My friend Jeff, everyone. Seconding the fuck outta this.

I love how the fascists keep insisting that Bill Clinton is on the list, and we keep telling them we don’t care. Ain’t nobody trying to stand between you and Bill Clinton. Pack them all up.

he's pretty fucking horrible even without the Epstein Files, actually

I always suspected that electing a stupid corrupt bigoted pedophile would turn out to have some kind of a downside.

I often have multiple emergency meetings about things that really don't bother me at all because I'm totally innocent.

the concept of informing the family group chat they voted for a pedophile twice so groceries could be cheaper but now everything’s expensive no one has a job and other countries won’t send us mail.

ok can I say something but nobody can yell at me for it?

you know, when I saw the first 1,082 pieces of ironclad evidence that the president was a pedophile over the course of several decades, I was of course skeptical. but now...

on top of everything else, he is just such trash

Starfield is a game about loneliness and isolation that teaches you that one can harness incredible power through self-reliance, broken connections, dogged determination. That’s why most people hate it so much, but also why it makes some unseen people feel seen.

when every other person on social media saw the aurora borealis but you

no, I didn’t see any “northern lights.” I did a little something called “watching television” ever heard of it?

hokay, that is too many emojis in that profile header, cowgirl

“Is Neo The One?” “Ermmm, I mean, who else are you gonna get at this point?”

They quit making pennies so now I have to beat people with a sock full of nickels. Damn inflation

anyway my boss was making a point and he said, "It reminds me of that movie...um..." and then he paused to think before giving any more context. one of my coworkers shouted out "Look Who's Talking Too"

the point is, we need to tax people down to a level where their net worth doesn't make everybody tell stupid people that their ideas are brilliant

as always, this is just what happens when a guy has so much money that no one is allowed to go... "that is the dumbest fucking idea I have ever heard. don't say that again. don't speak for one calendar year" ...in meetings.

this is the kind of nonsense that comes out of a ponzi scheme guy's mouth when you tell him you want to cash out

it seems like the timeline consistency problems in the Bond films could all be solved by realizing that no one gives a shit

I like the part in the three little pigs where they build the brick house, and they're finally safe, and then a couple of the pigs make a deal with the wolf to let him do whatever he wants.

want to feel old? Mamdani was elected exactly one thousand years ago

hey, they should invent a mortgage that lasts until the day you die and you never own the place no matter how much you pay

1,000 year mortgage or GTFO

anyway, I have an idea for a new kind of toaster where you tell it how light or dark you want the toast and then it sets it on fire immediately.

even chuck schumer’s imaginary friends are like “ah, fuck that guy”

anyway, I just want there to be a thing in the constitution where you can have a vote to make a senator poor for life

just saw a commercial for insurance that said “only pay for what you need” which is the literal definition of what insurance is not like

anyway, “why did I put my glass down on my phone like it’s a coaster: a memoir” is going to be a big, big hit.

I like it when they go WE WILL NEVER STOP FIGHTING FOR YOU in the exact moment that they are stopping fighting for me

anyway, in "point of no return" (1993) when she's holding Gabriel Byrne at gunpoint and he's going "don't worry, everything's fine" and she goes "BULLSHIT, EVERYTHING'S FUCKED" I felt that.

Hell is empty. All the devils crave some attention.

today I was kind of a dick via email to some work clients who deserved it, please clap

this actually made me laugh

see, the way the Senate works is you get rich and your voters all get fucked

We need to move away from the language of saying that Democrats haven't learned anything since {some past thing from 80 to today} That is still framing them and politics in a way that they have never actually acted from. Tighten up that passive language. These are not small beans with no autonomy.

People will admit anything online

hey, look guys -- Fetterman said a thing we can all agree on.

I was raised never to judge a politician unless I'd groveled a mile on their knees

bull shit like this is why dems lose on “masculinity” by the way

hey, name ONE time Nate Silver has been wrong before. whoa, whoa, fucking whoa I said ONE! (parkour diverolls to avoid avalanche of times of wrongness)

anyway, what's so wrong about clowns in sewers?

don't worry, everybody. now we'll see if trump's GOP will keep their promises. gosh, the suspense is killing me.

I almost hope I get a Dem fundraising text today.

I can empathize with the Dems. Sometimes I don't feel like doing shit at my job either.

It really does seem like there's a decent chance that these senators screwed us because they don't want their personal Thanksgiving plans to be disrupted.

wait, they're inventing a 50 year mortgage? seems like a pretty expensive way to never ever own a house

Anyone know how much you have to bribe a medical examiner to fill your abdominal cavity with popcorn before shipping your body off to the crematorium?