Thinking back, Little Red Riding Hood saw a wolf in a nightgown and still said, “Grandma?”

I’ll never enjoy the holidays as much as Mariah Carey does, and I’m okay with that.

My mother waited, her mother waited, her mother’s mother waited until after Thanksgiving to decorate. I broke tradition with a strand of Christmas lights.

November’s only been here five minutes and it’s already too November.

Every day I wake up and choose to make things harder than they need to be.

90s kids didn’t go to therapy. We just yelled “INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE” and kept it moving.

Maybe I am the plot twist?

I’ve been called charming, dangerous, and occasionally right. Two outta three ain’t bad.

My last two brain cells just filed for divorce.

Some call it middle age. I call it the intermission before Act II gets even weirder.

Shhhh..quiet. I'm giving someone the silent treatment.

whistlin dicks, see

You ever read a headline "local man facing charges after being caught w/gun at airport" and your FIRST thought is "well I know who they voted for"

You’re either a breakfast person or not. There’s no in between.

Establish dominance by handing out candy canes to trick or treaters on Halloween.

Blame it on Rico… Suave. (Betcha that song is stuck in your head now, no?)

I play mostly with words.

The valentine stuff is out at the store. You know so you can invite Cupid to Thanksgiving.

Freak the neighbors out, get a giant Christmas stocking for your trick-or-treat candy.

Me, getting kidnapped: I could eat.

Grew up in such a tiny town that the phone book only had one page.

The biggest problem we have as a society is that “colonel” is spelled like that and no one’s doing a damn thing about it.

So this is my issue with the printer at work, damn that’s harsh

Coworker: Any plans for tonight? Me: Gonna hang out with my black cats, do some witchcraft, curse my enemies, frighten children… Coworker: Haha you must really love Halloween. Me: What the fuck is Halloween?

Maybe if we start calling our body parts gun-sounding names like “revulva” or “shooterus” the GOP will stop trying to regulate them.

If you ever come upon an ancient tome and the only words on the cover you can decipher are variations of "evil" and "beware," open that bad boy up to any page and start reading whatever text you find aloud. What's the worst that can happen?

"So, why do they call you Edward Scissorhands?"

To the beloved Witches of Bluesky, tonight is your night. Happy conjuring to you and your coven

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking please explain.

…and for my next trick, I will disappear mid-conversation.

In a love triangle between dehydration and clenching my jaw.

Not all who wander into the woods to scream are lost.

I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I am the stabbiest.

I will not hesitate to wash my whole car with the gas station squeegee.

If you see me in public that’s my stunt double.

I don’t know where I stand, so I’m just going to roll around on the floor.

Friendly drunk women in bar bathrooms are my support group.

Everyone’s gangster until their toast pops up.

I’d like to see the cheese before I get into the van

I’m laid back but will lay forward if necessary.

“That’s crazy,” I say, like I didn’t cause it.

Don’t let today’s failures stop tomorrow’s disappointments.

everything is a fukn lesson and i'm tired of learning

It's clear to me that some of you paid attention in school . . . others, not so much.

Those people who are looking forward to a happy afterlife should make sure to have some fun in this life . . . you know, just in case.

I'd probably regret a lotta moments in my life if I could actually remember them.

I'd enjoy a shower more if I had backup singers.

In this day and age, it's hard to believe that prudes still exist.

A long time ago happens pretty fast . . .