God bless you Derrick Henry

Face down ass up, but It's just me as the wheelbarrel in this field day race

You there, boy! What day is it… oh right no more Christmas jokes

omg girl you don’t need a nose job, you’re beautiful just the way you are *me, drunk talking to an opossum

I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening. I was mentally checked out counting down the minutes until dinner when I can reheat the leftover prime rib I smoked for Christmas, You were saying something about your family or politics or something… you know what would make you feel better

i enjoy things that aren’t this

Saw a quarterback on this bowl game make the check-down pass and it got me thinking what the check-down is for normal people in real-life and I think it is the handjob.

Me scrolling the feed not seeing enough cat pictures

Happy belated birthday jesus!

I thought Christmas would have more butts

So this is Christmas?

I don’t think I’ve procured strong enough drugs for a Christmas

Merry Christmas?

*loser bros* I whisper when I see other people skeeting on Christmas Eve

🎵 The party's on The spirit's up We're here tonight And that's enough Simply having a

Ho ho hold me bro

Fall in love with me you coward

“waymo” is short for “waymo trouble than it’s worth”

Ladies, ladies, there’s no need to fight, I can disappoint you all

If I was any good with people, do you think I would be here? Laugh out loud

Let’s just say, I’m the type of person years ago you might of met at a dive bar on Christmas night

I’ve had some whiskey so if I accidentally flirt with you, I apologize in advance

Make someone fall in love with you in three words or less: Looks after myself

Mr. Beast, all my friends and I were saying how good at boxing you’d be

Jesus Christ on toast people need to calm down over a joke involving movie/book. Even got me blocked 😂😂 eat shit

Whenever anyone talks about lord of the rings

I was going to sleep all day but now I have to watch Paul getting punched

If you think I won't double-down after making terrible decisions, let me introduce you to my second child

Real subtle, Santa. My family's here, can it wait?

*me getting murdered* Wait, let me bring up my getting murdered playlist... ok, go

Maybe I like cheese so much because I hope there’s a little pill hidden in it

I heard we’re doing box cats

Do you guys think Santa has a piss bottle for his long voyage

I’m sorry but these are my evening sweatpants so I shan’t be leaving the house

I guess I never paid close attention, the song Solsbury Hill is about a guy listening to a talking eagle?!?

Shhhhh, you’re already beautiful

Could a person with depression do this?! (grimly goes about activities of daily living)

He’s a 10, but the only things he buys you must be HSA-approved.

Care to run away with me to a small town, cottage in the woods, and our breakfast restaurant in town called “Eggactly” ?

Ever seen a Tog?

I don’t need an industrial potato peeler, but I want one

Finally going to put on pants and “do things” This is awful

The real shame of being single is no one to hear my witty comments to the tv

YOU, OVER THERE HOLDING THE RACOON! ARE YOU SINGLE?

wish I had seen this before I finished all my Christmas shopping

I was going to skeet out something like “the 7 of us here on Saturday should have our own little party” but don’t worry, I hated the idea before I even typed it out so, false alarm

It’s punch in the face cold out tonight