I once referred to Dubai as 'LinkedIn with beheadings' on Twitter and got two days of men in ill-fitting jackets telling me I was British as if it were some kind of own.

“… leading to Nuremberg Court”

Influencers in Dubai switching from “everybody should move here” to “this Is a crisis and the British government should get me out of here” without a single blink

As I’m on holiday, I’m also having a break from having an opinion on things. How’s it going? Impossible to say.

He has taken all the integrity and goodwill the fifa peace prize had built up over the minutes and destroyed it. I don't think anyone will be comfortable being awarded it in future

Not to go all Revelations, but I’ve just unleashed the 4-guess Wordle of the Beast.

Facebook informed me this morning that my wife and I have been friends for 17 years, and I’m quite proud of managing to befriend the person I’d been married to for nearly 10 years at that point. Neither of us had bought the other anniversary gifts, though, so who knows how long we’ll stay friends.

Astounding statement on *so* many levels

‘hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it’

While I was attempting to photograph herons through the chain link fence, a juvenile eagle flew overhead. #LookUp

Forever haunted by the checkout operator who watched me plonk a cucumber on the belt and said, ‘Quiet night in?’

In the gym changing room the other night a bloke was talking loudly and at length to his mate about his recent colonoscopy procedure. At one point he said “The doctor was standoffish - I tried to make conversation so I asked him what he did for a living and he said ‘I do this’ and I said ‘Oh yeah’.”

Manchester airport really leaned into the old prison-exercise-yard chic for their smoking area. Anyway, I’ve joined a neo-Nazi gang, but don’t read too much into it, it’s just for protection. Didn’t even know that Boots did walk-in tattooing, never mind a full-face Iron Cross.

Ladies! Don’t want to be perved at by weirdos wearing Meta Nonce Goggles? Simply wear one of my new range of stylish t-shirts emblazoned with a QR code that will send them to goatse.

Spring-adjacent Scottish Holiday 2026 is go! We’re currently in Manchester, but Mrs R -who’s handled all the logistics- has told me not to worry my pretty little head about it. And there were some smashing Scottish hills on the way.

Amazingly, only 12 hours after posting this, a little job came up that I needed the Dremel for. And that's when I found out that it doesn't come with a circular cutting blade.

To those who may not have heard, the account for @newspenguin.bsky.social posted this on Twitter. I am heartbroken by this news. Tim is the very best of humanity.

Die Hard is a Boris Johnson film!

Part of my little town, bathed under blue skies and double-digit sunshine. Bodes well for spring-adjacent Scottish holiday*, next week. *Actual amounts of spring & Scotland may vary.

The ship, the USS Variola, will distribute free blankets to the people of Greenland.

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Can’t believe the Pope didn’t want to go see RFK Jr & Kid Rock naked wrestle on the White House lawn to commemorate 250 years of ‘merica

No cheating, your last saved picture of a celebrity is your therapist. Sadly, Paul Darrow died in 2019, but Avon lives forever and can therapise me for sure.

I’m not saying that Luna knows how to cook jambalaya, but she does know how much attention to pay when I’m chopping (a) veg, (b) smoked sausage, and (c) chicken (she doesn’t get little tasters of raw chicken)

Made the mistake of looking up a house we walked past today on RightMove and my wife really likes it. Now, it's £450k, but probably needs another couple of hundred k in modernising and generally sorting out, but it is my birthday soon, if someone feels like wiring me the cash.

What is this, a phone box for ants

BREAKING: New 5,000% tariffs on black robes and tiny hammers.

Got an idea for an Apocalypse Now reboot, with Cpt. Willard sailing up the Thames, to take out Andrew M-B. Does anyone know if Martin Sheen is looking for work at the moment? I've already approached Farage's agent, to ask if he'll be the "Extreme prejudice" guy.

Meanwhile, on Threads;

I've just checked my bank account and, if anything, there's less than I expected in there. I don't see why Rachel Reeves should get all this money, she already earns more than me. This is why I'm voting Restormfront!

For pissing on a tree?

Bloody hell, today's MinuteCryptic.com is a bit of a stretch.

Had to be done #AndrewMountbattenWindsor

“I remember the first time I saw Andy…”

Remember that he has the right to be questioned by an officer at least one rank higher in the line of succession

Prisoner cell block HRH.

"Misconduct in public office on 66th birthday" seems an incredibly specific offence, and I'm spending far too long wondering what the council office birthday party was like that led to it being on the statute books.

"'ere, you'll never guess who I 'ad in the back of my car the other day."

Countries that do not embrace automated dog-shagging robots could be 'left behind', warns C-suite executive of Fuck-Ur-Pooch.

I know a lot of people think Microsoft Excel is a dreadful piece of software, but I would rate it October 10th.

*leaning to my lawyer* Who's the guy with the axe?

What, people who are really disappointed in you?

Olympic highlight in this house.

Sure, your AI agent can read your emails, find appointments, co-ordinate all your calendars, and book your travel, but can it send you inconsequential looking messages with bogus invitations hidden in the small print at the bottom? I can. See you on Sunday, for our 3am meeting in downtown Pripyat.

🎵Don't know much about history 🎵Don't know much biology 🎵Don't know much about a science book…

So proud of

Set the “Corned Beef of my Childhood” poem to a stirring piece of music by Elgar and make it the national anthem.