oh, you’re “starving”?? name every food you can’t eat

why does anyone buy any ice cream that is not vanilla? you can take it out of the freezer, throw it in a bowl, then close your eyes and grab random things out of your pantry and/or refrigerator and throw it in the bowl and bam, new delicious thing today: handful of dry roasted peanuts and nutella

this is absolutely epstein emailing himself shit he typed into the computer on acid

from: [email protected] to: [email protected] Your Amazon order is expected to deliver today. This email was sent from an address that cannot accept incoming email. Please do not reply to this message. from: [email protected] to: [email protected] wwhere’s my ordur.. im a pedophile btw

wow they did it, they found a way to make me not want to play the next horizon game: microtransaction mobile monhun clone? sigh

For folks (and journalists) who want to search the Oversight Committee email texts, I made a database for searching the 20k text files: splendorous-chaja-f79791.netlify.app

“Hey man what are you doing today” ‘Do you have bus fare’ “Nah” ‘Shit, idk then. I was hoping to murder a rich white lady on the bus but I can’t do that if I don’t have fare’ “Bummer, let’s get jobs and pay taxes then I guess”

the only thing democrats should be saying today is “the entire republican party is engaged in a coverup of the most notorious child sex trafficking ring in world history”

BREAKING: (Gift) New Epstein emails reveal that Epstein claimed he had kompromat on President Trump. www.miamiherald.com/news/politic...

today at the dog park neighboring the public tennis courts I witnessed a dude putting a battery operated ball launcher inside his suv accidentally hit some sort of button on it, which caused the machine to start firing tennis balls inside of the vehicle, which ended up giving him a black eye

hello! freg!

I have had this in my head for a solid day now and can finally go to sleep

Today is the only day you can repost this

SCHUMER: Well, I—for one—am touched by this act of generosity. Perhaps one day, all of humanity will know the saying “Be welcoming of Greeks bearing gifts.”

dear intelligent design people: why exactly was there a 1" hair growing out of the top of my left ear

"oh no, oops, i'm so sorry," as i empty an entire bag of doritos coated in baby oil on the asphalt i quickly rob the liquor store at gunpoint as my optimus parole officer haplessly breakdances on the ground, desperate to gather 13 ounces of well lubed flamin' hot™

this article makes me so angry

tesla optimus cop: you are uhh under epic bacon arrest, you um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um UM UM um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um UM um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um uggmmmjjjzzzzm um um um um um um um um um um um um um u

in a long life filled with saying stupid shit this is may be the stupidest shit he's ever said

Dear Seattle friends:

trust is neither given nor earned. it forms naturally between people who share the experience of having listened to Skinny Puppy at or after 3 am in the dark by themselves

for my birthday i would like you to say happy birthday to me (or don't i'm not your mom)

this is good right

I have to hand it to them, it's an incredible bit to publicly lose a game of chicken, admit that's what happened, and then spend the next day lecturing everyone about courage and tenacity

Have you seen what the farmer's been up to?

Whenever some sanctimonious Dem announces that America needs a functioning Republican Party, I always think “I’d settle for a functioning Democratic Party.”

Coming soon, a 30 foot tall anatomically correct statue of Scott Adams with an upturned dilbert tie. Critics rave, say it is the most brilliant and biting commentary against failing liberal culture

The sad violins documentary about how sad it made Israeli soldiers to do genocidal war crimes for more than two years straight because "an order is an order" will of course be prohibited by Israeli censors. www.theguardian.com/world/2025/n...

This is a bad deal, and the old way of doing things is clearly not working. We need new leaders in the Senate.

Blue Prince developer announces 'a plea for help': one of the game's lead playtesters 'has only a few months to find a living kidney donor' www.pcgamer.com/games/puzzle...

everyone who joined november '24 should be permabanned

DOJ Admits to Republicans That Epstein Files are reportedly even more damning for Donald Trump than previously indicated—and it was already bad. newrepublic.com/post/202813/...

White House   Maid Shrieks After Spotting    Melania  On Ceiling

do mortgage companies sell your mortgage just to annoy you into paying it off because the interest rates are so low they want to get out from under them getting sick of having to install a new phone app once a year that may or may not even work

🚨BREAKING: Donald Trump & USDA going to Supreme Court to try and STOP SNAP Benefits from being distributed. This is truly the MOST evil thing I have ever witnessed by a sitting Administration. Absolutely DESPICABLE! www.lawdork.com/p/trump-admi...

In Japan, tourism to Portland, Oregon, is promoted by a grinning blue monster named Odnarodude. He’s at a Portland artisan event in Jiyugaoka De Aone this weekend.

now that we can edit texts in imessage i am going to send everyone texts like "the ritual is complete" and then quickly edit it to say whatever it was going to say, like "yes i'll come to grandma's birthday, should i bring a gift" we need bsky edit button so i can post like this

Sam Altman should be held directly personally responsible — not liable RESPONSIBLE as though he killed these people.

I’d like to announce my new company which will revolutionize the screw industry. You’ve never seen a more attractive screw, feast your eyes on this beauty! Sharks, I am looking for $75,000,000 for a 10% stake-

barely a metaphor lmao

can someone explain to me why the moderator AI bots are so desperate to flag any lukewarm "dick cheney sucks" take as rude like, the man is dead, and it can be argued that he had been for 15 years depending on your definition? he's not getting upset about posts about him

in more dick cheney related news, louise lucas did a "sorry to this man" about megyn kelly lol

me: i need 2 of this gadget giant cursed shopping corp: no problem (2 days later) corp: your 2 things ordered at the same time are on the way. one is arriving today, one is arriving tomorrow * owns own shipping company * can't put 2 identical tiny things in 1 box ???

There's a very real possibility the incoming NYC mayor has seen your nudes

I don’t know how many times I’ve watched this video. I don’t know how we’ve gotten to the point where men in full balaclavas can abduct daycare teachers while they’re watching children. But I do know that this isn’t sustainable. Abolish ICE. There is no way to reform this.

Clive Barker: hey steve where's your friend elon Stephen King: he's not my friend Barker: yeah sure so where is he? Barker: haven't seen him allllll day Barker: wonder what's up with that Barker: sure hope he's not having a bad time Barker: ha ha ha ha