Pam Bondi is what happens when The Babadook fucks the Mom from Heriditary

Me: [appearing in the eaten at Taco Bell files 38,000 times] that doesn't mean anything

Contestant: all my children died in a fire and im doing this for their memory Mr Beast: [otherworldly grinning] oh man that sucks

[me, chunking my third straight drive 60 yards into the screen at my club fitting]: this feels good [20 year-old sales kid looking at tiktok on his phone the whole time]: you look REALLY good man

With the invasion of Venezuela and subsequent seizure of their oil reserves, it is entirely plausible that Donald Trump is in every paragraph of the Epstein Files.

I literally forgot about this app about 8 months ago. And then I got a flyer in the mail for Chinese restaurant called Blue Sky and then I was like oh ya, what ever became of that other app what was it called again blue something or other. Anyway, X is awful

I kind of actually feel bad for Vladimir Putin, because he has to remember the names of so many new American co-workers

If you're blowing a gigantic alphorn in your profile pic you'd better be funny so help me jesus

Trump voters finding out that it is, in fact, THEM who pay the tariffs

@rubdirtinit.bsky.social when is the draft

Wayne Gretzky is of Ukrainian descent. Yet he has chosen to cozy up to Trump who is ready to hand Ukraine over to Russia. Wayne Gretzky can fuck all the way off.

the sun will come out tomorrow & other bullshit happy people tell you

if you regret your voting choices already, that's great. drink bleach.

Dry January but it’s just my skin

Hitler: *does Nazi salute* MAGA: HES AUTISTIC

My stock broker told me to engage in more risky ventures so I went home and told my wife to relax

“I’ll stop drinking if you let me run the Pentagon” is maybe the most alcoholic thing anyone has ever said

My family tryna stop me from asking the waitress if she's working hard or hardly working

Christmas is so much prettier when you have an ✨astigmatism✨ 🤷🏻‍♀️

A pringles tube but for donuts

doctor: your blood glucose is over 800 cookie monster: is that bad doctor: sir it's deadly Cookie Monster: (softly) me want cookie

this just makes me want to smork even more

Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring Mary: thats ok Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too Mary: :) Jesus: [sleeping] Little Drummer boy: gonna bang TF outta these drums Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to christ

Eating toffee is pushups for your face

Showed my 7 year-old an Etch-a-sketch and said this is what Daddy played with growing up and this little angel asked me if it was a 'caveman iPad' and I am still in absolute shambles

What rhymes with 'riddance'? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.

Sorry I said your baby looked like Voldemort.

Some pundits would argue that we, as a species, reached our lowest point electing Donald Trump to office AGAIN. However, I would argue we reached the bottom years ago when we let Train get away with saying "im so gangster im so thug"

I was at a Starbucks and 'Mr. Brightside' came on and the barista leaned in and whispered "I hate this song" and the manager walked over and put his hand on the dudes shoulder, then took him out back and shot him..he fucking shot him and everyone in the store cheered.

The serenity prayer is way too long. God grant me the breakfast

I was at a Starbucks and 'Mr. Brightside' came on and the barista leaned in and whispered "I hate this song" and the manager walked over and put his hand on the dudes shoulder, then took him out back and shot him..he fucking shot him and everyone in the store cheered.

Fool me once, shame on you Fool me twice, shame on me Fool me three or more times and you're my grandpa and you've got my nose once again

Electing and appointing a grotesque cabal of pederasts and rapists is a diabolical way to own the libs

Good job America on electing the actual fucking Hamburglar

A clean sweep for Putin.

Trump gonna put Scrooge McDuck in charge of the national gold reserves

Just finished The Penguin and honestly; JUSTICE FOR VICTOR AGUILAR

The Irishman but it's Just Robert DeNiro peeling some potatoes for a stew, while he quietly sips a few fingers of Jameson. The Cranberries are on faintly in the background. It's raining out. Father Pat is out walking his dog. Probably a few Hail Mary's before bed time.

WELL LOOK WHO CAME CRAWLING BACK TO BLUESKY. (It's me, i crawled back)

WELL LOOK WHO CAME CRAWLING BACK TO BLUESKY. (It's me, i crawled back)

Showed my 7 year-old an Etch-a-sketch and said this is what Daddy played with growing up and this little angel asked me if it was a 'caveman iPad' and I am still in absolute shambles

My only successful game of just the tip was a fork in an outlet

[Alicia Keys voice] LETS HEAR IT FOR CURED POOOOORK

The Irishman but it's Just Robert DeNiro peeling some potatoes for a stew, while he quietly sips a few fingers of Jameson. The Cranberries are on faintly in the background. It's raining out. Father Pat is out walking his dog. Probably a few Hail Mary's before bed time.

Hello. I have no idea what to do here! Do I post about my job? Recipes? Napoleon? I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO