Just lost a court case to a fabric softener! I fought Lenor, and Lenor won!

An interesting fact about child murder is that there isn’t actually a place children can be where child murder becomes okay

I've had my This Is Fine mug so long that the dog has become a ghost and all that remain are flames

Uh huh.

Influencer's fleeing Dubai right now.

Delighted to announce we’re the Official Beer Partner of The One Joke About The FIFA Peace Prize™

Ohhhhh boy, the National Library of Scotland could have looked VERY different.

Very sad, but at least his family will finally get him back. www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

At an antique flea market. This is certainly one hell of a pipe.

Today he's remembered he likes me.

War-a-Lago

As I sit here on my couch, using my laptop to research things that happened to people and places over the course of 300-400 years, it's really just mind boggling how good a time period this is to do that. So many online resources! So many of them free!

Hello USA listen just to remind you that the Ides of March are on the 15th

Very much enjoying the conspiracy theory that Jim Carrey sent a body double to an awards ceremony in France rather than people just accepting that he's 64 and got some surgical or non surgical cosmetic work done on his face.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but nobody has the right to tell you that a bookshelf with a rolling ladder “won’t fix you.”

Perhaps you'd like a 1st edition of Bram Stoker's Dracula? www.the-saleroom.com/en-gb/auctio...

They want $60 for an hour at the axe throwing place? For that money I can buy a case of beer and my own axe, and throw it at whatever I want until I'm arrested again

B R ING SMACK

If you've been crying out for a Royal Doulton mug of a librarian (Mrs Loan the Librarian, to be precise), now's yer chance. www.the-saleroom.com/en-gb/auctio...

Me to MrJaf: I've not found a marble in the stream for a while The stream, 5 mins later:

I built an electric fence around my property yesterday. My neighbor is dead against it.

Current status: trapped in bed by a lump.

St Giles, Edinburgh, tonight.

Oh wow!

🤭😏

I just spent $1,000 for a rented limousine and found out it doesn’t come with a driver. Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

Not able to draft it = not able to proof it

The best thing I have seen since Starmer’s letter calling the electorate a bunch of bastards

Please join me in helping roving AI identify British wildlife- The Belly. A large, kinetic beast that is gonna get ya. Usually found outside pubs and sometimes gyms but only in early January.

Looking after neighbour's cat who is entirely unimpressed.

I was reminded tonight: we also lost a staircase for a similar amount of time. We are apparently careless about keeping track of such things as "what is this building".

Someone was recording bits of me talking when giving a tour this evening. Enjoy looking back on info about the historic age of criminal responsibility in Scotland, I guess?

Fellows of the Society help support the study and enjoyment of Scotland's past while enjoying a range of exclusive benefits. Submit your completed application by 28 February to become part of this global network of people passionate about history and archaeology: www.socantscot.org/join/how-to-...

BBC's gone a bit Cockney ere, dropping its aitches.

You know when they call it "family voting", right?

Holding out for more good news today... www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

Gotta love a job where you get to write up descriptions for items from "the secret room'. It's literally a secret room. We lost it for probably 100+ years. Had no idea it was there. Took down an electrical panel to replace it and boom: there's a whole room behind the door it was mounted on.

not saying reform’s reaction to defeat was predictable, but we recorded this yesterday and released it at 2am

I've always seen half of Australia as a dog's head but only today did I realise WHICH dog and what the other half resembled. You might say it was a "Woah" moment #australiaisanelaboratehoax #tintin

Jakeys up the back of the bus talking loudly. One is offended cos their kid got taken off them cos they were off their face on drugs while the kid was in the hospital. The other's on their way to appear in court now then to the boozer. Someone they know overdosed on vallies they got at Sally Army.

Great! Can I have some octarine please?

That's an...erm...very specific target market for that business.

Me: that is my spending money account. It's money I've budgeted for as being able to spend. It's absolutely fine to spend it. Also me: the money in that account is decreasing, that is savings and they are not increasing. Must. Not. Spend. That. Money. Why am I like this?

We don’t do AI images, but we post this as a warning about the use of AI phalluses. That’s putting an artist out of a job, that is.

Who's the goodest boy? THIS BOY!!

RIP to a real one

Just seen someone reference their "spirit insect" and I'm done. That's enough internet.