Fucking POTS. I used to be a perfectly dry human like the rest of you.

Every NDA sex workers signed about Lindsay Graham was always null & void but I’m enjoying the people choosing to pop up now because he can’t retaliate.

Pyrite & amethyst? What do you think? The purple is very light, but it looks like amethyst to me. Could be smoky quartz. I’m not a geologist I’m just a childless Dad

It’s ok Mitch McConnell lovers! @moviehooligan.bsky.social’s dad is burning & contorting a mannequin as we speak and the results are white & droopy just how you like it!!

I caught Roo in this pose. Please tell him modeling for impressionist painters is not a good career path.

I've seen ads where people are just willing to give away their horses, not as a bribe or anything, just free horses for nothing and I think that's extremely telling.

Every now and then I remember that Elon Musk has never actually been to space. If anyone could, it's him. But he has no personal interest in seeing the earth from orbit. I think that's extremely telling.

I can’t perform in certain clubs because I simply spread information pertaining to sexual assault for the safety of others.

"executives with no understanding of the industry" seems to be an endemic problem across industries: higher education, medicine, you name it, a bunch of suits with MBAs and unearned arrogance are destroying everything around us, and for some reason, we're supposed to accept that they know best

Morning Kittens (Cats pretending it wasn’t them)

at the Dyson service center and this dog just realized it's in Dog Hell

Here meet Ken. Ken Allen was born in captivity at the San Diego Zoo in 1971. In 1985, he gained worldwide attention for a series of escapes from his enclosure, which had been thought to be escape-proof. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ken_Allen orangutans are v smart, know how to play us.

me_irl

Weird, aggressive love.

Hanging out with my nieces today and wanted to impress them so I’m wearing my Colm Meaney shirt

I spoke to Mitch McConnell today. He’s doing great in the hospital. Lots of bleeps and bloops concerning Iran and Ukraine. The unbreaking howl as he was pulled into the flaming maw of the abyss tells me he’s eager to get back to work.

I’m not gonna say the early Internet was good, but what I will say is every time we try to “protect” kids from society we are usually using them as a foil for something else. And when we DO “protect” kids from society we leave them less safe because we neglect to realize they already live in it!

is writing a calling or a curse?

Or rather, it's poisonous. Which still matters because we WILL eat it out of curiosity.

Do you ever add to the discourse and then think “WHY??”

A 25-year-old IV nurse thought I was the same age as her I was so flattered till I realized she knew she was looking at a severely dehydrated person.

I have not been able to properly express my fears of CA north of Sacramento but I keep trying. Basically instead of asking "Do you believe in aliens?" You have to filter ppl by "Are the aliens you believe in racist?"

Just saw my young cousin do stand up for the first or second time. HE HAS A VOICE ALREADY. HES FUCKING WITH OLD TROPES IN NEW WAYS ALREADY. I’m so proud.

Has anyone showed Weird Al the Dan Flashes sketch yet?

I tried to use language my dad would understand so I said “ AI chat bots are like if the Borg were still plugged into the collective and still had a queen to dictate everything.” He still thinks Claude has a soul, but I tried.

Is this why we have a bottle of Luminol?

Hi. Tonight at 6 pm PDT WE'RE CELEBRATING AMERICA'S BIRTHDAY! Katy, Cody, and Jonathan are breaking down the Supreme Court rulings on birthright citizenship and trans athlete bans, the Freedom 250 event and how Donald Trump bungled this easy layup, and much more! www.youtube.com/live/Z1bMBg7...

Trans rights are human rights always and forever.

The cover is live for my & Carlos Greaves' new book!!! Complete with a very kind endorsement from Nikki Glaser. Preorder now: store.mcsweeneys.net/products/obe...

The court rules 6-3 that a bully can't pants you and dunk your head in the toilet during your Algebra final. But it was only 5-4 that the school charter actually says that you can't be dunked and voted purely on a toilet maintenance technicality. One vote away from being a pro-dunk institution.

Should I tell Dave's dad where you can buy bulk human teeth online or spare the rest of his family?

The art and the artist

I had to coordinate care with 3 doctors today and fill 13 vials of blood. My record is 4 doctors and somewhere around 18 vials not counting the times they break it up into 2 visits because it's "too much blood for one sitting" never once have they given it back when they're done btw

The more I get used to cats and grow to understand mine the more I know in my heart sometimes they're barfing for fun

I’ve lived in the LA area most of my life. Do not call the city for minor inconveniences like a noise complaint or fireworks. The dispatchers always send LAPD even if it’s a problem better handled by other departments. The best thing to do is talk to your neighbors be chill & assume good intentions

I'm so tired, y'all

"I thought she had the self-awareness–" Stop right there.

We can’t have another of our comedy idols die a day or two short of 100 (if anyone forgot Betty White’s chops just watch one of those clips of the Golden girls where she improvises, it’s usually the Saint Olaf stories.)

So innocent (looking)!! (Someone keeps barfing in the hallway right where the floor slopes down so it has maximum spread and smacking her brother so hard his head thunks like a coconut because she knows if either of them uses claws we break it up)

So filtering out extraneous information from conversations and other quick exchanges used to be automatic. It is now a conscious effort I often forget to make. This is one of the weirdest symptoms of MECFS. Not everyone has it but I feel like almost everyone who had ADHD before contracting it does?

“Why is the US so obsessed with race?” Said the European whom despite being our age does not understand the “WE LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU” reference

Once we figure out your values, we can figure out which thoughts don’t fit those values and I can call you out every time you wield them against yourself or others while at the same time understanding that many of the prejudices & presumptions you want to eliminate may also be your live experience.

I used to say my mom is the most abliest person on the planet despite being disabled. Nope, at least second (also RFK Junior exists.) I. I am the most ableist person on the planet. I just thought directing it inward was OK until I realized what was happening & put it all on her.

Also, when you look at their ages, some villains are more understandable (and some make more sense as villains) like yeah prince eric isn’t going to want to hear a 16-year-old rambling about her forks and her dad isn’t a villain at all, just being a normal parent.

What’s more disturbing than Disney princesses being mostly teenagers & not looking like them is that if you google the princes’ ages they clearly thought about Romeo and Juliet laws to the point where they are just old enough. Like just as old as they can legally be.

any cake can be a crab cake if you're a huge bitch while eating it

I don’t know why this expression on Michael Dorn’s face but he only made it on the show when Alexander was around

Really didn't think I'd have to buy human wipes let alone sponge bath supplies under 40 fuck what we let happen from Covid

Andy Dick is the closest thing LA has to Bigfoot. He does not discriminate and he can happen to any unsuspecting person anytime. I once saw him jump out of the shadows and snatch a necklace off someone cycling on sunset. You could be minding your own business and then BAM! Andy Dick!

Are Zionists new here? Questioning everything is EXACTLY how we honor our Jewish ancestors. So is social activism.