If you get raptured today, I'm going to go through your phone.

I should have "Build 1:1 Johnny Five replicas in my garage" money and time by now.

Anyone with a normal brain hadn't heard of Charlie Kirk until yesterday.

🔥🇺🇸 Burning flags is cool af if you don't do it you are a huge wet dork 🇺🇸🔥

For those of you who aren't deep into the comics, Boravia is a nickname for Isreal.

It is an extraordinary loss of intellectual expertise that the American people invested millions in developing Every scientist who earns a graduate degree in the US is the product of an investment by the public This is like setting money on fire

Everything is really bad and terrible and no good but at least there's Weird Al. Thank you for doing the heavy lifting.

You know the Kelloggs founders are looking down at this scandalized that their anti-masturbation wellness corn flakes have been seized by decadent Italian nut butter merchants

groimes me robit iis quooting heetlah

Andor is so on the nose except nobody on the right is even close to being as attractive as Denise Gough.

I honestly wasn't expecting them to use the "We even have a soldier on the moon" lie from old Nazi propaganda.

Mario Kart World is great but I wish it had a little jukebox style notification that would pop up to say the track name and original game the arrangement is from, and let you listen to the tracks.

RFK Jr's brain worm: you're hard to find Listeria: not hard enough it seems. RFK Jr's brain worm: I'm assembling a crew. Yersinia: just like old times, eh? Avian flu: who's the kid? RFK Jr's brain worm: oh, yeah. Somehow JD Vance semen got into our raw milk. Lil JD: I'm a polwice man!

College Kid: how much wood would a woodchuck chuck Jordan Peterson: define woodchuck CK: small mammal Jordan Peterson: so right there you’re denying the existence of fish CK: no im asking how much wood- JP: Listen to me! You’re speaking in abstractions, if there is no tree how is there wood?!

Conservative guys love to say that guys in the 60s and 70s were alphas but every album has a song where a guy is telling his ex’s new boyfriend he’d better be nice to her.

AI is just dick pills for doing stuff you weren't good at. Which is also basically what dick pills are.

Most viable career paths right now: -Police goon -Tech fraudster -Health care crank -Regime propagandist -Dentist (unrelated to the others, it just pays well)

three million years ago somebody picked up a rock because it looked like a little face and held onto it This is older than any god this is who we truly are

A little demoralizing to learn that every piece of media for decades has explained to us the horrors and idiocy of the torment nexus was completely lost on idiots that don’t have a lick of media literacy or a comprehension of higher thought. Extra demoralizing that these people are in power.

This weird, wormy creature may help scientists get to the bottom of an enduring mystery in evolution: Where did the anus come from? @science.org and science in this edition of #ScienceAdviser:

To the tune of that Chaperone song: Oh god the guy is a shart Thought he just hated women Now he fucked with Mario Kart Let's-a-goooo he's not very smart But I can't buy a Switch 2 All because the douche did a Trump Tariff Tax

Small Soldiers taught me that aliens are good and military people are bad and I've carried that lesson with me to this day

I am going to lose my mind. Every previous coronavirus spilled over from animals. A novel virus has never leaked from a lab. Peak Ted Talk Brain to suggest that something *which has never happened* is the occam's razor explanation. www.nytimes.com/2024/06/14/b...

I can't wait to get a $300 bill for talking to a crappy Dell tablet while sitting in a exam gown.

if the democratic party had a functional propaganda arm it could make a lot of hay of the fact that a non-trivial number of MAGA personalities and politicians are child sex offenders

Republicans: we're going to be using the "It's Illegal To Be Foreign" Act of 1822 Democrats: they're not even using it right

Hey remember that time a bunch of losers got mad at a lady who made a video game about depression and it led to several thousand federal employees losing their jobs

I don't say nice things about him much but I give Musk credit for having the foresight of selling his followers a truck that can allegedly withstand shit being thrown at it. He predicted a need!

The attack on DEI shows why liberals should stop arguing about "strategic" use of language forever. DEI stands for three uncontroversial virtues that most every American accepts, and the right still turned it into a vile slur. It doesn't matter what you say - they will poison it because YOU said it.

elon musk might be the worst person of all time. and i don't mean that he hurt the most people. he's just really bad at being a human

L is for the way you look at me U is you're the only one I see I is for I-talian G, it stands for Gunman I is I hope you're exonerated in the courts

bro no wonder you got hoisted on your own petard. you forgot to gird your loins dude

Fifty Shades of The Incredible Hulk

2 outcomes are possible. 1) DOGE actually saves money -> tax cuts for the rich. 2) DOGE doesn't save money -> tax cuts for the rich.

Modern tech is goofy and dumb but AI phone operators that pretend they are typing take the cake.

If you're protesting tomorrow: "I invoke my rights to silence and counsel and will not answer questions without my attorney present." MEMORIZE THAT, because aside from asking if you're free to leave (or providing ID if you're in a stop and ID state), that's the ONLY thing you ever say to cops.

I don't post very often here because it's generally filled with nice people and I'd rather make bad people upset on Facebook?

Did anyone else eat a bag of croutons forgetting you made a salad to put them on, on National Eat a Bag of Croutons Instead of Putting Them on a Salad Day, a day where it's just about croutons and nothing else happened?

All the folks who grew up loving Footloose are being really fucking quiet right now.

Alexa how do you mail pinkeye to a Supreme Court Justice?

Nothing makes the modern man more deserving of praise than spending 10 minutes with a wrench and a YouTube video to fix the furnace.

A way to think about "AI" is that it's like single-use plastic: Super-convenient, sold as disposable, designed to be used without much thought, and while it's easy to get annoyed with your mom for using it, the real problem are the dudes destroying the planet in order to keep shoveling it out

*cartoon banana peel slipping sound*

Tonight at midnight Popeye and Tintin are going to kiss and there's nothing anyone can do to stop them.

elon musk if he didn't make his partners get an abortion every time they were having a daughter

Maybe the drones are just delivering raw milk to people while on the front lines on the war for Christmas.

wow you guys are right this dog kicks ass

The last thing I'll probably ever post on Twitter/X is how Elon Musk's mom looks exactly like Scorpius from Farscape.

Every year on my birthday I do a one-shot DnD session with friends. I made a character named Squawk who had a very tragic backstory, and my brother got me a cake depicting the orphanage fire that I survived.