Davy is currently chatting-up Paul - a successful novelist, living in downtown NY, who "never had time" for a wife! I suspect Davy's shipmates are well aware why he isn't up for the strip-clubs!

-Come on, Davy, shore-leave! Let's hit the strip-clubs! -Sorry, lads, I've got other plans -I don't believe this! Are you going to that poncy businessman bar again, the one with the fucking miserable piano player? -I… -Never mind, Davy. Enjoy your "tonic and gin", sailor!

My wife always says that my dreams are really boring, but last night I dreamed we went to the library, so that's her showed!

Sure, I buy Playboy magazine, but only for the freedom of speech.

Why doesn't Starmer simply use his large majority to force through a plan where Britain conquers the world? Just think; no more Trump or Putin, no more Middle East drama, no more threat from China, no more immigration, just human rights and democracy for everyone. Politics is my passion.

Have any mathematicians done work on the packing efficiency of Christmas decorations into a garage/loft, and can explain why it gets less efficient each year?

There is absolutely nothing irreconcilable or hypocritical in Trump's treatment of Hernandez and Maduro. How's he supposed to extort a massive bribe for pardoning Maduro if he doesn't have him convicted first?

Gearing up for my 'Thought for the Day' slot. "You know, in many ways, God is like the secret traitor. He's mysterious, powerful, and some people only get to meet him after a barrister has completely screwed up."

Trying to use an online footpath map to plan today's dog-walk, and I'm not altogether convinced that following the green path is going to be wise.

I don't think it's overly harsh to say that Love, Actually has set many people's expectations that the PM's response to international events should be to talk about David Beckham's feet and, therefore, Richard Curtis should be executed, to deter others from mixing politics and feel-good comedy.

Someone’s announced on my local Facebook group that they’re doing 30 minutes of fireworks tonight. Thirty minutes! You Southerners can keep NYE in London, you want the January 3rd display from someone’s garden, you do.

Trump having a busy afternoon, Googling who the president of Greenland is and whether he has any outstanding New York parking tickets.

What happens when you repeatedly hit a policewoman in the spine with a sledgehammer you dull prick

Don’t call it being a shitposter, call it embracing

*Bing-bong* The estate of George Orwell would like to apologise for the late arrival of the super-states of Oceania, Eastasia, and Eurasia. This was due to the wrong kind of snowflakes. Passengers travelling to Airstrip One are advised to catch the 20:29 Reform service.

“and in other news, President Trump has ordered the bombing of Venezuela” “Caracas?” “not according to his doctors”

Luna was crying to be outside, but apparently she just wanted to sit and have a think about things.

If you still believe in phrenology you want to get your head examined!

BREAKING: BBC reveal the person responsible for the new #Traitors format...

Can't believe it's *still* January! Will this month never end?

teenagers shouting from their bedroom when you tell them dinner’s ready #TheTraitors

Is this good? It sounds good. Go me!

He appears to have cooked this with the light in his fridge.

Fuck off, Nerdle, it's too early to make me wonder if 2026 is really 2 x 2013.

I know it's not a popular idea, but to me it's madness to march into 2026 after the mess we made of 2025. I say we do 2025 over again, and this time put some *effort* into it, people!

Tomorrow marks 10 years since the greatest piece of art of our generation

Ruin two bands by combining them: Four Non-Blondies

I went to a talk by Richard Dawkins, with a booking signing afterwards, but I couldn't think of anything to say to him, so I wordlessly handed over my copy of his book, he signed it and handed it back without comment. We haven't kept in touch since.

Imagine my surprise when a star-struck autograph hunter informed me that I was the entire cast of Coronation Street.

I enjoy the fact that idiots (e.g. Tom Harwood) who just wanted to be famous stayed on Twitter to not lose their followers and, because all they seek is approval and fame, have been convinced to become tragic figures with deeply unpopular views by bot farms based in India.

I'm very happy for him and all, but Sir Idris sounds like a type of cloud.

This image, which appeared on my FB a while ago, encapsulates AI and its advocates perfectly. Obviously, someone asked for the ultimate man-toilet and got a set-up where you're shitting into your beer fridge, next to an unwatchable telly. The fridge wouldn't even work, because the door won't close.

You know how it is, you never go to local tourist things until you have visitors. Honestly, though, the Angel of the North isn’t that impressive close up.

Replaying Skyrim at the moment, and it's amazing how many people you meet in tombs, who say they're there for the fortune, but haven't even bothered looting the corpses. Come on, NPCs, show some gumption!

Having had a day to think through everything about El-Fattah, here's where I stand. Yes, it's possible to believe all of these things at once! In fact, it really shouldn't be that hard.

I don't know why this little exchange made me laugh, but it did.

Fascinating fact: If you take a chess board and place a single grain of rice on the first square, 2 grains on the second, 4 grains on the third, and so on, then you get banned from the chess club before you've even finished the 2nd row.

I've seen a lot of these, but it should be this one, surely...

I will hold my hands up as an Avatar Hater, but I think it is because what we're struggling with, as a group, is that it is like being told 'three billion people are sexually attracted to forks'. It's not even that it is wrong, it's that I just don't really understand it at any level.

Me[not turning 55 until June] : Yeah, fuck those boomers!

What’s everyone’s favourite Avatar quote? Mine is: “Have you ever seen a blue man naked?”

Goldcuddle

What would even be the point of being an author if you couldn’t use your footnotes for passive-aggressive comments for your wife?

Make a Bond film casual: From Russia With Best Wishes

It's that day again. Happy anniversary

Happy Foxing Day everyone! My kids are beside themselves with excitement, and have been up since 4:30am, blocking uppity women who won't agree with them. Me, I'm just looking forward to the traditional singing of 'O kimono, ye faithful'

Got my brother in the family secret Santa and he likes his vinyl records… anyway, did you know that people on eBay sell you 50 carefully curated LPs for a tenner? What a bargain, and includes hard-to-find* classics like this… *For good reason.

Well, the big day is tomorrow, so why not spread a bit of peace on Earth by remembering how many of us are united by the same little perennial details of Christmas Day with your festive bingo card. First to get a complete line wins their own weight in gold!

There should be a sequel to A Christmas Carol; the story of the street urchin who runs into the butchers on Xmas morning, wanting to take the largest turkey in the shop, and claiming, without proof, that the biggest miser in town is paying for it. Lordy, I bet he got the shit kicked out of him.