Jane Kaczmarek the woman you are

I'm excited to announce that today we have filed to take Magic Beans, Inc. public. This is an important milestone for our team, our investors, and our customers. We expect to list in the coming weeks, hopefully before the general public discovers the Terrible True Cost of our beans.

Why do we batman So we can begin batman forever 2

Hey, remember when we were saying lobsters were immortal did we ever figure out what was happening there

Borg Porn

A handsome father has to choose which child to save and as he weeps he looks to me and I’m like “man this is a real DILF pickle” and I think how he responded says more about him than me ultimately

i’m just so grateful to even be alive idk

In a container store, weeping for the better life I can’t make

Grogu is being sex trafficked

Grogu’s family has announced he has passed away. “He was probably like 56 years old, which is like a baby age for little freaks like him,” his mother told the Times. He will be flushed down a special toilet with an extra wide pipe designed for Yoda disposal. “Like a big green turd,” she added

Searching for your next favorite party? 👀 Look no further! Rae has put together a list of her favorite late-night events in Los Angeles and there’s some great ones coming up. Rae is a candidate who understands the importance of Los Angeles’ nightlife, both for our culture and our economy.

There is NOTHING more important to me than brands. I don’t “drink bleach”, I *eat* Tide Pods

Gender is a total social construct and sex is bimodal NOT binary. If you are an asshole enough to say sex equals gender, you’re still wrong. Science proves trans people exist, intersex people exist, other chromosomal & hormonal differences exist.

there are more people who love you and even more who don't really care and just want everybody to do whatever they want to do then there are of them. by far. they may be powerful (right now) but they are also so fucking small and they are grasping at strings

Aliens are real, pedophiles run the world, and Louisiana is going away. There has never been a better time for audiences to connect authentically with the brands they love.

a huge problem with AI is that using it makes you look stupid

The definitive millennial song is clearly legend_of_zelda_System_of_a_down(1).mp3

you know what the real data center is. the human mind. thank you,

Does anyone need a weird looking girlfriend with ambiguous genitals & bipolar disorder

Until I quit drinking I couldn’t tell the difference between what felt good and what was true and now it’s a bummer to not chase indulgences because it feels like I’m killing a part of myself that I’ve carried forever and god I ache but I guess that’s growing up for you honk if you agree

I cannot stress you enough how much the country is being run exactly like a big tech company I guarantee they’re gonna start saying that there is “swirl” in Iran right now

It is with heavy jeans I tell you that I went into the lake with my jeans on

Boy they really are trying to ratfuck Rae Huang, how the fuck is spencer pratt debating and not the literal only progressive candidate

Capitalism is bad because it hypnotizes people into framing the world through the lens of "if I pay you, then you have to do what I want"

INT. JIGSAW TRAP ROOM - NIGHT A MAN (30's, hot) wakes up next to THE ASS-REMOVAL MACHINE. A tape starts playing. JIGSAW (v.o.): Hey idiot

One of the biggest things in the world is an elephant. But even at that size, those guys manage to keep cranking out more elephants. That’s love

It is so important to know why stuff happens

We need more courage from our leaders. If it’s not going to come from the Mayor and her budget proposal, then it’ll come from me. LAPD is once again getting a huge budget increase while important programs for our youth, seniors and small businesses are being defunded.

The real tragedy is that we didn’t get to see what Oz the Mentalist was gonna do

Thanks to AI, I’m able to jack off… at scale

Los Angeles is a safe haven for our trans and immigrant communities and we must prioritize that it stays that way. Meeting with President Trump or other political interests should not take precedent over the welfare of our Angelenos, ever.

This cop running for governor is so mad he can’t shoot everybody in there right now

Who let this fucking game of thrones day player into the ca governor debate

You are being lied to. And there's only one man who knows the truth. Jim Haggerty returns, only on InfoWars.

Orthodontic headpiece for the eyes (to watch porn)

to defeat math you need to think like a number

Yeah I’m not buying a pair of jerk off binoculars vr is not happening

unc is not a term of disparagement, it's a cheeky but respectful way to refer to an elder

@raeforla.com needs to be elected because day one she would cancel the ICE contract LAPD has that Hydee Feldstein Soto told them to honor

honestly i am constantly thinking things like "where are the fathers" these days

It’s not Clavicular’s fault, he is life trapped in facetiously perfect form machined together from a unique striate of WASP eugenics and late stage capitalism

Michelle Pfeiffer best to ever do it

It's also not white folks' place to disagree with Black people. You don't have moral authority over Black people. Go work on yourself and your racist peers. Trust that intra-community activism is happening all the time and doesn't require your input.

Well at least we’re only playing for some of my marbles. What’s that? You’re kidding

starting to believe a big part of our problem is how many people need to believe everything is a conspiracy planned by evil geniuses that only they can see through, instead of anything being just what it is on its face

Is it too late to run for governor

A little on the nose for The Pitt to have a subplot about the out-of-work puppets from defunded PBS getting treated for "frown-itis" but hearing "Elmo is worried Dr. Robby is going to kill himself" made me tear up ngl

WE NEED BAD IRRELEVANT TAKES IMMEDIATELY FLOOD THE TIMELINE