I tried to do an impression of a shrew giving a marshmallow a back rub.

I hope this ishmael finds you whale

Combing donkeys is illegal. Sorry, I don’t rake the mules.

Welcome to Bookbinding for Beginners, please make yourself a tome.

wife: how was guarding the two paths today, honey? guard: [looking away] fine wife: did something happen? guard: [tearing up] no wife: would the other guard tell me something happened?

Just how Popey was the Pope today? (From the archives, 2015)

Time to dust off an old classic I guess…

but im a jeep im a vehicle what the hell am i doing here beep beep honk honk steer

jesus christ just tell us if it’s maybelline

Hocus Pocus (1993) follows a villainous comedic trio of witches who are inadvertently resurrected by a teenage boy in Salem, Massachusetts on Halloween night.

Funerals should have a bit where they ask the congregation to speak up if there’s any lawful reason why the dead person shouldn’t be buried

Tony Slattery was an uncageable comic for whom Whose Line..? was built for. A true clown. What a talent.

I owe my sandwich toaster a lot of money, but debtor the breville you know.

Wife: What is this? Me: [covered head to toe in ketchup] Santa Sauce is coming to town Wife: Sean, we've talked about this Me: Happy hollandaise Wife: You promised Me: [shouting at the car as she drives away] …AND MAYO YOUR CHRISTMASES BE W–

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi Wife: He looks nothing like him Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

Getting fired in the Open Office Geodesic Dome, the Hurt Yurt, the Fear Sphere, the Dodecadownsizer

The police said I’d be locked up if I’m caught stealing kitchen utensils again, but I’m willing to take the whisk.

Father Christmas isn’t particularly handsome in rainy weather… But he’s dashing through the snow.

Enid Blyton knew

Back in 2015 I asked my then 3 year old daughter to guess the names of old wrestlers.

Excruciating barber experience please I sold out of this print a while back, wish I'd made more. I think barbers must have been buying it lol

[hunting] “In order to attract the stag, I’ll perform the special call” [clears throat, cups hands round mouth] “GET OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”

Hey baby, I hear the blues a-callin’

Waiter: “Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?” Me: “Yes please” Waiter: [clears throat] “THIS TOWN, AHH AHHH, IS COMIN’ LIKE A GHOST TOWN”

[murder scene] Detective: “So the victim drowned?” Cop: “After suffering a blow to the head” Detective: “What’s he doing?” Me: [trying to draw chalk outline on the river]

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move? Crab: [to HR person] See, this is what I’m talking about.

Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor

optimus prime: did she just wink at me? me: i think she’s turning left

What do rock and roll pandas eat? A wop bop a loo bop a wop bamboo

“What’s this thing?” I call it a ‘knife’ “Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!” Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

Dr: There’s good news and bad news Me: Gimme the bad Dr: We have to amputate both your legs Me: [sobbing] Are you… wearing my crocs? Dr: I see you’ve heard the good news

Every morning I watch a beautiful naked woman across the street with my telescope. [clenches fist] And one day I'll get that telescope back.

Nice holy infant you got there. Would be a real shame if someone were to make it…tender and mild

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions

To the tune of “Follow the Yellow Brick Road”:

[Playing a game of Scrabble against God] God: [puts PLATYPUS] Peter: That's not a word God: Yea it is Peter: What is it then? God: It’s um… [rummaging through a box of animal offcuts] it's a…

"The bond's Name. James Name" Pleased to... what? "Bond Name's the james" Are you alright? "Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

It has been pointed out that today marks the tenth anniversary of the Bondulance tweet. Somebody call one, for I am crumbling into dust.

Me: I’m sorry, my son spilled his drink Waiter: No problem, I’ll just get you another one Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

Job interview tip: Remember, every question is a test so when they say "How are you?" reply "Goal orientated, thank you."

Overheard my therapist say she had some Country Living past issues in her office, but I can't find any.

[my wife, violently shaking me] “You idiot, you drank the liquid from the magic 8 ball again, didn't you?” [my eyes roll back in my head and read: “MOST LIKELY”]

Date: So… [twirling hair] What's your favourite place to have sex? Me: [checking textbook hidden behind my menu] I'd have to say the vagina

Music FACT: Jools Holland's real name is Jewellery The Netherlands.

Do you really: ☑️ like it ⬜️ hate it ⬜️ not fussed Is it, is it: ⬜️ well behaved ☑️ wicked ⬜️ neither We're: ☑️ lovin' it ☑️ lovin' it ☑️ lovin' it We're: ⬜️ not that into it, tbh ⬜️ indifferent ☑️ lovin' it like that

Me: Am I making you saturated? My wife: I wish I'd never bought you that thesaurus

Just taken a polaroid of some dead sheep. Mourn ewes as it develops.

Updated Reindeer names for 2024: Dasher Demure Sigma Cutesy Bussin Mindful Brainrot Bestie Rawdog the Rizz-Nosed Reindeer

My favourite insult

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy [friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?