DELTA AIRLINES CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: I'm sorry, sir, but you just can't bring that on the flight. ME: Look, your policy clearly says I'm allowed to bring carrion luggage if it's less than 22" x 14" x 9" and this dead raccoon is way smaller than that, so what's the problem?

The only way the "HD Vance and Erika Kirk are 1,000% fucking" could possibly be funnier would be for Erika's maiden name to be Davenport

An amazing thing happened to me today: Someone asked me for advice about one of my special interests (bass guitars). And they were fully engaged and interested in what I had to say about it. For autistic people this is like winning the lottery.

Y'all are really on a roll today with the sandwich jokes, huh

CASE GOES COLD, CUTS AGAINST DOJ

Why do we call them malaprops if they don't even have any marshmallas in 'em?

alright I haven't been pushing this like I should be because im really tired, but again, please donate if youre able and share either way. I have a lot of moots with HUGE followers compared to me, if y'all could bump this id appreciate it spot.fund/frwsm1bsc

posted this four months ago but tonight as buckaroos like mamdani sweep elections i will post again. hope this is sign to all establishment goofs that trotting to the center is not the move. protect the buckaroos who are in perilous circumstances and do not give an inch

Maybe it's just the autism talking but if someone is a shitass person in life it's fine and good to remember them that way after they die. If you're talking directly to bereaved loved ones, sure, maybe hold the criticism. But Cheney very publicly sucked and we should say it loud and often in public.

nancy reagan welcoming dick cheney to hell

I checked with my dog, who is the best boy ever, and he confirmed that it's true. They're all the best.

I've been keeping a Dick Cheney death cartoon on standby for years

DELTA AIRLINES CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: I'm sorry, sir, but you just can't bring that on the flight. ME: Look, your policy clearly says I'm allowed to bring carrion luggage if it's less than 22" x 14" x 9" and this dead raccoon is way smaller than that, so what's the problem?

Feeling kind of left out that I don't have anything to vote for today

The news of Dick Cheney's death has put me in a contemplative mood. I'm thinking about things like "is that asshole Jordan Peterson still mostly dead?" and "how much longer before Trump's body dies too?" Anyway, how's your morning?

I would like to wish Dick Cheney a very RIP FUCKO

If Mamdani wins, I will not live in New York City. I also won't live there if he loses, though. I'm in Oregon. I've actually never been to New York.

Alright, before we begin I'd like to address the elephant in the room. Kevin - it's great to see you, we're so glad you could make it. KEVIN THE ELEPHANT: [LOUDLY TRUMPETS]

When we were potty training the Elder Child we had a book called "Oh Crap!" that somehow got coffee spilled on it. We eventually passed the book on to some other parents potty training for the first time but there was a moment of "no, I promise those brown stains aren't what you think they are!"

This right here is why I'm not willing to compromise on support for trans rights. Kids deserve to just be kids. Trans people deserve to just exist without the validity of their existence called into question. Anyone willing to set that aside because it's "unpopular" (no it isn't) has no honor.

My cousin: Don't be mad at me because you took drugs and made your kid autistic. Me: My kid is autistic because I, someone who gags when food feels too weird on my teeth, had sex with a man who knows baseball stats for the last 75 years, and we made a baby. I cannot with these people 😑

Parents of young kids - please be careful trick or treating tonight I found this Dodge RAM 1500 hidden inside a Snickers bar last year Unlike razor blades or Fentanyl massive trucks like this actually do injure or kill a significant number of kids on Halloween

once again posting The Chart

What rumor? They're absolutely fucking. It's just a fact

My name is Ozyhankias, King of the Hill. I sell propane and propane accessories.

Literal perfection. ;) www.youtube.com/shorts/8-lgJ...

The wiper reservoir is filled with tomato sauce, the steering wheel is a dough machine, & the armrests steadily grate mozzarella: every part of the PIZZACAR is designed to crank out delicious piping hot pies as you drive. Best of all: it is absolutely impossible to turn off the pizza-making feature.

Change one letter, ruin a candy Sharties

BREAKING: New report on Zohran Mamdani finds that in a 2017 text message to his friend, he used an apostrophe in the word "it's" even though the context made it clear he meant it in the possessive sense rather than as a contraction of "it is"

Post a perfect album from 1989, a perfect music year

Evergreen

a coke nail but for parmesan cheese

BREAKING: New report on Zohran Mamdani finds that in a 2017 text message to his friend, he used an apostrophe in the word "it's" even though the context made it clear he meant it in the possessive sense rather than as a contraction of "it is"

Oh, so when Zohran Mamdani calls his father's cousin his "aunt," it's fine with you people, but when *I* call Knuckles the Echidna my "biological son" and post Sora-generated videos of me giving birth to him, it's somehow "disgusting"

I woke up with a stiff neck, a pounding headache, and all the news is terrible. Tell me something awesome instead. Fun fact, good news, pet photo, whatever you got that's fun.

What people really mean when they say this kind of shit is "I don't ever encounter women when I go to conventions, and it's definitely not because I'm the world's most unfuckable loser, can't be that."

Reskeet with a Halloween meme you like

Taco Bell ALMOST sponsored what many people consider to be John Coltrane's magnum opus, 1965's A Love Supreme, but the deal fell through at the last minute so they had to quickly rework the original album cover

dear US friends, when a sitting president (re)builds the seat of government, it almost always means the president has no intention of leaving at the end of term. your African friends with decades of experience

I know he (finally) endorsed Mamdani but this is so goddamn silly, even for Jeffries. What is the difference between endorsing someone and articulating your position? It's meaningless!

If you got a 1776 or "We The People" or tattered flag or any other tacky "patriotic" tattoo, and you think Trump demolishing the entire East Wing of the White House is fine, then I'm sorry but you are obligated to remove that ink yourself and I don't mean with a laser

We have an "atmospheric river" coming through this weekend which sounds beautiful and poetic until you realize it just means it's going to rain a lot

Some astrophysicists believe that the Big Bang happened when an adolescent Space Titan threw a colossal pumpkin at the curb, causing it to explode. Don't worry. We have taken away these astrophysicists' car keys and ordered a Lyft to get them home.

“That boy ain’t right, that boy ain’t fair,” cried Mr. Hill, and then they were upon him

The auto glass shop has now postponed my appointment to get the car window replaced twice, because their supplier can't get it to them on time. I don't know why exactly but I'm choosing to blame Trump's tariffs, because that's fucking everything else up so why not

Years ago I came across this video, taken at Bonnaroo in 2012, of D'Angelo's first live performance since 2000 at a SuperJam with the Roots, Pino Palladino, as well as a few musicians from Prince's band. It's absolutely electrifying. RIP to one of the all time greats.

Old Soviet joke: Why do ICE agents travel in groups of three? One can read, one can write, and the third keeps an eye on the two intellectuals

Wait I thought this app was the void we scream in to.