I’d put my Christmas tree up before thanksgiving for you

I have the same view of math as I do with Italian operas. It’s beautiful, but I don’t know what the fuck you’re saying

sometimes i get all sentimental about the human race but then i talk to some of them and it’s like oh yeah right

It’s a good thing no one is around tonight to learn about my collection of teeth

I’d like to flirt with you but I’m already in my jammies

Me flirting

My face when you don’t like my skeets

Go fuck myself? Like every year when I’ve once again not taken steps to make cleaning up leaves easier.

I love cleaning the house because I put music on and have turned it into some kind of add/ocd/disassociation sandbox for my brain. See you when I finish world!

I used to have atrocious judgement when it came to men. For example, I used to think Jake Tapper was a credible journalist

adorable?

God knew I’d be too powerful if I knew how to change the clock in my car

*shaking fists at sky* BARRYYYY!

You know that hour we lost, I was going to use that one to get my life together

If you consider spending an evening watching someone refurbish a 17th century table “exciting” then yes I am exciting

Thing about me is, I’m going to slap your ass regularly

I haven’t felt this alive since toyotathon

If my brain had subtitles, it would be the words: dogs barking in the distance.

An unexpected treat in the streets

Do birds get cold?

Wow. Some of you really like base ball. You should sit quietly with that

Abraham was born in 1809 in Kentucky, grew up to be a lawyer, senator, and then president during the civil war and until his assassination. Someone told my my account should have a Lincoln bio. I hope I did it right

I’ve realized that I’m only capable of being five things to women -Like a brother -second ex-husband -spellcheck -source of knowledge about the short history of the baconator -guy who’s got their nose.

The horrors persist, but at least we got classic fall/Halloween weather

"what are you going to be for Halloween?" mmm idk probably a self-respecting adult

i exist in the paradox realm of both being celibate for way too long AND not knowing a thing about LOTR or D&D

I let you hear the voices I speak to my dog in. Please respond

I usually go with my gut feeling first so I can throw it up before it gets to my heart.

“…and then he opened up the part of the garage that had not seen light in years and he showed you his failed attempts at improvement. And she knew, this felt like trust”

i bet for the pancake the melting butter and warm syrup gently sliding all over it feels really good in the moment

We could be hanging out getting high watching arrested development and doing weird shit together but NOOOooOO

My grandma says I’m a catch. She’s been dead for years and hasn’t seen what my life has become but I feel like I can still use this as a reference

Me, after skeeting something people liked

What is it about emotional unavailability that makes a guy wanna pick up an instrument

ICE: It’s got nothing to do with piss

i don’t want to start any trouble but pls only post things i like

Purposely not taking my fiber so you don’t get the wrong idea that I’m trying to get you in bed

When you said “rearrange my guts” I guess I misunderstood

I’d listen to you so good

I don’t want to hear about your divorce, I want to know if you have a secret maple syrup connect

Seeing somebody reskeet me a bunch: Awww, he's a good kid.

Just think, if you had reached out to me you would be getting home soon to find I cleaned the house and got you some ice cream as a special treat. Ok I’ll get out now, you really should hide your spare key better

meals on wheels?! i prefer mine on a plate, thanks!

Are we going to dress up on Halloween? I don’t want to be the only one

Im sorry I didn’t know you were already seeing someone. But can he do this* *wear swim trunks as pajamas

We should go for baseball helmet sundaes

I don’t take it personal when people don’t like my stuff because I assume you never saw it because I only work weekends

The edible stoles all my energies