more like crapture amirite

cute date idea: while building a small shelter in the smoldering rubble of earth’s final days, you pause to trace your finger across my lips

I’m pretty hopeful for the rapture but I’d settle for a candle that smells like puppys

Everybody settle down, nothing is going to happen tomorrow because nothing good ever happens anymore

You’re with a man who needs a slice of American cheese on his fish to eat it and you’re wondering things like “why won’t he try spicy foods with me” or “how come he has no interest in seeing Europe”

See what you’d be missing if you got raptured?

What’s my first memory of being terrified? Probably this one

Me every time I don’t have to cancel a subscription or stop shopping somewhere because I did it when they first started being assholes years ago

I was definitely on the toilet when I liked your skeet

Sorry I didn’t stay over but my fiber supplements are at home

the most rewarding part of free speech is when I don’t get to practice it like the hateful pricks get to, but maybe in another lifetime

the one trick mods don’t want you to know

Muted that hateful guys name and it felt like I went from standing in the middle of a busy NYC intersection to standing on a beach of a deserted island.

I wouldn’t tell anyone I’d won $2.50 on the Powerball, but there would be signs—

My mom started hanging old CDs in the garden so that if a bird comes over to peck at a tomato it will quickly become distracted by its desire to learn QuickBooks

*holding hand out for new baby to smell*

Instead of therapy??

Saw this in a parking lot and thought “what did you do for that”

I appreciate seeing stories about bezos because it reminds me “how can I give less of my money to this awful-piece-of-shit-real-life-lex-luther-motherfucker” which has been great for my budget.

Whoever told you that your mustache looks good was joking. I’m sorry I had to be the one to break it to you, but people are asking if you have to register with the sheriff department and I don’t want you to get a reputation

Them: show us a picture when you were 21 Me: what like, go look through the boxes of pictures to find one? Why are you giving me work to do??

I mean yeah, you gotta lock that down

I was at the grocery store earlier and didn’t get any tiramisu because I guess I hate myself

Have we considered using the Walmart shrimp to supplement renewable energy?

My dream ride? Yeah, I’m in the back

Oh you don’t hate? no worries I got both of us

Literally anyone running for mid-terms

Someone explain the Cracker Barrel thing to me like I’m not idiot. Never mind, I don’t give a shit

the reason I use backpacks is because I also only have the demo version of Using Hands and — unless it has my complete focus — will unceremoniously drop what I’m holding and not even notice unless I end up kicking/stepping on it 🙃

WHITE HOUSE SPOKESPERSON: I mean, should we even bother remembering history that wasn't awesome and fun? It's best to forget the ickier things and move on. No one wants to be bummed out. The sole exception being the crucifixion of course, which should be mandatory teaching in public schools.

Got a certificate of appreciation for filling out a survey about trees and thought “would it kill some of the people on this site to appreciate me?”

All I know is if I showed up to work in a blue and white checkered Bluey pajama top and tropical print shorts I would not be well received. (eyes baby)

So, in a close game you’ll pinch hit one of your best infielders and “only guy hitting for the last month”in Shaw, but not Swanson who’s been hitting fuck all since May, do I have that right Craig?

Them: What’s that smell? Me: I’m dead inside

A bathroom selfie for the 12 people here this weekend as a little treat

Being alive is "great" and all, but every day?

Standing next to my smoker while I cook meat just in case I want to go to the bar later so I have some pheromones

Me: want to fall in love? You: no Me: cool

Sorry I muttered “yeah that’s going to work out” as I went around you and your boyfriend arguing passive aggressively in the grocery store

told my neighbor to calm their tits and now apparently i’m “at it again” on nextdoor

I usually don’t judge people by their appearance because they generally can’t wait to show me that they are an idiot

“I’m a mess, you’re a mess” -me flirting

What the matter, can’t take a sandwich?

Saw the first house already decorated for Halloween and I thought “fuck yeah” Look what you people have done to me

I have sneaking suspicion that dogs and cats think we are licking them when we pet them and I’m not sure how I feel about it

no one: my son staring at me from the crib at 3am:

Watching videos with titles like “The volcano that wiped out 95% of life on earth” just to feel hope

Like a honey badger, I too am named something far cuter than my temper should allow

do you think people used to look at portraits painted of themselves wearing powdered wigs and thought “i can’t believe i ever wore my hair like that”

Hey baby, ever been with a man full of macro plastics? (I eat plastic)