anyway, I’m incredibly exhausted, staying awake for no reason mere feet away from my bed that I own and can go to anytime I want.

I’m glad jimmy kimmel is back but if my choices are between watching an 18min monologue and just going along with the nazis, I’m gonna need a sec to think about it

Dear spiders I don’t kill, You had better start eating these fucking little asshole bitey bugs or our little arrangement is going to change. And make it hurt. Send a message. Go after their families.

regret, pregret, postgret, and just standard gret

O one thing that both upsets me and gives me hope: the feet people there can’t be that many fuckin’ feet people, but by god they are EVERYWHERE. that’s power. weird power.

say, is that a waiter in your soup or are you just tired to see me? (70s era laugh track, nuclear explosion)

I’m honestly shocked they never remade “Manimal.” It was total dogshit, people would love it.

Personally, I have always disliked stuff that sucks. And yet, they keep making it

ok, Tylenol, Tylenol, whatever, what can I get if I take advil every day

man I can not fucken BELIEVE I was left behind for this rapture with literally every one of you people

I am not remotely above enjoying this level of pettiness.

"ok double bounce me to paradise!"

"I would *never* defund the police, but I wouldn't mind...oh...taking some of the...you know 'funds' we were going to give them and...you know...not doing that."

Trump is pronouncing "acetaminophen" the right way. by Ezra Klein

(Literal) TIMELINE CLEANSE: A chameleon washing his hands www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yx_...

ok, nobody got whisked away to heaven, but the bloated corpse of rush limbaugh was just sent back I think they just dumped it over the side, fell all the way here, right onto the pavement. I'm not cleaning this up, btw.

look, the only people who deserved to be whisked away to eternal paradise are everybody who ever performed at a Lilith Fair, and you know it.

sorry you didn't get raptured. I'm sad you're still here too.

if you take enough Tylenol when you’re pregnant, your kid automatically knows karate. not like a black belt, but they’re pretty good for a baby.

I’m not saying I hope everyone gets raptured and I become Burgess Meredith at the library, but I’m not NOT saying it

how many tylenol do I take to get the autism eye beams shooting out of me?

gonna be kind of a bummer if the only reason we avoid becoming the 4th reich is b/c it's bad for business.

I guess I'm slightly buoyed by the fact that ABC is more afraid of losing money than they are losing favor with moron hitler.

A guy on tik tok onside kicks into random things

I'm seeing a lot of people making fun of the rapture people and I'm a little disappointed - I feel like it could be a lot more of you.

holy shit, this is just sad

the biden administration suspecting and proving that homan would take a bribe and then being unprepared to take the next step and just letting him walk away with $50k for doing nothing is so on the nose it just doesnt feel real

"Northern Exposure" it pretty much holds up perfectly, too.

I have never in my 10 years walking the dog in the neighborhood seen a frog. In the past week, we have seen an average of 10 per walk So I am assuming this is one phase of a new series of plagues. And not a moment too soon.

so the FBI set up an operation to give Tom Homan $50,000 in a bag...but they didn't bother with that second part where you're supposed to arrest him? if we ever get out of this, we are really going to have look into our love affair with tapdancing on our own dicks

that mandalorian and grogu logo honestly might be worse than capitulating to fascism.

well, personally I thought having a funnel cake booth and a celebrity dunk tank was in poor taste for a funeral.

the bass clef, maybe

accepting jesus into my heart at the last second just so I can get in and fuck up everybody's rapture.

A TIME OF WHATEVER

white house announces plans to break ground on a brand new sarlaac pit

It’s mostly to do with the midichlorians

new pennyfarthing cross just dropped.

How long can you kiss a puppet before it gets weird

counterpoint: every Trump voter can suck my asshole

In Swedish, a word for what you eat to bridge the gap between meals (or while waiting for the main course to cook) is stödmacka. It means "support sandwich." A similar word in Norwegian is ventepølse, or "waiting sausage."

so like how early on tuesday are they getting raptured? I mean, like, how much of the day are we going to get without them?

Tom Homan took a bag of cash from an undercover FBI agent the right way. by Ezra Klein

signing a waiver that concedes your vacation was cool in exchange for not looking at the photos

Don’t forget to leave milk and cookies out for Earth, Wind & Fire tonight

Canceling Disney+ because they canceled Kimmel is well and good, but if you really want to make them pay attention, there is no better way than fucking Goofy's wife

sex is so stupid. meet me on the field of battle

everything is on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know

Mandy Patinkin. I was mentally prepared for him to be some kind of a diva asshole. But he turned out to be exactly who you wanted him to be.

Same and I am never fucking voting for any creep who panders to racists either