tfw Liz just sang "Phantom of the O-Perla" to you and then left for work...

um, the real question is, why aren't YOU out there denying that you knew Jeffrey Epstein? WHAT ARE YOU ALL HIDING

anyway, the new ticketing system at my job: -doesn't send you an email when there's something that requires your attention, BUT -DOES send you emails on things that are complete, and have nothing to do with you.

starbucks barista: good m- melania: allow me to set the record clear, i am absolutely not a friend of jeffrey epstein. i would not call him a friend. i spend several pages of my book, Melania, not calling him a friend, or anything at all.

real long shot here but if you have any idea why melania is suddenly talking about epstein, reach me on signal at marisakabas.04 anonymity fully protected

well...ok...

our poor floofy dog had an incredibly long and traumatic deshed today. she has been betrayed by unrealistic beauty standards and the fact that she was born with a natural snowsuit that comes off twice a year

We must become the play doh fun factory we wish to see in the world

"don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining" -guy who doesn't mind being sprayed with your horrible piss but objects to dishonesty

Chuck Schumer: ‘The American People Deserve A President Who Can More Credibly Justify War With Iran’ https://theonion.com/chuck-schumer-the-american-people-deserve-a-president-1835697625/

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER

Listen, do I have a least favorite spoon? Yes. But! If, through sheer bad luck, I should happen to select that bad spoon from the drawer, will I act like a baby, put it back, and pick some other spoon? Also yes.

I kind of love that the “teleport to Waffle House” guy, when confronted about how fucking stupid that is, just sort of shrugs and goes “eh, agree to disagree.”

on one hand, I don’t give a fuck if they threatened a pope. but on the other hand I also don’t care about it. fuck ALL these weirdos.

I am so tired of not teleporting to waffle house

I practically went to the moon last month and everybody acted like it was no big deal

loch ness monsters are taking all our jobs (I am a single issue voter and this is it)

take a probiotic you piece of shit, your gut biome is a joke

🎼my future's at a brightness level that shades are no longer necessary🎶

no, I heard they really made her small

we clipped many toe nails. much hair was combed.

I’m sorry I was offline did I miss the nuclear war

Slutty Nuclear Threats In Your Area

if it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were done quickly

anyway, I just burst out laughing picturing a guy who, today, decided "you know what, I'm doing it. I'm going to take karate"

we should probably do slightly better than this or wait hold on now, how about we do exactly the same, yeah that's good we'll just keep going like this, ok, maybe a little worse, fine, you talked me into it

imagine coming on here today of all days and spending all your time arguing with strangers in defense of Chuck Fucking Schumer

I know there's a lot going on, but when my wife found out the neighbor dog was a boy named DeeDee, she told our dog, "I don't want to see you out there *soakin' it* with DeeDee" I just thought you should know

nobody better tell her what the world's like outside our house

God, I love her so much. Just banger after bager. She's in it purely for the love of the game and I respect that.

starting a nuclear holocaust is really going to hurt him with certain demographics during the midterms

I gotta be real with y'all, I don't want to hear one single solitary fucking syllable about the 25th amendment from the party that can't even be arsed to deny this administration unanimous consent and couldn't find an article of impeachment if it bit them straight in the hoohahs.

anyway, look at this fine girl, what a good dog she would be

I'm sure chuck schumer is drafting a non-binding suggestion that if a president starts a nuclear war he has to provide us with a receipt for the missiles

the one good thing about nuclear war is, if it happens, it's really not my fault. I don't mind being vaporized, I just don't like being yelled at.

dissociation is first and foremost a survival tool

you have to get him out of office and you have to do it today even if it gets blocked you force an impeachment vote right now how else can you live with yourself if he follows through with this and you didn’t do everything you could to stop it

Armageddon is terrible, but our only other option was diversity trainings at work.

it's really so beside the point by now, but i cannot believe people gave this psychotic motherfucker a second chance.

My favourite variant of “people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones” is a colloquial (and extremely rare) Swedish phrase that goes kasta inte bäver i trähus. It means “do not throw beavers in wooden houses.”

jesus rollerskating christ can we all get a fucking grip

my wife pointed out the upside to UConn losing the championship is that we don't have to maybe find out that the team would accept an invitation to the fucking white house

going to feel very normal about this all day at work

look I’m just glad we bought the moon

ME (an astronaut flying further from the earth than anyone in history) further, come on, hit the fucking gas

how i was looking in that earth photo

our husky just STOMPED on my nuts I’m hoping this bodes well for the championship game

I have opinions you guys would light me on fire for

anyway, I can't wait until my entire Starfield mod list breaks into a million pieces tomorrow.

listen it doesn't work you just have to use it