Once again, wishing a happy Mother's Day to all you amazing heroes who work so hard to train moths. You are appreciated

clerk [checking my ID]: Dec 25th...are you a Christmas baby? me [blushing]: yeah...I am clerk [angrily snatching the beer off the counter]: Well I sure as hell ain't selling no alcohol to a baby!

Scary: I just realized that if you take the midpoint of 86 and 47, it's 66.5 Round that up? 67 We've got a lot of middle school kids to prosecute

Just sitting here thinking about the one who came from above, suffered, died, rose again, and then ascended to the heavens. I miss you E.T.!

MBJ deserved that so much

Shall I compare thee to a fucking jerk

I can't put into words the feeling of watching our government, a hive of evil antisocial filth, the absolute worst humanity has to offer, colliding with the best. Ordinary people trying to help each other, risking everything to stand up for what's plainly, unambiguously fair and right. It's unreal

On top of the greatest QB play I've ever seen the week before (vs GB). Caleb has GOAT potential

Do not put another dime in the Jukebox Baby. The Jukebox Baby is an abomination

hello

[Xmas morning] Santa: I'm back! Mrs C: Did you see the whore? S: [sigh] Kids lose teeth on Dec 24th. I'm gonna run into her. You know this

Almost hit Christmas without remembering to reshare my alt version of Baby It's Cold Outside. Enjoy

There are two types of Christmas songs: 1) This sure is a lovely time of year 2) I want to fuck the Santa

🚑 🎶 "I Saw Mommy Charged Five Grand for Gauze"🎶🚑 💰🎶"Halve Your Wealth to Repair Your Meniscus"🎶💰 🫤🎶"God Rest Ye Weary New Mother (For 24 Hours, Then Please Vacate the Maternity Ward)" 🎶🫤

Checking in with all the kings and queens who had multiple opportunities this Thanksgiving to reference Tim Robinson quotes and did so but managed to hold back on pulling up Netflix to make them watch the referenced sketch and endure the awkward silence

It’s been a year to the day we bought (and then didn’t, for reasons we still don’t fully know) InfoWars. We’re still trying. In the year since, we built The Onion into one of the biggest newspapers in the United States. I’m so proud of this place. I’m proud we do hard stuff. Thank you for caring.

The downfall of democracy started in 1995 when ya'll voted blue to replace tan in the M&Ms. They learned we can't be trusted

reposting here bc it’s only on the other site but… 5 years ago, I worked at Four Seasons Total Landscaping.

Update: The monkey has been elected governor

I have busted the ghost that was in your hood and which you were probably scared of and screaming Forgive me busting makes me feel good

Every golf tip video: "Here's an easy way to stop topping your 3 wood: Make sure 65% of your weight is on the lead foot. Hinge your wrists no less than 22 degrees but no more than 24 degrees. Keep the club head facing the North Star. Then just relax and swing easy!"

Happy National Sons Day to all sons who have joined their family business, allowing it to change its name to [Family Last Name] & Sons. You help keep this classic business naming convention going strong!

If you don't listen to North American Friends @nafmcpodcast.bsky.social : Now is the time. You may think podcast gross. That's fair. But why not challenge the expectation? Engage w content that supports diplomatic relations w Canada & America. Help us expand the goodwill bc you like nice things.

The “problem” with vaccines? They so effective at preventing deaths that they create generations of people that question whether disease was a problem in the first place because they have never experienced the horrors of a world without vaccines.

@murrman5.bsky.social this is getting ridiculous

Me: I'm allergic to Skyrizi My doctor: Then you probably shouldn't take- Me [popping a Skyrizi]: Shouldn't take a what? Dr: Um, a.... Me [in his face, downing Skyrizi]: Say it, you bastard, I dare you

"It’s time to just accept that some people like having sex with kids and focus on the fantastic things we’re doing to win back the respect of the world." — Donald Trump theonion.com/trump-urges-...

Crap, just realizing we forgot to Be Best

"Daddy, tell your story again, the scary one" Ha, ok. It was a clear black night, a clear white moon. Your daddy Pete was on the streets-

The inker to the artist on the first issue of Fantastic Four: "Why'd you have to go and make Thing so complicated?"

On the next Dog Police: Detective: Four bodies, maybe more Chief: My god, this is brutal [rookie cop vomits] Detective: Dammit son, get it together! [rookie cop nods, eats vomit]

i think, unfortunately, that this may be my masterpiece

It's probably a good sign for democracy that on the rare occasion you see a political article that seems to have interesting facts, its behind a paywall

Not sure how to feel about the fact that the most powerful man in the free world is currently fighting with the richest man on the planet using the same platform and maturity I used 10 years ago to complain that FuckJerry stole my friend's goat pun

Son: Daddy, what was it like during the Dark Times? Me: Oh boy... Well, as you know, back then we didn't have Skyrizi™️

the New Pope says he's from Chicago but he's *actually* from Naperville

Promised the wife I'd quit gambling but can't stop eyeing this "Warriors in 7 + 3 jets in the ocean" parlay

Thrilled to be back up in @pointsincase.com with a new piece today. Please review and I'll loop back later for your takeaways www.pointsincase.com/articles/hey...

Influencer [approaching me, a colorblind man]: Would you like to try these special glasses that let you see color? Me [blushing]: Sure Influencer: Here you go Me soon after: [sobbing because I can finally see colors, and they fucken suck, complete horseshit, waste of everyone's time]

The Pentagon and the Vatican have the chance to do the funniest thing ever

Just sitting here thinking about the one who came from above, suffered, died, rose again, and ascended to the heavens. I miss you E.T.!

ME: I know you from somewhere JESUS: I get that a lot ME: No I’m sure JESUS: Just one of those faces ME: [holding my arms out] Go like this

if i wanted to disrupt global trade AND be popular i would’ve simply got a boat stuck in the suez canal

No, we didn't all scream for ice cream. Some of us were screaming for Barabbas

Brilliant ad placement

I can now justifiably attribute all my new followers to my last post

"I don't understand," I say, as I shove another spoonful of my new favorite cereal Corn Flakes into my mouth, "why I've lost so much interest in masturbating"