Happy birthday to the Soviet linguist Yuri Knorozov who casually deciphered the Mayan script in 1952 and got pissed when editors removed his cat as co-author on papers or cropped her out of his author headshot (the only picture of himself he even liked)

A shipping container is a box you use to store your thirsty fanfic

A mousehole is what you go down if you snort too much mouse

Why do they call it a naysayer and not a horse

The secret ingredient in my Millionaire's Shortbread? Inheritance.

I’ve been thinking about mulled wine. But when you think about it, isn’t all wine mulled wine?

I admire the robin redbreast. Any strong male character that is willing to emphasise cleavage is alright in the book of this middle aged man. In a sense, is he not the truly Great Tit?

I hate that AI has made me approach cute animal videos with an air of suspicion. I resent having to harden my heart to the possibility of an unlikely friendship between a very large dog and a very small one

I think it's time we acknowledged that travel doesn't make you more interesting. It just means that you're boring further away

Isn’t every bracelet a friendship bracelet if there's love in your heart?

Isn’t all heart surgery is open heart surgery if your surgeon is emotionally available?

The incredible James Ross is back by popular demand in Hastings this coming Saturday 22nd at the Electric Palace with his wonderful show Guess Who? 2: Now Even Guessier. Last year was a sell out so get your tickets now! @jamesrosscomedy.bsky.social www.electricpalacecinema.com/whats-on/gue...

People in HASTINGS, I am doing my very silly 2025 fringe show JAMES ROSS DOES GUESS WHO 2: NOW EVEN GUESSIER at the Electric Palace on Saturday 22nd Nov. Special extended one (with interval!). Do pop along if you're free! www.electricpalacecinema.com/whats-on/gue...

Hey all, just SIX tickets left for Saturday's 10 out of 10 special if you fancy a last minute night out: www.ticketsource.co.uk/quantum-leop...

Bored of sweet potatoes. I want potatoes that are manipulative and emotionally withholding

"Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars" you say without considering for a moment that if you were to be flown to the moon you would still be on average 1AU from the nearest star. You amateur. You fucking idiot.

Make sure your lovemaking is thorough. Don't just give head, give shoulders, knees and toes.

Much is made of Peak Oil, the time when global oil production maximum rate, after which production will gradually decline. Less is made of the fact of the greater tragedy that at 40 I am now at Peak Compliment.

Podcast enjoyers may like to know that the latest episode of the Quantum Leopard podcast featuring Bronwyn Sweeney is out now! quantumleopard.podbean.com/e/episode-36...

The British Library Sound Archive is preserving the Quantum Leopard podcast as part of their archive! They're super selective so it's a real honour to have something we've worked so hard on saved for posterity. Look us up in your podcast app of choice or at quantumleopard.podbean.com

There are no small parts, only small actors. But it's important to remember it's still possible to choke on a small actor.

Fun fact: the term "autocorrect" was initially coined to describe my opinions.

A.A. Milne’s full name is Anti-Aircraft Milne.

Professional rock paper scissors? You'll be making money hand over fist.

A: "We've found the murder weapon." B: "What is it?" A: "Three tablespoons of cornflour." B: "Ah." [eyes narrow] "The plot thickens."

Next QL! There will be TEN ACTS each doing TEN MINUTES. No headliner, no opener, no fives, I'll be doing a bit of MCing, and that's it, that's the plan. If it works, I'll do it again next year. If it doesn't work I will never do it again. Seem fair? www.ticketsource.co.uk/quantum-leop...

The latest Quantum Leopard w/ Joz Norris as Hugh Jackman, Rosie Holt MP, Hasan Al-Habib, Sarah Gaul et al is now available on Patreon! Rates start at £1 a month and we only charge when a new live show video comes out, so that's like £11 a year. What a steal! www.patreon.com/posts/quantu...

Maybe Bronze Age civilisations wouldn't have collapsed so hard if someone checked in on them from time to time to see how they were feeling.

Leopard print is all the more impressive when you remember that the first typesetters had to roll a freshly inked leopard on the material each time.

Science can build a computer that can beat Gary Kasparov at chess. But can it build a computer that will beat Gary Kasparov at love? He’s been divorced twice so I think the answer is “yes”.

The latest Quantum Leopard w/ Joz Norris as Hugh Jackman, Rosie Holt MP, Hasan Al-Habib, Sarah Gaul et al is now available on Patreon! Rates start at £1 a month and we only charge when a new live show video comes out, so that's like £11 a year. What a steal! www.patreon.com/posts/quantu...

A lemongrass is what you call a lemon that can't keep its fucking mouth shut

Everyone asks what we should do with the drunken sailor, but nobody ever stops to ask him why he drinks

Moral relativism chess where both sides play grey

Finchley! KIDS! See you at #artsdepot on Sunday 19th for double gig goodness with @alexanderybennett.bsky.social, @zafarcakes.bsky.social, @jamesrosscomedy.bsky.social and @bechillcomedian.bsky.social! Stand-up! Silliness! Really impressive eyebrows waggling! 🎟️ www.artsdepot.co.uk/event/comedy...

Reads like an IV

I’ve been thinking about Caffe Nero’s loyalty card. I think there should be a Caffè Julius Caesar disloyalty card you stab it through the back every visit

NSFW should absolutely be a Meyers-Briggs type, as should Capricorn and Donatello

“Tony Blair will bring peace to Palestine” claims rep.

36th episode of the Quantum Leopard podcast w/ JOHN ROBERTSON @robbotron.bsky.social is now out! We talk about The Dark Room and audience consent. Enjoy! quantumleopard.podbean.com/e/episode-35...

36th episode of the Quantum Leopard podcast w/ JOHN ROBERTSON @robbotron.bsky.social is now out! We talk about The Dark Room and audience consent. Enjoy! quantumleopard.podbean.com/e/episode-35...

I've got a body made for sin. That sin is gluttony. With a bit of sloth.

Thanks to all who came out last night to the London Renters Union benefit, and thanks to Kate Smurthwaite, Hasan Al-Habib and Alasdair Beckett-King for giving their time and smashing it! £687 raised in the end which is none too shabby. Hopefully another one next year, watch this space!

I live alone, and talk to myself aloud quite a lot. In unrelated news, my partner recently bought me a novelty teatowel featuring a mutual friend's face. Thus it was that I found myself considering aloud during a domestic task that "No, @jamesrosscomedy.bsky.social doesn't go in the tumble dryer…"

Look what we have here then.

If anyone's at a loose end Sunday, I'm running a fab little benefit at BOLD for London Renters Union. Alasdair Beckett-King, Kate Smurthwaite, Hasan Al-Habib. Will be a fun one! BYOB as ever so super cheaps and a great cause! fienta.com/rent-a-laugh...

Why does no-one ever talk about how hard it is to get blood into a stone in the first place?

I’ve been thinking about crying over spilled milk. There’s no sense crying over spilled milk they say. Why not? If not you, who? Who will weep for the milk?