me a glass of water?” -Rich

Oh man I love this pod #OutsidersSocialClub open.spotify.com/episode/4OXQ...

Fired up Cypress Hill’s debut album DJ Muggs is so goddamn good

My very apolitical friend just said to me ‘No one f*cks with North Korea. Why do you think that is?’ Yep. There’s a clear message for a lot of Global South and Middle Eastern countries tonight. Sadly. And it isn’t a nonproliferation message.

The Ayatollah’s biggest mistake? Not going on Joe Rogan.

Who did this? 🤣

Analysis | If Iran responds to the bombing by staging a terrorist attack on an American city, the Democratic mayor of that city will have blood on their hands.

A lot of young men voted Trump because 'kamala will girlboss us into stupid wars'

Now that Trump has ordered an air strike on Iran, never forget how utterly the New York Times and people like Maureen Dowd failed us from the beginning.

We watched a dog for 10 days. His name is Boots. I’ve been calling him Mike for a week and a half. He now answers to it… His owner is named Mike. I find this to be the funniest thing anyone has ever done ever

Is Cocaine Having a Moment? With high-profile contemporary users like Elon Musk and Donald Trump Jr. dominating the news, the infamous white powder has achieved a social resonance it hasn't seen since the days of Mork & Mindy, early Aerosmith, and Lawrence Taylor's 1985 season.

Another one @scoobydouchebag.bsky.social

My new goto when we have guests is: “Can I get you anything? A drink perhaps? I’d offer you cocaine, but I’m afraid we’re fresh out” If you wondered why my wife hates me