To those who may not have heard, the account for @newspenguin.bsky.social posted this on Twitter. I am heartbroken by this news. Tim is the very best of humanity.

Die Hard is a Boris Johnson film!

Part of my little town, bathed under blue skies and double-digit sunshine. Bodes well for spring-adjacent Scottish holiday*, next week. *Actual amounts of spring & Scotland may vary.

The ship, the USS Variola, will distribute free blankets to the people of Greenland.

Like and subscribe for more great content

Can’t believe the Pope didn’t want to go see RFK Jr & Kid Rock naked wrestle on the White House lawn to commemorate 250 years of ‘merica

No cheating, your last saved picture of a celebrity is your therapist. Sadly, Paul Darrow died in 2019, but Avon lives forever and can therapise me for sure.

I’m not saying that Luna knows how to cook jambalaya, but she does know how much attention to pay when I’m chopping (a) veg, (b) smoked sausage, and (c) chicken (she doesn’t get little tasters of raw chicken)

Made the mistake of looking up a house we walked past today on RightMove and my wife really likes it. Now, it's £450k, but probably needs another couple of hundred k in modernising and generally sorting out, but it is my birthday soon, if someone feels like wiring me the cash.

What is this, a phone box for ants

BREAKING: New 5,000% tariffs on black robes and tiny hammers.

Got an idea for an Apocalypse Now reboot, with Cpt. Willard sailing up the Thames, to take out Andrew M-B. Does anyone know if Martin Sheen is looking for work at the moment? I've already approached Farage's agent, to ask if he'll be the "Extreme prejudice" guy.

Meanwhile, on Threads;

I've just checked my bank account and, if anything, there's less than I expected in there. I don't see why Rachel Reeves should get all this money, she already earns more than me. This is why I'm voting Restormfront!

For pissing on a tree?

Bloody hell, today's MinuteCryptic.com is a bit of a stretch.

Had to be done #AndrewMountbattenWindsor

“I remember the first time I saw Andy…”

Remember that he has the right to be questioned by an officer at least one rank higher in the line of succession

Prisoner cell block HRH.

"Misconduct in public office on 66th birthday" seems an incredibly specific offence, and I'm spending far too long wondering what the council office birthday party was like that led to it being on the statute books.

"'ere, you'll never guess who I 'ad in the back of my car the other day."

Countries that do not embrace automated dog-shagging robots could be 'left behind', warns C-suite executive of Fuck-Ur-Pooch.

I know a lot of people think Microsoft Excel is a dreadful piece of software, but I would rate it October 10th.

*leaning to my lawyer* Who's the guy with the axe?

What, people who are really disappointed in you?

Olympic highlight in this house.

Sure, your AI agent can read your emails, find appointments, co-ordinate all your calendars, and book your travel, but can it send you inconsequential looking messages with bogus invitations hidden in the small print at the bottom? I can. See you on Sunday, for our 3am meeting in downtown Pripyat.

🎵Don't know much about history 🎵Don't know much biology 🎵Don't know much about a science book…

So proud of

Set the “Corned Beef of my Childhood” poem to a stirring piece of music by Elgar and make it the national anthem.

Police officers to be legally allowed to deliver a cuff around the ear to anyone they see behaving like a scally. Cuff-worthy offences to include Loitering in a Respectable Area, Cheeking Your Elders, Looking Miserable While In Possession of a Pretty Face, and Being Up To Something.

Great news! From now until 20th of Feb, you can pre-order The Art of a Lie in paperback for 25% off at Waterstones - just use the code FEB26 💚 "Brilliantly plotted, brilliantly written, endlessly twisty and inventive" - The Sunday Times www.waterstones.com/author/laura...

Today I learned that my washing machine has an emergency drain hose. It's a bit slow, but preferable to the old system, where removing the filter quickly and efficiently drained all the water straight onto your kitchen floor.

Utterly baffling that these boys can't get laid.

-… then if you check table 6 it will tell you how many points you get for your age. Add those points to the ones from your Relatives-aboard cards and Family-elsewhere cards… -Um, Eric, the water's getting pretty high. -Then stop interrupting! Next, you'll need your dice and the saving throw chart.

I'm knackered. If I go for a quick nap can one of you send a holding reply if my boss emails me? My password is "P455w0rd1" Thanks.

Yet when I offered them a follow-up story, about how I’ve been wearing the same pair of socks for 26 years, they just replied, “Ew!”

Heated curlers

Fair play, Daniel Hannan's commitment to his comedy bit is unwavering.

Regret to report I have joined the cult of air-fryer wankers. Mainly so I could tag in @rich-bryant.uk to let him know every time I FRY something.

Same as when you defrost your freezer; 16 loose peas, the hardened remains of a spill of something brown, and a deep-frozen ice-pop from when your kids were 5.

What?

Pee! Stored! Balls!

I know people have been saying good things about Small Prophets but it seems to be asking us to feel empathy for the kind of psychopath who has 2.8 Injection pepper-pot alloy wheels on his S-model Capri. Unforgivable!

I think I’ve been scammed….My Rottweilers haven’t grown in months 😱😱

Roses are red my heart you have stole ❤️

Another perfect walking day in Northumberland. Fun fact: Although this bridge looks like a miniature copy of the Tyne Bridge, it predates it, and has been spanning the Tyne at Wylam since 1876. #AllHistoryAndShit