In some personal news, I’m buying a pergola kit from Costco, thereby unlocking a new level of middle-aged homeowner.

Watch this to bring joy into your life.

If you don’t want Platner to win the Maine Democratic primary, might I suggest doing something about it (such as signing up to phone/text bank for his Dem opponent)?

I have never so badly wanted something from my birthplace. Including Carbones pizza (though that is a close second).

Camouflage vs concealment

Again, states should explicitly give children the legal right to sue their parents for failing to vaccinate them if they suffer harm from that decision.

Me, feeling floaty because of an edible: hell yeah, this is the good shit. Me, feeling floaty because I have a cold with a fever of 101: I’ve made my peace with death, please lord be merciful and take me now.

He did not “accuse” them of it. He’s a judge. He “found” that they had, in fact, done so. JFC NPR, do better.

I’ve a gremlin under my desk.

Takeout/delivery and cooking your own food are both wrong. Instead you should be extracting atmospheric dust, nutrients, and moisture using specialized microscopic hairs called trichomes.

I wish they were a thicker-style chip but dear lord these are delicious.

Thinking about billing you all for making me read that DOJ waiver of claims.

Yard signs got me all fucked up, voted for a local roofing company.

Even Shaq Surprised To Learn He’s The New Spokesman For DivaCup https://bit.ly/4ftZis4

daaaamn london

Pick a Bond from photos you already have on your phone.

I can accept the Muppets being in commercials because they’re showbiz people. I cannot accept the Sesame Street Muppets being in commercials because they’re educators.

I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but has anyone noticed how shitty potatoes are these days?

Eastern Motors. Your job’s your credit.

My favorite morning “ritual” is entering my password 15 times to log in to my work computer.

I feel like I’m being chastised for something.

Wemby: “I refuse to carry the burden of having to hide my emotions.” This is amazing.

If you are a prosecutor and cannot respond to this question with some form of “I’m confident that we can get a conviction” you should probably be concerned about Rule 11 sanctions.

a ballroom has a core strategic weakness: the man in the back saying “everyone attack”

Pretty sure lavender and calendar are in cahoots against me.

Happy birthday to Carson, the happy birthday boy.

Holy crap, guys. His approval rating is down 300%.

What do you mean the Vikings don’t pick until 18 they fucking sucked last year

Sunshine enjoyers.

Not just Catholics, not all people of any faith, but it is another example of how for a lot of people religion is less a deeply held belief system and more an embrace of controlling society in alignment with your preferences.

young pope leo looks like a ska scene regular who goes by Upbeat but no one knows his real name

Man Who Threw Molotov Cocktail At Sam Altman’s Home Claims He Was Following ChatGPT Recipe For Risotto https://theonion.com/man-who-threw-molotov-cocktail-at-sam-altmans-home-claims-he-was-following-chatgpt-recipe-for-risotto/

Melania: I never cut child in half with sword. I never do this. The entire USA: what? Melania: not me.

Update! We raised $850, which is awesome imo, including from a lot of folks who didn’t submit brackets. If you’d like to add to the donation, there’s still time! Per usual, I’ll hold off on sending the donation to Second Harvest for a few days.

I AM GOING TO BURN DOWN THE SHED UNLESS WE HAVE PIZZA ROLLS FOR DINNER TONIGHT [mom sighs, rolls her eyes, writes "pizza rolls" on the grocery list for next week] I HAVE DECIDED NOT TO BURN DOWN THE SHED

hey if you think you're mad now just wait til tomorrow morning when we find out who all made money off this

TBH I’d feel safer right now if I was told that an unnamed staffer accidentally left the nuclear football on the green line last night.

Was at any point a McKinsey consultant.

Packers fan.

You’d have thunk, what with all the rapid advancements in technology over the past 20 years, that they’d have figured out how to stop making electric vehicles sound like the 1950s film version of a landing spacecraft by now.

I got a phone call using my full government name as a response.

New coastal rivalry just dropped.

Happy Easter

We should bring back “what idiot” jokes. This site needs more whimsy.

I got into the office today to discover that my paralegal left a prank for me in my office yesterday and it is on. Like Donkey Kong.

[Trying to remember the name “Johnny Rotten”] ME: Uhh…

Oh my word, this is just delightful.

Intrepid explorer and the fearsome beastie.

I’m at ICE HQ