Best use of a saxophone Bowies Modern Love?

No need to say or do anything to upset me today, I had dairy last night so my guts are already a mess

I’m at my most offended when my cat cleans himself after I pet him

You must learn all the dance moves to Thriller if you wanna sleep in my bed. Costumes preferred but not required.

Kenneth come get your X-rays. You left them on my driveway

typical orange cat selfie

Him: what’s your dream car Me:

There is no regret in life more instantaneous than the gas station hot dog

(Feels a bit of hope) *slaps hand* NO!

5 year old: what color should I color the eyes on this dinosaur Me: green, like mine, because it’s rare 5yo: not as rare as a Spinosaurus Me: whatever, your picture is dumb

I’ve had sex dreams before but it’s usually about MaryAnn or even Mrs Howell, never a professor

Why is this beautiful woman trying to make my life amazing? The nerve

my alt is just me dressed in various muumuus and shower caps

idk, maybe the dinosaurs were playing marco polo when shit went down and now nessie over at the loch is still shouting marco into the void

hey boy are you a pilot because I wanna play with the throttle in your cockpit

*logs on to see what I’ve missed * … *logs off the curl up in the fetal position to rock back and forth*

When you start your vacation from work

Finally, it's wrong AS A MATTER OF ETIQUETTE. Entering a total stranger's discussion and leading with your private anxiety is as off-putting in social media replies as it would be in real life. If you wouldn't interrupt a stranger at a party to announce that America is doomed, don't do it here.

Happy new year!! I successfully stayed home we will see later whether this was a cry for help or me relaxing into myself (por que no los dos?)

Hot tip: It's important to put your resolutions in a measurable context (so you can tell when you're failing and quit before it becomes a relentless thought loop that chips away at your already faltering self esteem).

A better me in 2026, maybe. A worse me in 2026, likely

My New Year’s resolution is I’m not changing shit, time for other people to put some work in for once

I didn’t fall out of love with you, I’ve just been busy

Researchers discover rare breed of Canadian tuxedo cat #DumbWeek

Frankincense is the doctor, Myrrh is the stupid sound the monster makes, Kevin.

God bless you Derrick Henry

Face down ass up, but It's just me as the wheelbarrel in this field day race

You there, boy! What day is it… oh right no more Christmas jokes

omg girl you don’t need a nose job, you’re beautiful just the way you are *me, drunk talking to an opossum

I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening. I was mentally checked out counting down the minutes until dinner when I can reheat the leftover prime rib I smoked for Christmas, You were saying something about your family or politics or something… you know what would make you feel better

i enjoy things that aren’t this

Saw a quarterback on this bowl game make the check-down pass and it got me thinking what the check-down is for normal people in real-life and I think it is the handjob.

Me scrolling the feed not seeing enough cat pictures

Happy belated birthday jesus!

I thought Christmas would have more butts

So this is Christmas?

I don’t think I’ve procured strong enough drugs for a Christmas

Merry Christmas?

*loser bros* I whisper when I see other people skeeting on Christmas Eve

🎵 The party's on The spirit's up We're here tonight And that's enough Simply having a

Ho ho hold me bro

Fall in love with me you coward

“waymo” is short for “waymo trouble than it’s worth”

Ladies, ladies, there’s no need to fight, I can disappoint you all

If I was any good with people, do you think I would be here? Laugh out loud

Let’s just say, I’m the type of person years ago you might of met at a dive bar on Christmas night

I’ve had some whiskey so if I accidentally flirt with you, I apologize in advance

Make someone fall in love with you in three words or less: Looks after myself

Mr. Beast, all my friends and I were saying how good at boxing you’d be

Jesus Christ on toast people need to calm down over a joke involving movie/book. Even got me blocked 😂😂 eat shit