just when I already know the guy sucks, he reaches deep down inside himself and manages to find a little more suck.

The waiter: And what would you like today young man? My two year old:

anyway, if you use the word "bungalow" in any context, just know that I will picture the straw hut where Gilligan and the Skipper lived. thank you for your attention to this matter.

There seems to be a lot of discussion about Gavin Newsom today. I wanted to re-share this piece that I wrote, because I have a lot of center-to-left Dems that follow me that want to understand. There are very good reasons transgender people do not like Gavin Newsom.

I can handle any adversity as long as everything stays exactly the same all the time and nothing bad or annoying happens.

for the first time in my life, pepper made me sneeze tonight. I’ve been waiting for this moment all my life.

I just found A.I. sitting on my couch wearing sweatpants, feeling listless. just replacing the living shit out of me.

My 70 year old dad, whose favorite band is The Righteous Brothers, just informed me that he enjoyed the Bad Bunny show bc even though he didn’t understand the words, “it seemed like everyone on stage was having a good time!” So there ya go lol.

realizing that some people LARP at being alive

Getting older sucks, but being younger also sucked. There’s probably 10 seconds in the middle when everything’s awesome. Pretty sure I was watching TV, so that’s cool.

Hold the fuck up, did they make a “what if the Artful Dodger, but horny?” show? Some of you people need a good hosing.

Of all the “ok boomers” this is the ok boomerists.

DQ just doesn’t taste like whatever DQ evidently tastes like if it’s not cooked on whatever a brazier is supposed to be.

Dairy Queen makes some of the only fast food commercials that look remotely appetizing, and there’s no way it doesn’t taste like a shoe.

When the chips are down to one chip and a bunch of chip shards, do you agonize over when is the correct moment to use the large intact chip as a chip shard shovel or are you normal and also where are you going pls come back

It’s too late for Drafts. I’ve already grown accustomed to what stupid and lazy feels like.

actual lol

I have heard of a no bill but zero votes is new to me

Wile E. Coyote did a cereal bowl sized dose of ketamine

nobody wants to talk about it, but I think ice is just way too slippery to do sports on.

everything should be better. except me. I got a note from my doctor that says I don’t have to be good.

Whale evolution makes me uncomfortable

see, that post right there could have been a Draft

yeah, some of the curling ladies make me want to try and fail to be a better man

I like curling b/c the athletes look sort of upset and miserable in a way I find relatable.

now that we have drafts, I wish I could remember all the stuff I wanted to save when I couldn’t

anyway, some of the curling ladies look exactly like the kind of way-too-alpha women that young man me would have wasted a lot of time pursuing.

I need something delivered in 30min or less. I don’t care what it is, it just has to solve all my problems.

Doctors hate him for this one simple trick (forging their name on phony prescriptions)

not sure that "ok, sure, I brought my children to Epstein Island, but I left with them right after lunch!" is the full self-exoneration he might have been looking for

anyway, I looked at that “see where you are in the bluesky galaxy” fractal diagram and I was out in the “is this douche for real?” quadrant, so I guess it’s pretty accurate

Age Verification? I know what a “busy signal” is.

The Man With The Golden Too Many Accidentally Saved Drafts

Man, the olympic commentators seem bored. “He’s only the fourth man from a generally Scandinavian sort of area to win either a gold, silver, bronze or no medal at all in the last 10 minutes.”

no, no, I’m totally into it, baby (tries heroically to ignore the walrus gumboot in the room)

anyway, I’m not saying things would instantly be better if we shot down every single private plane right after takeoff. I am not saying that.

she’s a 10 but she got toe jam football

My boss, who used to be SpecOps, told a story and sort of half mentioned that if you step on a land mine, you put on a tourniquet and jump really hard. YOU PUT ON A TOURNIQUET FIRST. ‘ Like, ok, I’m prolly gonna bleed out, but MAYBE IF I’M CAREFUL….

anyway, there’s this band of small teen children, the Graystones, playing medium hits of the 70s and oh my god you guys it’s so fucking cool HOLY SHIT I AM SO OLD

classic rookie mistake:

anyway, yelling at the apple TV for glitching out is enhanced quite a bit by my theatre training.

wait, they cheated and they still got their asses handed to them, like, 25 to 1??

it’s not fair that Norway is winning all these gold medals, half these events are just how they commute to work

incredibly touching moment during the TPUSA show when kid rock walked up to a five year old boy and kicked him in the back

ok, superbowl’s done, that means it’s officially the next christmas season

“It was a really easy game. I just want to thank god for making the other team so much worse than we are.”

“No one believed in me. I’m so mad at my family, my teammates and most of all I’m so mad at god for not helping me win.”