The haters are saying I won’t get carne asada nachos from the taco truck on my way home.

One of my favorite nights on peak Twitter was when that radio station (I think in LA?) was doing a format change and played Hot in Herre on repeat for 24 hours straight.

You ever think about that?

The Salvation Army are a hate group. Do not forget that this winter.

But the democrats are trying to be the west wing in a veep world

Everything that actually made America great is being destroyed

yall wanna see a dead body?

I am sincerely, on every level, the exact audience for this - a basic white bitch who loves Christmas at both Starbucks AND Target in the most bougie suburban mom-coded way - but they will not be seeing my money for this smug little anti-woke collab

This will be the highest anyone addressing the UN has been since JFK.

The moment I realized that it doesn’t matter what conservatives and republicans say anymore was when Trump said John McCain wasn’t a war hero because he got captured. At any point in US electoral history that would have been the end of his campaign and the end of him as a public figure.

What we really need is fewer dumb people (derogatory) and more dumb people (complimentary).

women are always saying “lord grant me the confidence of a mediocre man.” ok well he did. now what. is the world a better place? look at what you’ve wrought.

Look. I want to be this stupid over somebody too. I want to write sophomore year overwrought hacky bullshit about someone. But it’s perfectly ok to keep it to yourself or maybe with the other person. Preferable even. This shit is none of our business.

I know some connoisseurs of this genre follow me, please help my friend out (or his friend)

TIL that brain worms can be transmitted by sexting. Be careful out there.

That was the entire point of #metoo. That one woman wasn't even enough. That a man had to derail the careers of dozens before people started saying "oh yeah maybe we shouldn't let him ruin the careers of so many people."

🎶 took a job, thought it was grand Got commissioned found out first hand Went well for a day or two Then it all came unglued In a trap, trip i can’t grab Never thought I’d be the one who’d slip Then I started to realize I was livin, one big lie they fuckin hate me Trust, they fuckin hate me 🎶

It’s transgender awareness week, so if you weren’t already aware, you are transgender

I’m going to commit crimes. When my kids are done with HS and their college is paid for I am going to commit crimes.

Jesus was a Jewish zealot whose sole mission of restoring Jerusalem to Jewish rule and expelling the Roman influence of the temple was perverted into something else to initiate a religious movement he did not believe in. Walter Camp?

It perfectly encapsulates my relationship with sports lmao

I just learned of the oregon whale but I am INVESTED

i am so sad about the beached whale in yachats :( as of an hour ago it's still alive. there's a billion people down there in wetsuits doing a bucket brigade, they've got coffee and food donated. the marine biologist can get there in 2 hours but high tide isn't until 9. hang on big buddy!

Never forget that just a week ago, Ross Douthat and the NYTimes were asking if women ruined the workplace.

a notable thing here is that Jin is about as powerful and privileged as you can be - first-tier Chinese aristocracy, basically, super-connected - and that still didn't prevent her from being harassed by Summers

And in your workplace and in the company that sells your company their payroll software and uniforms and light bulbs and toilet paper and CRM and

It would be so great to start the show trials with a democrat

what perfect album came out the year you turned 16?

Fuckin A, man

I knew it was a hoax! We real patriots never lost faith that the president sucked off some other guy 🫡 🇺🇸

Lolololololol

Well shit

One of the best characters in TV history

hey man, let me help you out here with a little tip in the form of jingle *you don't win friends with salad voice* you don't EVER fuck your students! you don't EVER fuck your students

I wish there were a way to buy a product and let them know that you did it because they paid to sponsor an ad free episode of a show you’re streaming.

I'm sorry for Jason Myers and the Seahawks fans in my life but also I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to bring up one of my favorite answers ever given to a Talk About question.

Since men’s facial hair fads are always just recycling whatever seems most cringe now from the past I think I’m going to get a head start and grow a soul patch

looking for my friends in a crowded bar when carly rae comes on

epstein emails released and everyone coming out as a pedophile to defend donald trump

legit thought from the picture this was about quantum breakfast sausage but its unbelievably even cooler than that

For fucking real

Just remembered that my grandparents didn’t say they shopped somewhere, they said they “trade with them.” Like if someone at a store made them mad they’d say “I don’t trade with them anymore.” Was that just an East Texas thing?

Tina Turner:

I’m not going to go pour over electoral maps to see if this is realistic but it would be really funny if Texas spread their “safe” districts too thin and republicans lost seats in congress.

It’s time to look inward and prove what I’m made of. Real champions dig deep 😤🫡

Goddamn!!!

Ok

Remember when SZA came out during the Super Bowl halftime show? I think about that sometimes.

It’s probably for the best because of what it does to me and the decisions I make, but I don’t think I can be smitten anymore and that kinda sucks.