Parents can’t take my Zoom call as they are “too busy watching the news”. Apparently.

I think Andrew wants his mummy

"You're on your own, you blithering gobshite" news.sky.com/story/epstei...

All streaming to be banned. You can only tape songs off the radio with the DJ talking over the intro. One telly per household with three channels. This must cause a nightly argument that ends with your dad shouting "Whose telly is it, eh? Who paid for that telly?"

Ratcliffe could have just stayed a (relatively) anonymous billionaire but he couldn't resist the urge to get his mug on the telly like a wannabe Love Island contestant.

So much of our present crisis is coddled, ignorant, and short sighted people tearing down the institutions that protect them because they don’t understand that bad things can happen.

Totally enjoying the unapologetic high camp of #Gladiators

Why the FUCK are the men of east London so comfortable pissing in the street? I’ve just nipped to the shop a mere 2 minutes from my house and TWO separate oiks were unleashing piss against walls.

Watching RTE daytime tv and the presenter has just asked a pair of quiz contestants “how long have you been lovers?”

I will never stop being amazed that a campaign to use taxpayers money to reward people for being thick and careless got so much traction.

Jesus would have been disgusted by this. I mean, they've obviously made the crossbar far too short. If you crucified a professional carpenter with that he'd die of shame.

there's a particular type of voter - a minority of voters, cutting across class - and its name is the Great British Cunt, and political "strategists" are absolutely obsessed with it

Could JD Vance please also pray for the good health of Vladimir Putin?

What if Elon is the first autistic person RFK has ever actually met and that’s why he assumes we don’t pay taxes or go on dates

Just once, it would be nice if a footballer pointed down after scoring a goal, to dedicate it to a departed loved one they know is in hell.

Wtf is a growler of beer? #connections

Think this is the closest to how I thought about this yesterday. There's a hefty side of misogyny in the chatter too, because the women are such unrelateable, unsympathetic characters, not least in the way they were presented in their tight suits and perfect hair and makeup.

The trouble with the focus on the mega wealthy is that those in the middle don't realise they are rich anymore, and have no comprehension of what it's actually like to be *poor*.

In a rare bit of good news for everyone, the number of new podcasts being created is going down. on.ft.com/4ihZp86 Presumably because everyone already has one

Second worst housemate: came out of my room to find her naked and bent over in front of the full length mirror in the hall. She then held up a cotton bud and said 'look! I told you I had worms'.

My worst housemate shagged her boyfriend in my bed (I paid more rent so had a better room) and left a perfect Turin Shroud impression of fake tan on the sheets (along with, ahem, other things). She also wore my clothes, took them to dry cleaners and didn't collect them.

I miss him 🥺

every day. women post their achievements online and get their hearts broken 😔

Put up by Katy Brand today - this is the story over and over again

For the love of God, please stop trying to analyse this as a rational economic policy and not some deranged Colonel Kurtz/Charles the Mad insanity #trumptariffs

I'm old enough to remember when the US and USAID would have helped quake-hit Myanmar, not smacked a 44% tariff on them. #r4today

The original Father Ted, played by co-creator Arthur Mathews, interviewed in In Dublin in 1991, four years before Dermot Morgan took on the role for the hit Channel 4 sitcom. I’m prepping a 30th anniversary feature for The Irish Times. Expect more trivia.

I don't want to hear about your mother!

‘Where Do You Go To (My Lovely)’ by Peter Sarstedt. A bitter, whinging prick with an accordion. Even the brackets in the title give me the ick.

Just seen someone describe Dubai as “Sweaty Canary Wharf” and that’s an absolute murder of the place right there

A reminder to please always add alt text to images as a service to users like me who can’t recognise any celebrity who became famous in the last ten years

It’s outer-wear equinox day today, apparently. Half of commuters still in scarves and puffer coats, the other half in shirt sleeves and summer dresses. Who is going to regret their choice?

Somebody asked me what a fax is today.

We had it so good.

Just saw a whippet in a funnel-neck jumper and all I could think was “Joan Didion”

Happy St Patrick’s Day - when those in the Irish diaspora are lumped together with exactly the people they left Ireland to get away from.

Couple on the tube having what looks like a break up conversation. She’s stomped off, he’s ugly crying. Older man has come and put his arm around him.

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Also he should wear a suit while doing this

Bloke in a van came to collect my household rubbish yesterday. He looked like Dolph Lundgren and when I paid him he so ‘thank you Madame’ and bowed! I had to lie down.

Richard Tice and Rupert Lowe are sheer Rhodesia, aren’t they? Frederick Forsyth etc. Harare airport 1978. Sweating with suitcases. Bar. ‘You *fool* Tice! We’ll owe ten million rand. They’ll cut our ears off’ ‘For Christ’s sake calm down, man. You’re a hysteric! I’d never agreed had I known’ etc

Ireland in the 70s - same with the added bonus of GAA matches on the radio. The tedium left an indelible mark.

This is worse than the worst thing we imagined.

“Contrarian thinkers” will be the death of us. Serious action on the biggest challenges of our time delayed for years because people with huge media platforms were “just asking questions”: “Is that trans person really human?” “Is that right arm really that salute?” “Is that iceberg really melting?”

“If there is anyone on board who didn’t have the fish…”

For #WorldBookDay I’m dressing up as a middle-aged woman who can get men to shut the fuck up using nothing but a cold hard stare or face the consequences. I just need someone to write the book.

So are we all at the ‘burn all my clothes’ stage of winter?

“Yes, Mr Musk, you could definitely carry off the Tommy Shelby haircut. You have the bone structure, the eyes. Cillian will be so jealous” Kudos to the barber who didn’t talk him out of this.

Really cannot be stressed enough how much you should hate David Cameron.