the itsy bitsy spider climbed up a friggin COCK!!

(Hearing that someone is a "size queen") You're a mattress measuring 60 inches by 80 inches? Well it's inconsistent with my visual perception but I have been wrong before

My datum just got leaked 😮‍💨

(To the guy at the next urinal who keeps spitting) You got you pipes confused, brother

Got into it with cooky. Now i'm banned from mess

Every simpsons quote exists in my mind at all times. I choose to attend to particular quotes as needed

Unfortunately a phrase like "holding space for x" requires me to embrace analytic philosopher pedantry and reply something about how only the items contained in space can be held

The Smashing Machine? I've already seen it.

It’s so hard pretending astrology is fake…but I just hate women so much 😩

YODA: circumcised are you ME: That's a private matter, Yoda. YODA: absent of skin a jedi must be ME: Not interested. Go away, Yoda. YODA: take off your shorts you must YODA: show it to me you will YODA: going where are you YODA: your penis I must see YODA: cut your long pink pipe must be YODA: mmMm

Just painted and designed this! Any feedback is appreciated

An ai company did something stupid to piss me off. I better write 10000000000000 articles about it

It’s not fashionable these days to point out that the episode of Louie where someone tells him nonchalantly “we have trillionaires now” actually happened

I have a FREE sneak preview of my new comic available on my web shop. The book itself is coming out in one week but you can check out the first 16 pages now. shop.tedmaycomics.com/b/6fl09

The type of slop meal my dad used to make himself when my mom was out of town (e.g. can of beans with Grape Nuts) are becoming increasingly familiar

Any robot is a sex robot if you have sex with it

KOKO THE GORILLA: Koko birkin bag. Practical Koko possession bag RESEARCHER: No, Koko. You can’t have a Birkin bag. KOKO: Good Birkin good Koko give beautiful Koko deserve gorilla RESEARCHER: Koko, we simply can’t afford a Birkin bag. It is an unjustifiable expense. KOKO: jealousy professor

Yeah I’m listening to geese. They’re honking and squonking for bread crumbs. Yes I’m talking about the rock band!

They call it nicoteen because it’s for children aged 13-18

this email could have been a slow walk on the quiet forest trail

YUP

Ok but the road to fascism did have Hey Arnold

I just remembered that the roots feature prominently in every episode lol

Every time the museum posts like an assistant film curator position that I’m absolutely not qualified for I wonder which of my friends I should be sending it to

New Crickets soon

"Not a significant source of Vitamin D" What? Why am I drinking this? "Same Great Flavor!" Ah... Now I remember. "Can you solve the maze? ⤵️" A test of wits, eh? I believe you will find me the equal of Theseus.

the president has begun ranking generals out loud by fuckability

My waiters at the table of success think I’m charismatic and generous

Simple as

The detail that the guy from fat city worked at a box factory is killing me

I say this a lot but it's cool that this sort of thing is the greatest achievement in the history of humanity and no one wants to pay any money for it to exist

"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig as many graves as you can" - the behind on his work gravedigger

Kamala is growing more Brat with each passing moment

I would like one good thing (descriptive) to happen. In particular, I would like one good thing (referential) to happen.

These condoms are terrible. Snoopy is only on the magnums. I can't be fucking with Schroeder on

"torture rocks i love having open wounds" cool man. well i'll leave you to it then

What if two factors isn't enough authentication? Send me a carrier pigeon.

Donald Trump is basically a cheugy karen

this is how you get American cops to care about an assault: wait til they assault a car

reporter: donald trump has announced that americans must evolve into a race of hardy metal men via mandated injections of liquid mercury. your response? klobuchar: *visibly straining to remember line consultants came up with* donkey kong donald’s economic policies are “bananas” for small business

If I make a joke about a cartoonist how many people will block me

What's interesting about Sonic is that he can really move, but, however, he has an attitude

Stop saying "nonzero chance"

Nice Lady defeats Trump in high stakes battle of wits

do YOU trust this man? I do not

Annihilator by Josh Simmons. Great writing and art, fully realized settings, confident pacing, vibrant colors balancing its grim core. Heavy duty cartooning, proving that a blood-soaked vigilante story doesn’t have to be boring, homogenous dogshit. Nicely printed by Mansion Press. Recommended.