my religion is that i'd like to believe when you die you have to actually Hear Yourself and then the damned will crawl into Hell of their own free will

Nobody watches TV, everyone's got ad blockers, nobody shows up for the trailers in theaters anymore, literally the only way to make the public aware of your movie's existence is make your lead actor physically torture themselves with hot wings.

Waffle Crisp losing in the first round to fucking CORN FLAKES warrants a corruption investigation.

People will be like "I'm just doing it for the plot 😘 ✌️lol" and then have a nervous breakdown when the plot thickens.

The only way to go through life without ever feeling bad about yourself is to surround yourself with shitty people. If you want to fill your life with decency and kindness you have to sometimes feel bad for not showing decency in turn.

You gotta give it the hell up for Dan Aykroyd for being the last alien/ghost/cryptozoology guy who isn't also a Qanon freak. It's a dying breed!

It’s so important to not let yourself become bitter or disheartened or cynical. To not let the news of the world break your spirit. Because I’m already doing that. It’s my thing. Find your own, stop copying me.

Someone else shared this. Various comments Kirk has made.

You stay to the end of the credits to catch a teaser for the sequel. I stay to the end of the credits to listen to the movie score in surround sound. We are not the same.

General rule of thumb is that if someone refers to women as "girls" then you can ignore every opinion they have about dating and relationships.

I don't know what musician needs to hear this but don't date your bandmate

Andrew Jackson's

Don't know what 20-something needs yo hear this, but you re not going to "get in trouble" because thats not something adults have to worry about unless its ur boss or the Law. Of ur putting off going to the dentist because ull "get in trouble" for not flossing, good news thats not a thing.

every relationship has a spreadsheet maker and someone who never looks at the spreadsheets

I went here and they said that you were their chief

Heartfelt Apology Robs Man Of Cherished Grudge theonion.com/heartfe...

It breaks my heart to say that the most obvious fictional Trump voter is psychic detective Shawn Spencer. He's a GenX white manchild who thinks the greatest crime is when people don't like his racist/sexist jokes, he would absolutely celebrate Trump "making comedy legal again."

I don't know who needs to hear this but that mid-2000s movie wasn't good, you were just 13 and horny.

a lot of urban housing discourse makes a lot more sense when you realize that, even if they’ve since learned more sophisticated urban understanding, a lot of people started with “gentrification is when trendiness happens”

The physical abuse of children is as central to *and inherent in* right-wing politics as tax breaks for billionaires and racism.

This remains evergreen.

I'm against corporal punishment against all children except Louise Belcher.

It is an outright rejection of accountability as virtue and we should understand it as such

Guilt is a part of life. It's a good thing. It's how we become better people. Feeling guilt means you're not a psychopath. But some people romanticize living guilt-free so much as some form of bold enlightenment that they can't not see feeling guilt as a wrong someone is doing to them.

I am objectively correct

More people should do this tbh. We all have free will and none of this is real, you can just not care about an episode of a show if you don't like it.

Look if you're going to be edgy can you at least not be so eurocentric about it?

The populace believes System Y is 10x more generous than it really is, should be toned down to being 3x more generous than reality. Fill in Y with whatever is being railed against today

Voice actors for fps protagonists saying "trans rights" in their character voices is my new favorite micro-genre

There are 2 core demos behind Door Dash Discourse: 1) 20 somethings whose parents shielded them from the basic realities of grocery shopping and meal prepping; and 2) UMC trust fund kiddies lying about their progressivism, who are mostly just angry that their servants cost a little more.

the core problem with "just triangulate" is that polling shows Harris won "voters who knew what the fuck was going on", which pretty directly implies that you cannot fix whatever problems we have by changing facts. the problem is people who don't know facts.

Writers writing protagonists that they clearly hate was the original "making up a guy to get mad at"

When someone points out a plot hole you've never noticed before in a movie you've loved for years

Pretty sure 6 is still the best Mission Impossible, but 8 is now the most movie I have ever seen within a single movie. What an incredible amount of movie

Mission: Impossible - Final Reckoning hilariously drives home how much NOBODY wants to remember Mission: Impossible 2, there's references and callbacks out the ass for literally every movie except that one lol

Update: there are 40,320 possible ways to rank the Mission: Impossible movies and you can find someone online defending every single one of them.

Is it a bad sign if a girl does bits during sex

If someone has ever commented or quote-tweeted with some variation of "this is the level of pettiness I aspire to" 🚩🚩🚩

man, really bad week for replacements of iconic deceased drummers, between this and the Foos

Its a running gag that drummers are replaceable but there's so many examples of bands crashing out and not being able to continue after their lose their drummer. Zeppelin breaking up after Bonham's death, the Beatles when Ringo left, amd Grohl is clearly struggling with losing Hawkins.

There are 5,040 possible ways to rank the Mission: Impossible movies and you can find someone online defending every single one of them.

They’re Black Númenóreans. Kings who want to be gods, blessed with longer lives than lower-born men but obsessed with immortality.