I was raised never to tell people what I think, but to judge them silently and pretend you aren’t thinking about anything in particular if anybody asks

it has to feel weird to be the president, but also no one gives a fuck about a single word you say, not even your supporters

miss puppycat is all strung out, riding the white horse• •zyrtec for her allergies

“whoo, yikes. no thank you.” -the exploding diarrhea parasite when it saw what I ate today

anything that sucks, I just say “it’s A.I.” even if it’s me. especially if it’s me. I’m A.I. this post is A.I.

my new hobby is finding out im wrong about everything i say 5-10 hrs after i say it

so, have we named the diarrhea parasite RFK III yet, or are we fucking this whole thing up?

I hate that every video is A.I. or if it isn't it sucks or it's great and I suck, one of those

got the cyclospora variant that gives you explosive turds. beefy, dense logs that launch with the violence of a potato cannon

When you ask your kid for a poop joke so you can get clicks on Bluesky.

good job, the bros

sorry I don't follow you, but we'll always have all the times I've seen you scold people about dumb jokes

I was kind of on the fence about lettuce already

told my 5 year old she was beautiful and she said "I not beautiful. I scared."

so just to recap... don't eat the food, don't breathe the air, don't leave your home

AAAAAAAAAA youtu.be/qTRXOnbuJVM?...

(taps the fabric of reality) is this thing on

we need freedom and explosive diarrhea is just the quickest way to get it

My coworkers are like family to me. We don’t enjoy spending time together or have much in common

I am not, never have been, and never will be, "here for it."

Poor sweet puppykat had an experience you and I can only dream of* *it involved getting a certain part of her “expressed” fuckin YIKES

couldn't think of the word 'charcuterie' so I said 'meat group'

a very nice guy I work with sent me something that took me about 5hrs yesterday. today, he very nicely told me that he had rushed and fucked up a third of it, and I will now have to redo it

just opened a word doc and it said "Welcome Back!" like I'm a regular at a private club where the door ppl have to act like you're a big deal felt good. I'll have the usual soul-crushing drudgery, thanks, Jimmy.

gonna start talking like this to my boss

Gus Bourbon

anyway, I saw a show where 2 ppl were in a romantic hot tub filled with rose petals and oh my god it looked so fucking gross

Wife: We really have to start eating right Me: [trying to eat chow mein with a stapler]

are young people today aware that there was an active effort 20-25 years ago to stop depicting smoking as cool and glamorous because people got tired of watching their loved ones die of cancer and heart disease from something preventable? seems like classic history repeating itself stuff

I genuinely hate the push to make smoking a thing again. I have watched so many drawn out, ugly, painful deaths from smoking. It makes everything disgusting. It enslaves us to the worst kinds of corporations. There’s ZERO positive here.

ripped the heart out of an armored Beast and now im stronger

anatomy of a dogsneeze

I wonder who is the most famous person alive who has had a bout of the recent explosive diarrhea epidemic? is it billy joel? you can tell me, you won’t be in trouble if it’s billy joel.

eh, shut your stupid noise hole

even if this wasn’t a lie (and it is one) it really doesn’t matter what you own baggies of. it really doesn’t. they can’t fucking kill you b/c of what’s in a baggie. but again, this is a lie

no way, I’m not watching that stupid fucking show, I’m too busy watching this way worse show

I wish I was on a perfectly nice vacation that I hated and couldn’t wait to get home from

Liz took Perla to a dog park, and Perla mostly ignored all the other dogs to go get scritches and pets from the humans. clever girl.

I want them to invent a way that I can beat Excel with a hammer

anyway, no, I'm not 'built different' but I have done a lot of slow destructive modifications that should probably be taken into account

Fine, I'll do it. But I'm not gonna like it. Or do it.

I like seeing senators yell at bad people as much as the next guy. but we're enough years into this that we KNOW it's all so performative, they might as well all line up to shake hands after and go "good game, good game, good game..."

and he insists that Arthur must make his daughter happy

alternate view

Not sure how this is comfortable but ok

I’m calling it now, whether this passes or not, I am going to be livid about it

ok, I’m interested, keep talking…

Y'all, we just need the data centers to run on explosive diarrhea. Do I have to think of every damn thaaaang???!!!

I can’t read any more about the Dems. I just can’t. aside from seeing their texts and responding “LOL FUCK OFF FOREVER” I just can’t.

how can they suck this bad? even by accident, you’d think they’d do something better than this once in a while.