You cannot be the richest man in the world and NOT be evil. You can't get there without being just the most awful piece of shit.

I haven’t lost my faith in humanity, I never had any to begin with.

For every carefree, "Don't stress, things always work themselves out!" person there is at least one extremely anxious, detail-oriented, forward-thinking loved one or coworker who has spent years behind the scenes making sure things work out

"The good ol' hockey game: it's one of the best games—if not THE best game—you can name." – Stompin' Tom Connors

NEW STORY ALERT! 🚨 www.jacobobrien.ca/post/pickled...

Ok, so this is gonna be the most fucked-up shit you've ever heard in your life, but... some songs actually sound better on those shitty ancient corded iPod headphones.

Anyone who says nobody's perfect clearly hasn't meet me.

Quincy thinks he's on easy street with the ladies when he takes his kingdom's throne, but is he willing to sacrifice his authenticity to find a queen? #writing #writingcommunity www.jacobobrien.ca/post/checkmate

"Fail to understand others, and you'll forever stand under them." I don't know what that means, but it sounds like something someone should have said by now, so I went ahead and said it.

color wheel thingy

It's weird how making one little mistake like forgetting to put pants on can throw your whole day off.

Yeah, a perfect last-minute gift for someone you don't want in your life anymore...

I envy people who are so stupid that they don't even know enough to worry about looking stupid.

Currently evaluating my life and can't decide if it's more like the episode of The Simpsons where Sideshow Bob steps on the rakes, or the one where he falls from the dam and crotches himself on the pipe.

I have seen the devil with my own eyes, and he is far more terrifying than we could have ever imagined...

I'm not concerned that AI will eventually sound so "human" that it will replace human writers. I'm much more worried about human writers sounding like machines because they write about what's trending instead of what's in their souls.

reading a book about how to be an effective father and literally nowhere in this book does it describe how to walk behind a sofa as if you are going down a flight of stairs

If your girlfriend says her favourite food is hot chocolate, do not tell her that hot chocolate is actually a beverage. Doing so will ruin your whole day.

Just finished reading @richycraven.bsky.social's "Spirit Level." Perfect balance between light humor and some deep/emotional parts. The scene where Danny visits Ian had me laughing and, well, not crying exactly, but it had me thinking, "Ah, fuck, this is sad." Grab a copy: tinyurl.com/2pdhkwnv

you know when youre really hungry but nothing sounds like it'd taste good? that's what being on a dating app is like

I like it when people are nice.

For someone who can't do anything right, I sure criticize other people an awful lot.

People who say "don't drink the Kool-Aid" have obviously never tasted Kool-Aid, shit is delicious.

Beating someone to death with an olive branch as a bit

We go together like chocolate and peanut butter. By which I mean our relationship is unhealthy.

I will always remember a sex scene I once read where the characters took their clothes off twice.

Why do people say “first and foremost”? It’s already the thing you’re saying first, it’s clearly gonna be the most fore.

An episode of Mythbusters where the myth is "a watched pot never boils."

Note to self: Nobody knows anything. Don't listen to anyone.

The problem with people is they are people. I will take no questions on this.

bold of you to assume i will "learn" just because i have chosen "the hard way"

Mark my words and bookmark this post: Something is going to happen, and people are not going to like it.

Someone cloned me without my consent and I have no idea what to do. I'm beside myself

the fucking gall of Alvin to name his band ‘Alvin and the chipmunks’. As if he’s not a fucking chipmunk too

I just got an ad where if I buy two weed-whackers, I get the third one free. It's a good deal, but, like, why would I need three weed-whackers?

People say, "You can run, but you can't hide" like it's some big threat. But, honestly, I'd prefer that to someone saying, "You can hide, but you can't run." And then I look down and they've sawed my legs off.

#5amwritersclub – August 3 Wrote a few thousand words yesterday, and finished my first draft today. 🙂 I will give myself five seconds to enjoy this feeling of accomplishment before I remember I still need to address 268 notes I left myself to add foreshadowing and stuff. #writinglife #amwriting

getting my just desserts sounds delicious

Just wanted to come on here and say I am an embarrassment to the human race.

What I lack in an extensive vocabulary, I make up for in things.

Today's young people have no idea how to react when I suddenly start running at them

No, Lenny Kravitz, for the last time, I am not gonna go your way. Stop asking.