🤍

I saved you all a spot in the hand basket. Come on, it's time to go.

I need a heating pad for my soul.

If food and liquor is making you fat, means you're not getting enough good sex.

I like people with no filter because then I know what kind of crazy I'm vibing with.

A relationship where you can both act like complete idiots together and still be romantic is probably the best thing ever.

The mental hospital cafeteria serves unbalanced meals.

I get it, Bluesky search links, I don't want to work either.

i’m a simple girl really, i just want to watch the sunset, laugh, drink coffee and read books. i also want a time machine and a pet dragon.

I don't know why I have an alarm system I don't have anything worth stealing, I should leave the door open my insurance would buy me new shit.

Imagine being loved the way you love

Spread some compliments. It can make someone's day. People fucking need that.

the world around you is only beautiful when you are at peace with the world within you

I do the fun stuff on my to do list, everything else is just filler and gets moved down the list daily until they're completely off the page.

I believe in kindness and not being a cunt.

Squeezing my wife's ass gives me the same dopamine rush as squeezing a perfectly ripened avocado.

my unload the dishwasher game is flawless

Got told I have lovely hair today. It was my 50 year old Turkish barber Kash. But I’m taking it.

So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses.

Not a bad start to the day 🙂

You know you've hit rock bottom when your imaginary friends won't even play with you anymore.

be fucking real... Not perfect

Hello! Is it me you're looking for? *my sanity, probably

I can't turn water into wine but I can turn water into coffee.

Why is it so hard for the pizza delivery driver to say “I love you too?”

Those, who can crack others up, are real gems.

I don't care how cute or nice you are. I'm not sharing my coffee.

You ever go to shake something but the lid isn't all the way on and then your life is ruined?

Are you in a serious relationship? No, we laugh at dumbshit all the time.

How are you? - they asked. I am ok - I replied. *knowing that "fine", "good", "well", "ok", etc. means still alive, but "go to hell with this kind of life"

It would be absolutely amazing waking up with you already inside me...... ~ Coffee

Dating coach: Men enjoy light flirtatious talk Me: Let’s fuck

Followers are up and engagement is down. Feels like Twitter more each day here.

…and a large order of those mood stabilizers. Ma’am, those are onion rings.

Hot shit in the streets, inadequate in the meats.

Sometimes I can't answer because there's no way to keep it appropriate.

air fryers are just easy-bake ovens for adults.

I was feeling responsible so I poured myself slightly less bourbon than I normally would even tho it's 3 hours past my bedtime.

Failed the CPR test again because I'm never quite sure when I'm supposed to stick my tongue down their throat.

Movie dates are the best. You're not allowed to talk, it's dark, there's popcorn, and if it's crowded you don't even have to sit together.

i can’t control anyone’s loyalty, i just know mine is genuine.

If only you could see yourself through my eyes..... You are very blurry.

I’ve never regretted taking the scenic route.

Why is the world so cruel? It's not the world, it's people...