the art that got me famous on twitter: now on bluesky

seatbelts

god damn Beastie Boys suck so fucking bad. Always have!!! Just total dog shit for morons

people love to run a few minutes late (23)

my boy Credulous Faulk: The law come down me: what ? my boy Credulous Faulk: A guy in a charcoal mantle ride down from on top Beckoners Hill with lilies and little fossils that spell up what the law is. We have to behave the way it says. The law come down. me: i just learned the old ways dude

me: (coming upon my boy Primcloth at a dilapidated gas station in the desert) sanctum for the machine my boy Primcloth: sanctum for the machine brother me: u got a locust? my boy Primcloth: (digging in pockets) i think i caught Oldskin from an arbiter who came by yesterday me: u got a locust or no

anton chigurh: heads or tails. you must chose. me: is that a Prince Valiant cut? anton: yeah it used to have more volume me: you want to use something light on it, no silicone-heavy washes and of course... both of us (laughing): blow dry from the roots! me: alright heads anton: it's tails

In case anyone is wondering how I "clocked" Platner, it was the fact that he is a literal mercenary with a Nazi tattoo. Maybe keep that in your back pocket

[watching a good tv ahow] why don’t they just make all tv shows good

I was saying crucified

trump's gonna have to make his most perfect phone call yet

“hand-scooped ice cream” how else were you going to do it

watched two minutes of World Cup and am immediately disgusted by the crying and flopping. they should all be in prison for it

Please bear witness to my humanity and take some small portion of it for yourself. Return the favor to someone else later when you can. orbooks.com/catalog/we-h...

took the children to a diner for breakfast and math practice and their only desire is to get their brains melted by staring over my shoulder at Chive TV

i don't see any issue with hitting (white, male!) amazon employees when your package is late

(Begrudgingly) Widow’s Bay is as good as everyone said

I have read the second page maybe twelve separate times today and every time I still laugh irl

Sherlock Holmes: Moriarty, my one intellectual equal Moriarty: Holmes, my one nemesis, for you alone can match my genius Sherlock Holmes: let us settle this great game, this contest of wills, in the only way it is appropriate *two drunks kick each other in the stomach by a waterfall*

I wrote about the Prairieland defendants and the urgency of opposing the extreme sentences handed down on Tuesday. And they likely will not be the last.

Kanye dropping “me likey” at 1:36 in “Stronger” still in the top ten of weird Kanye shit

it's official: these new bathrooms in pdx airport represent the peak of human accomplishment. individual, private rooms. no gaps. a shared sink and waiting area. light, bright, pleasant. accessible. the toilet gold standard. we did it folks

what’s up with the people who go to the beach and set up their tent and stuff 9999 feet from the water. just curious thank you

one day I will be like 80 years old and brushing my teeth and thinking about something stupid I said when I was 22 and then yelling “fuck! Christ!” in my shitty little old person apartment

He reminds me of a Jesse Plemons character. Sinister and affectless at the same time.

single bounce house for every child in two mile radius. delancey street McDonalds levels of chaos

[after five minutes at a much ballyhooed and beloved annual street fair] oh right I fucking hate these

It's very revealing of a number of things. 1) Are you the only real person who exists? 2) Can you be moderately inconvenienced for 15 seconds without losing your temper? 3) Does might always make right? If the answer is yes to any of those, whoops, you're a right winger!

when I’m at a museum and there’s an exhibit called like Climate Crisis 👎 miss me with that. wheres the big ass tesla coil

This guy looks like the pig Homer sees while trying to gain weight

MSG can hold 20k people and that's a lot of boos! Pretty cool! Imagine all the cool things 20k people can do! Can't imagine what could stop 20k people if they decided to do something really cool!

the videos of dozens of iranian missiles raining down on tel aviv and jerusalem should make any decent person feel fear and revulsion but honestly: no people on this planet have ever deserved it more than 2026 israel

crushing two mcgriddles before a hateful full body workout

Hello! I'm Greg Erskine, and I'm running for State Representative in New Hampshire's District 22 (Manchester's Ward 11). New Hampshire needs strong public schools, freedom of bodily autonomy, and fair taxation that works for all Granite Staters. secure.actblue.com/donate/greg-...

tipping the teachers cash on the last day of school like My Blue Heaven

Pulte as acting DNI is so fucking weird!!!!!

[finding a stuffed garbage bag from three years ago labeled FUZZY BLANKETS in the basement] good thing I kept this. Time to bring them inside the main house where I live, and use them

Thanks to all of you who reached out after I had to put my chimp down. Yes it was hard to lose him, we were raised together and he was more of a sibling than a pet. But the hardest part? Was learning he spoke perfect english from him begging us not to go through with it as we buzzsawed off his head.

Look i don’t give a shit unless he’s dead

appointment at 1 pm so I have to get in place and sit perfectly still for the next 45 minutes

Grogu burst in the microwave.

weird twitter era army guy name

maybe they don’t work for everyone but if you are middle aged and still drink now and then, zbiotics are the greatest invention of the last 3000 years

liatp (laughing irl at the post) <- just invented this. feel free to use it

I have read the second page maybe twelve separate times today and every time I still laugh irl

“Concerning”; World’s Most Humanlike AI Program Kills Itself Attempting to Generate a 10 Quadrillion Pixel Image of A Hamburger For Seemingly No Reason

heard a guy say "you have to access it through the portal" and i was momentarily struck by how sad it is that what he said is so boring :( "accessing it via the portal" should be wonderful. we deserve that at least. it should be cool to access it via the portal and instead it sucks shit