thanksgiving is a vibe!

Because 98% of shootings have been by men, only women should have the right to bear arms. The only way to get around this as a man is to trans yourself into a woman.

Dying at Review Brah wondering why the Baja Blast pie that *he himself just turned upside down in the box in order to read the back* looks all smashed up

1 beer is actually equivalent to 6 beers

I love the stuff people will just post online, for free, of their own free will, with no gun to their head

Going into victory formation at the grocery store

if democrats are serious about winning they need to learn from tonight and convert to islam

can we all at least agree that no one should ever be criticized for any reason

[army recruitment ad voice] breakfast is calling. will you answer ?

Improv people love it when they ask you for a topic, any topic, and you bring up your uncle’s circumcision

The CDC recommends blowing smoke in your toddler’s face

People are getting upset that there’s now gonna be a counter Super Bowl halftime show that involves faith and prayer. Show a little gumption libtards, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Pray along with me: 🙏 Dear god, please kill the Philadelphia Eagles. Amen. 🙏

Saw protests breaking out on the street, dozens if not hundreds, all celebrating the untimely death of Jane Goodall. Disgusting.

Applying to be the spectre of death

what a week, huh?

(explaining god to a bug) imagine a really big bug

It’s coming

smoking that shit that makes you feel like the elvis bowling ball (no holes)

Honestly more infants need Botox

We’ve recently learned the Rizzler now has off-brand imitators. Looking to acquire one for sponsorship

For good luck, instead of saying “break a leg”, suicide bombers say “tear a wrist”

Water no longer conducts electricity.

Rare items should be ubiquitous and easy to find imo

Autozone is pro piss-jug, just to be clear

My mid-life crisis is going to involve buying at least one of these guys

Juneteenth? What do I have to be Juneful for?

We need a guy who’s like the Joker but even crazier

Teaching my goldfish how to walk the same way you teach babies how to swim, just putting em out there until they figure it out

i have decided to 'live by the coin'

I want to catch a frisbee with my mouth once, just to see what I’m missing

Galadriel didn’t have to do all that yelling fr

🤼Time for more little man sumo. Watch all 214lbs of Enho single leg (ashitori) Abi, a man with his own ZIP code.

Having a cold pint of ivermectin with the boys

Starting a class action lawsuit for everyone that has been victimized by a leg press making them fart

The Air Budd Dwyer movie was dark

let us ritualistically humiliate another online rando who we can hold up as a localized embodiment of the world's ills

my uber driver LUIS is almost here with my sandwich that i’m gonna eat at the pool because this 4/20 is about the ones that matter most. me.

I heard pope Francis overdosed on a homemade gravity bong

I’d like to throw my hat in the ring for pope. It’s all about the headwear. *smugly gets 20 gallon cowboy hat*

People will be on a platform for 6 months and have 62,000 posts already. You’re using your words wrong, go sing or something

Emojis are the jangling keys of written word

The Boomers yearn for their lead paint

A recession can’t be that bad, it literally has the word recess in it

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, but an eye for an eye and like two fingers…buddy ain’t starting shit anymore

instagram comments make sense when you realize everyone is either 1 romantic rejection away from committing a mass shooting or has had their brain replaced by one of those aquarium treasure chests that blow out air bubbles

India doesn’t deserve international recognition or representation until they divest their currency from Hyrule and the treacherous King Ganondorf

Just a vibes country through and through

I saw the bus advertising Seinfeld, which by my count, ended 27 years ago