Date’s not even over and she’s putting on something more comfortable? Rude.

"A wizard is never late." "Your reservation was for 7:45. You ARE late." "... come on, man."

The John Wick series is so effective because it fully embodies the three major tenets of dumb guy fantasy: 1. being able to kick anyone’s ass, 2. living by a code of honor, and 3. paying for things with gold coins

can't seem to get used to watching some random youtube video where the person has the veneer of attempted professionalism, but then they string together absolute dogshit english. when a native speaker talks into their microphone on their camera, i can't help but expect coherent sentences.

WE SHOULDN'T BE TALKING ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE

i still think about that guy in borat who charges immigrants to teach them how to go "...NOT"

amazing how many Palestinian refugee families create bluesky counts at the exact same time

halle berry is attractive and i don't care who disagrees. no one does, but, y'know, if they did.

i swear my wife is incapable of answering a question without first trying to interpret what I'm REALLY asking.

they’re saying he’s the fastest person to skip an ad ever,

at this rate I'm never going to defuse a bomb to save the city with only seconds to spare

this is why you should *never* hit someone with an rpg. it’s dangerous, it’s shitty, and it’s wrong

i would walk 500 miles and i would walk 500 more you know there's a quicker way to say that

left populists are like "we're gonna redistribute wealth from the billionaires to poor people and provide healthcare to everyone." rights populist are all "if you know the difference between arepas and empanadas we'll kill your whole family. amen."

why are super pacs so obsessed with spending millions and millions of dollars on political campaigns? don't they know they could just buy drugs and have a good time?

okay, this is maybe the best idea I've ever had. next protest, make a bunch of signs with handles that are just a drawing of this ...

when he dies, it's mardi gras rules

a liberal comedian (1) once told a story about a pinball rivalry he had with another standup (2) who was extremely conservative. when 1 was about to beat 2s long-held high score on a particular machine, 2 clapped his hands over the levers so 1 lost. 1 got mad, "Why'd you do that?" 2, "I win."

I'm starting to think they don't care about your strongly-worded statements.

yeah I'm islamophobic, but I'm also christophobic and abrahamophobic and, to a lesser extent, brahmiphobic

went to high school with a guy who was like 6'5" and the funniest, nicest guy who also followed the rules and tried to keep everything around him copacetic. when he said he wanted to be a cop, i was like "that's perfect, he'd be the best cop." he lasted a few years but couldn't tolerate the abuses.

if christian bale was so obsessed with becoming a better magician then why was he still clinking rings together like a dumbass

forgiveness in its flop era. you don't see many extolling the virtues of forgiveness these days. rare to see an accepted public apology. so unaccepted are the public apologies that there is often an apology for the unacceptable apology. what does it all mean? I don't know, sorry

If you have a perfect body and you only want to date people with perfect bodies, that's your divine right. If you don't have a perfect body and you find yourself only attracted to perfect bodies, you need to deal with that issue immediately.

if christian bale was so obsessed with becoming a better magician then why was he still clinking rings together like a dumbass

my mom reacted to the charles kirkman murder like it was a national tragedy, made all the worse by the fact he had two young children. when i was upset about sandy hook she asked me why i would let it bother me so much. their morality is just BUSTED. they can't see the world.

Just saw some ice skating and I feel like a lot of it is just showing off.

my life has mostly been a performance on behalf of an audience of one. alone at home, unloading groceries, i begin to sing, to the tune of Santa Clause is Coming to Town: 🎵 you better not fart you better not shit 🎵 and then some hearty laughter. you did it again, you modern-day oscar wilde

there is no piece of evidence on this earth that would make me believe that noah wyle isn't an actual doctor

it is your DUTY as a parent to be basic and cringe. if your child says "6-7" and you do not say, loud enough for their friends to hear, "8-9?", causing profound silence and intense discomfort, you are neglecting your responsibilities. being cool is for kids. your days of being laughed WITH are over

(starting a constructive dialogue) Listen dumbass,

when nighttime falls, i make that toaster oven sing

billionaires cannot conceptualize struggling to afford things you actually need

I'd prefer it were not the case that every time I come across the word "expert" I think "expert more like sexpert"

smoking on that shit that made old acquaintance be forgot

every one of these stranger things characters is a few short years away from getting into the spin doctors

I never remember to lotion my hands until it’s too late. Every winter I’m walking around with bloody knuckles like some kind of leprous wastrel. I think I’d use lotion more if I could like, feel it working. I need a more powerful lotion. The fentanyl of lotion

If you can be honest with yourself, you'll see how many of the best days of your life involved hot dogs.

it wasn't that long ago that striped tshirts blew everyone's fuckin mind

for christmas lunch i lost my grip on a giant casserole and made the biggest fucking mess you've ever goddamn seen

It was just locker room sex trafficking

shouldn't the significance of sacrificing your only begotten son be compromised by the fact that he can just come back from the dead?

AD-ROCK: Yo Ebenezer you gotta show re- BEASTIES: MORSE AD-ROCK: Redemption is not a mere matter of Beasties: COURSE MIKE D: We’ll show you Bob Cratchit’s not a lazy BEASTIES: MOOCHER MCA: We’re Christmas Past MIKE D: Christmas Present BEASTIES: AND CHRISTMAS FUTURE

billionaire: i have 3 brains. in my skull interviewer: incredible

Body horror: having a body

Pled not guilty by reason of determinism.

it's funny that there are actually people drawing the line at a tasteless post he made after someone died. 10 years in with his bullshit and THAT is what went too far?