I'm not /entirely/ sure that's a great metric for allocating police resources, but good news for the lowlifes who mug old ladies for 20p, I guess.

Right, that’s Scotland washed off the bike. Also shown, my tragically orange car.

Cheech: OK, man, you all doped up? Chong: Uh, man *tokes* are you sure that weed is, uh, like performance enhancing Cheech: You see that guy at the finish line, right? He's got a Mars bar for yo… THE GUN! YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE GUN!

a horse walks into a bar and says to the barman, "on a right angled triangle with sides x, y and z, if x and z are perpendicular which side is opposite the right angle?", and the barman says "y, the long face"

When you put what was left of your disastrous bitcoin investment into the, admittedly volatile, mini sponge market.

I went to see the Wonder Stuff by accident once, with my mate’s sister, who I fancied. #totp

Update: It’s now my 27th wedding anniversary. I’ve changed bikes a few times but stuck with the same wife. More amazingly, she’s put up with me all that time.

Dreamed that the latest Hollywood fad was biopics where the story was told from the view of the subject’s individual body parts, voiced by a range of actors. It seemed such a brilliant idea that I wished I’d thought of it. Woke up to find (a) I had and (b) it isn’t.

Congratulations to Brooklyn Beckham on his new gig at the Vatican

Reform are delighted to announce they have made an appointment. A distinguished academic, with a keen interest in vetting, and his own bolt-cutters.

Oh dear, it’s going to be a weekend of Northumberland dads being furious that they’ve turned at the tip with wood and then not been allowed to toss it in.

Jesus Christ, from the size of that cat I’m guessing it’s lard

Summer-adjacent Scotland holiday is here!

Sarah Beeny's Property Ladder, a 2000s show in which each an amateur developer would make a series of terrible decisions and then still somehow end up in profit, has been unexpectedly catastrophic for the British economy. Welcome to my TED Talk.

Post a meme made by you.

I AM FROM MOLDOVA I DRIVE A VAUXHALL NOVA I SOMETIMES LIKE PAVLOVA CHAMPAGNE SUPERNOVA #eurovision

#france #eurovision

One sing to rule them all #Eurovision

CELINE DINGO.

Albania here, with the long-awaited prequel to Grandma, We Love You #Eurovision

We’ve all accidentally packed odd shoes when we’re going away, so credit to her for trying to style it out. #Eurovision

Hugh Hefner has let himself go #Eurovision

Pick a Bond from photos you already have on your phone.

Far right protest or Paul Smith autumn line shoot?

Andy Burnham will force Keir Starmer to quit as PM by standing in by-election after by-election until Labour loses its majority.

My garden has acquired a fancy looking pigeon, with a white head. Will it still taste OK?

Last day of work before a week off First Teams call today starts at 8:30 Then 5 back-to-back calls until 1pm Three of which centre around a 99-slide PowerPoint Anyone got the number for Dignitas?

The number of crypto millionaires in Makerfield is about to rise sharply.

This has all the makings of an absolute clusterfuck* * apply to whichever situation is currently unfolding anywhere in the world

Mrs R is picking her next car, and is looking at a Toyota Urban Cruiser… isn't that the film with Dustin Hoffman and Jon Voight?

I generally agree with this, so can any of the political wonks tell me if there's a feasible path to Nick Mohammed becoming PM?

Well, that was a really excellent evening. I like his TV shows but he was a lot more engaging in person. Very much worth seeing.

The attack line on Dan Niedle I very much liked - from Bastani and OJ - was “look what you’ve done now, you’ve alerted the authorities to this loophole, millions may now have to pay tax, aren’t you ashamed?”. Uh, good? It’s good to close tax loopholes? Aren’t you guys socialists?

It's my son's 17th birthday today, so tonight we're taking him over the toon, for a big night out; going to see David Olusoga give a talk about history. What? That's what all 17yo lads want to do on their birthdays, isn't it?

Happy birthday to this magnificent piece of reasoning — although the average takeaway costing £9.75 dates it rather

I will vote for Wes Streeting in any forthcoming leadership election on the solo provision that, by deed poll, he adopts the middle names Cravens, Nightmare, and Onelm.

I've never heard of some of these people Andy Burnhom Angela Ragner Shbana Mahwood

Can we be in the timeline where Labour put some nobody in, as a caretaker PM, until they can carry out their inexplicable plan to have Burnham do the job, and then the nobody turns out to be the greatest PM ever? I think there should also be japes, and maybe an 80s soundtrack.

Where's the owls we were promised???

Wes Streeting is already facing growing calls to stand down as PM

Why, oh why, doesn't Starmer take a leaf out of Farage's book? If he formed a company, Labour Ltd, where he was the sole shareholder, and ordered all his MPs to defect to it, then he would own them and could never be ousted as leader.

But, remember, each new PM gets a honeymoon period. If these honeymoon periods could be brought closer and closer together then physicists believe that they may combine to form a super-honeymoon, allowing the long-dreamed of Labour goal of electoral victory through no action other than in-fighting.

[Thought for the day] … In many ways, my putting out of the recycling bins - which I forgot 2 weeks ago - reminds us that it is never too late to atone and put ourselves in the hands of a high power. We may be overflowing with the old pizza boxes of unwise choices, but them bin lads have seen worse.

Slightly increase a band Bon Jovii

Slightly increase a band Coarse Young Cannibals

LADY BRACKNELL: Through the elaborate investigations of the Metropolitan police, the perambulator was discovered at midnight, standing by itself in a remote corner of Bayswater. It contained the manuscript of a 3-volume novel of more than usually revolting sentimentality. But it was under-babied!

Happy 5th birthday to Luna, my favourite dog ever, and my on-going lesson in why there’s a “but” after “Malinois are great dogs…”