If you're doing a costume for World Book Day surely the only choice is Atlas

The media is trying to make me feel sorry for the kind of British people who visit Dubai by choice

Hey gurrrrrl are you a western military intervention in the Middle East because you also seem like an incredibly bad, permanently damaging idea that reminds me of my early twenties

40th episode of the Quantum Leopard podcast w/ Kate Cheka is now out! A great conversation about the class war, getting railed in a chapel, and why 40 year old cis men are the Oxbridge of dating. Enjoy! quantumleopard.podbean.com/e/episode-40...

TWO MINUTE FAVOUR! PLEASE vote for Quantum Leopard in the Chortle Awards, "Best live comedy format" - that's the one we won the last three years. The link is here. Thanks loads in advance! www.chortle.co.uk/news/2026/02...

Hey everyone, tickets now on general release for our 11TH BIRTHDAY SHOW W/ THE CREATIVE MARTYRS, Sooz Kempner, Dru Cripps, Andy Barr and some lovely fives! Saturday 21/03/26: www.ticketsource.co.uk/quantum-leop...

On train last night. An old woman was playing far right tiktok out loud on her phone. I politely warned her that her headphones appeared to have stopped working. She then mercifully stopped. Your mileage may vary. She's entitled to her own white noise, but not everyone else's.

Why do they call it a lamb and not a minibaa?

Okay, this is quite outstanding from Bedford Council.

Did Comedy Club 4 Kids today with 20 mins of Guess Who which was an absolute delight. I closed my set with a one Vs ten thumb war because I genuinely couldn't tell that some smaller children were standing up

Hello lovers and fighters. QUANTUM LEOPARD IS NEXT SAT and has @robinince.bsky.social @rachcreeger.bsky.social Caitriona Dowden & Fred Barber. Just 10 tickets left at time of writing, which is some, but not loads and loads, so hop on it if you're keen: www.ticketsource.co.uk/quantum-leop...

Aren't all tattoos temporary tattoos if you acknowledge your own mortality?

People assume Scooby Doo is male but they actually go by rhey/rhem

Hello lovers and fighters. QUANTUM LEOPARD IS NEXT SAT and has @robinince.bsky.social @rachcreeger.bsky.social Caitriona Dowden & Fred Barber. Just 10 tickets left at time of writing, which is some, but not loads and loads, so hop on it if you're keen: www.ticketsource.co.uk/quantum-leop...

Chester! Join us at @storyhouselive.bsky.social on Wednesday 18th for #halfterm giggles with @runitalwar.bsky.social, @jamesrosscomedy.bsky.social and Danny Pensive! Comedy! Games! Light ridiculousness! 🎟️ www.storyhouse.com/whats-on/com...

Coooo! Tonight at XS, it's the return of delightful pigeon-fancier Toussaint Douglass! Not only that, but also @androjonny.bsky.social, @jamesrosscomedy.bsky.social, sketch duo The Mayor and His Daughter, and our own fancy pigeon @tobyhadoke.bsky.social www.wegottickets.com/xsmalarkey

Reminds me I came up with this solution to the problems of the new economic model in the arts back on Twitter

The latest episode of the Quantum Leopard podcast with ALEX FRANKLIN is out now if you fancy it, really interesting set and chat about trans identity and zoology: quantumleopard.podbean.com/e/episode-39...

On almost everything – fraud, polarisation, radicalisation, misinformation – evidence suggests that over 60s are in much more urgent need of online protection and education than teenagers. But that issue gets zero political attention, and is a total non-starter. Nothing good will come of it.

Maybe Keir Starmer *is* good policies. Like Clark Kent and Superman, have you ever seen Keir Starmer and a good policy in the same place at the same time?

It’s time to abolish tuition fees and cancel student debt. Education is a public good, not a commodity.

Contrary to popular belief, cows only have one stomach. They only have four stomachs if you offer them pudding

UK PEOPLE: this is REALLY IMPORTANT. If the government bans under-16s from using VPNs, then logically they must intend to REQUIRE AGE VERIFICATION FOR ALL VPN USE. Which will affect adults too! *Your* right to anonymous web browsing is at risk! https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/754408

these two old men used to sit with each other on a park bench near my house. same time every day, never spoke a word to each other. yesterday, I got there early and put a single chess piece on the bench. now one is dead and the other was last seen boarding a flight to minsk.

Go out with a bang, not a whimper. Because bangs are more commitment-minded.

look upon my works, ye mighty, and let me know what you think

SEVEN tickets left for the first QL of 2026 on SATURDAY 17/01/26 w/ @jlukeroberts.bsky.social @adelecliff.bsky.social @presidentobonjo.bsky.social Niamh Simpson,Zoe Brownstone & more inc meeee MCing www.ticketsource.co.uk/quantum-leop... As ever pay what you like & a lovely time!

It's called a Praying Mantis but they're actually more spiritual than religious

Trying to explain to Mrs Beth that I need to buy a 3D printer so I can print a face hugger for my CPAP machine

If the Palestine Action hunger strikers die - which they could do at any moment, as they are now very close to the end - it will be the government that killed them. Today’s column explains why. Please share, and write urgently to your MP. www.theguardian.com/commentisfre...

My partner wonders why our toddler prefers me, it's simple just sit on the floor while they play and PUT YOUR FUCKING PHONE DOWN

Hey everyone, tickets are LIVE and on general release for the first QL of 2026, 17/01/26 w/ JOHN LUKE ROBERTS, Adele Cliff, President Obonjo, Zoe Brownstone, Niamh Simpson, meeee MCing and a bunch of lovely fives. Book in if you fancy! www.ticketsource.co.uk/quantum-leop...

Nothing quite makes one nostalgic for one's youth like an imperialist invasion of an oil-rich nation

Clearing out the kitchen cupboards and realising that there is such a thing as structural mustard

The latest episode of the Quantum Leopard podcast w/ Hasan Al-Habib is out now! A cracking set and a lovely chat this one, get it in your ears: quantumleopard.podbean.com/e/episode-38...

Threads is a Christmas movie

Wanna feel old? The Trex from Jurassic Park is now 65million and 32 years old

babe let's make this bauhaus a bauhome

actually i prefer savory caroline

Full solidarity to @robinince.bsky.social . The next time some prick wangs on about how You Can't Say Anything Anymore remind them about this:

If a psychic medium successfully contacts the dead, they get promoted to being a psychic very good

Can't help but feel that communion would be more popular if our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ was a gingerbread man

Observational humour is a lot like sex in the sense that you'll be closer to your audience if you put it in the second person

Once I’d finally perfected my cloning machine I was beside myself.

Unlike the debunked “millionaire exodus”, Britain’s young workers really are leaving in droves— 174,000+ since March 2024. The motor of our economy walking away is a crisis that really should worry us. 🧵So, why are they leaving and how can we stop it? 1/9

What if octopuses have three hearts as an evolutionary adaptation that allows them to love like they've never been hurt?

I do nude modelling. By which I mean, I do not pose naked, but I project what, statistically, would happen if I did

I have experienced the love that dare not speak its name. By which I mean I once got off with someone in a very strict library

As a pirate, I am married to the sea. But the sea be a harsh mistress. So I am cheating on the sea with the sea.