Hey man, we cool? I just noticed that when I look at you the reticle turns red.

At least 1% of my phone use is calling my wife's phone to locate it.

Sir, a second bird is at the feeder

One thing about Kash Patel eventually being fired is there’s no way to imagine what his face will look like upon hearing the news.

Noah Wylie shouting out my new fetish:

Being drunk on the job, sullen, and isolating to a serious degree is the most relatable thing I've heard about Kash Patel.

I've been saying this for awhile but putting these ads in public places, where regular people, not companies, can see them is not meant as an ad, but as a threat.

I like watching Minecraft streamers that build giant megastructures with hundreds of windowless studio apartments. It's like watching a mouse paint its cage. #BleakSkeets

You think this guy ever saw that one episode of M*A*S*H?

Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but really, Heavy Metal.

I'm watching a playthrough of "I Am Jesus Christ" and I keep thinking "man, rich people will never, ever choose Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism."

Trump: JD, you love me, don't you? JD: Of course, mister President! Trump: And you'd do anything for me if I ask, is that right? JD: Absolutely, mister President! Trump: Fight the Pope. JD: ... Trump: ... JD: You want me t--? Trump: Fight. The Pope.

It's so weird seeing good news for democracy these days.

From new Hungarian Prime Minister Péter Magyar's acceptance speech tonight. This is the absolute BARE MINIMUM platform for any Democrat running for President in 2028.

one day of this and i’d start talking like barrett in ff7

yeah I'm a spellcaster

They may not be under pressure to change it.

When you repeatedly voted against the Affordable Care Act, and now, you're dying from cancer on government-funded healthcare:

they caught this cop being horny on main in the middle of a swat operation lmaooo

That pride that you feel when watching the pod land in the Pacific, when you hear them talk about the view of Earth from space, when you see the photographs-- that swelling in your chest is why we need STEAM over STEM. The arts and humanities provide context.

the thing about politicians (or any public figure) who gets exposed for doing harmful stuff is they’re the absolute easiest people to dump straight in the trash. no uncomfortable detachment convos. no awkward picking up something from them before going no contact. you just drop em. splat. bye bye!

once you exceed a certain income threshold politics as most people think of it is basically just a question of taste. all rich people are friends and they all sleep together in one big bed every night

the little “well I dunno actually” grimace after “what the fuck are you talking about” is killing me

What Melania was really trying to distract us from:

OMAHA: Does anyone know someone who works for a nonprofit that works to repeal the death penalty in Nebraska, or something related to that fight? Can they speak extemporaneously at a small cocktail event on May 3rd? Lemme know!

WHERE IS THE LIE?!

I just want to remind every foreign power: we are *extremely* and *surprisingly* cool with people kidnapping political leaders.

Economy so bad they literally closed the dick-sucking factory

I guess we're just waiting around to see if this demented psychopath kills everyone: defector.com/i-guess-were...

ot by the Coward Robert Ford

"These truly were the Star Wars."

just learned the Swahili word "shagalabagala" which roughly means "chaos as usual". such a great mouthfeel on that mf

Sir, I will not stand for these atrocities any longer! *angrily opens accessory valet*

costco hot dog

I remain continuously puzzled with Centrists who think it’s a major own on the left to point out the candidates they supported from a leftist perspective actually suck because they turned out to not be leftist. “Ha ha ha, joke’s on you, turns out this guy is more like me and he sucks ass.” Okay.

*movie trailer guy voice*

this would be an amazing way for It to happen

<I’m wheeled into the Pitt> Santos: male, 36, at happy hour, now saying “tummy feel crazy” Al-Hashimi: 47% of men’s bodies reject modern IPAs. They’re too hoppy now Robi: the silent killer. Get him to surgery McKay <alone now, staring straight at camera>: I am the same type of communist as you

Hey we're not gonna do pies anymore haha just kidding okay bye

Just a note to say hello, and that you're hot. #TDOV

Unrelated, but why are all of Pete Hegseth's shirts trying to slowly strangle him?

It would be foolish, of course, to predict the Republicans go 0-for-250-or-whatever during this election cycle, but if there *ever* was a year...

Holy shit, this train is a fucking debacle!