The tzatziki I made for dinners this week tastes of perfumed toothpaste: a tragedy in two acts.

Incidentally watched The End of the Affair (1955) on Valentine’s Day and you know what, yeah. God isn’t real, everyone cheats and love is an unavoidable precursor to misery. 7/10 - would Valentine again 🥰

Why the FUCK are the men of east London so comfortable pissing in the street? I’ve just nipped to the shop a mere 2 minutes from my house and TWO separate oiks were unleashing piss against walls.

The sound of dainty Disney princess cat paws thundered across the floor toward me, leaping onto the sofa above my head. Three tiny yet violently wet sneezes directly to my face, a pause and the sound of dainty Disney paws thundering away. Mort. Mort is my favourite.

Last night’s solo date: Balthazar for dinner, Agatha Christie’s The Mousetrap (obvs I worked out who the killer was right off), cocktail and a night cap at The Ivy.

People who chat during a play at the theatre deserve to have their tongues ‘de-gloved’ and their mouths packed with salt and vinegar crisps before being sewn shut. I will not be drawn on this.

Category is… solo date night.

Me: I love film noir and also Murder, She Wrote YouTube’s algorithm: Say less

TW: Concentration camp images, dead people. Been to a photographic exhibition of Lee Miller and there are some images I strongly feel need sharing and NEVER forgetting with today’s political climate. I’m placing some of her pretty fashion pics first so you can scroll on by if this will upset you.

When I see people complaining that Bad Bunny was singing Spanish and they can’t understand I think of this absolute rump shaker and how it’s entirely gibberish and oh shut up you daft racists.

DO NOT MAKE ME THINK KINDLY OF LOGAN PAUL DEAR FUCKING GOD

I’ve got really bad period farts and normally everyone loves their own brand but honestly I’m starting to get pissed off at the constant acrid green stank 😭

I fucking love being a grown up because yeah, why *not* bake and eat an entire tray of ‘healthy’ brownies for dinner still hot from the oven!

Someone just told me I shouldn’t have long nails in the gym because they’re dangerous. So I proved them right by plucking out their stupid fucking eyeballs.

Category is… aiming for lifting, probably end up fainting. HASHTAG HAVE A HAPPY PERIOD

Suffering a migraine since Tuesday. Thought to myself how well behaved and gentle both cats were being with me. 🪡

Re the seeming chokehold scrunch-butt leggings have got the world in... We fought years for 'squat proof' leggings so people couldn't see the merest hint of peach and now here we are, expected to don leggings that scream "MY ANUS IS RIGHT HERE, WINKING AT YOU!" through every RDL and downward dog.

So tired I feel like someone has hollowed out my eye sockets with a rusty spork and replaced my eyeballs with pickled onions.

SPRING IS COMING! (RIP winter)

If you saw a woman running through East London today with her hand plunged down the front of her leggings wrestling with a particularly aggressive fuck flap wedgie, no you didn’t.

Category is… wings on feet, Ava Max on shuffle.

Need a discrete way to notify people they are leaving a trail of acrid green nostril-staining body funk through the gym, because right now I’m leaning towards pointing and bellowing “SOAP ALLERGY IN AISLE THREE!” at the stanky bastard who arrived smelling like a tramp’s perineum.

Category is… chicken thigh truther.

I’ve given it much thought and careful, measured consideration and I finally feel brave enough to speak the truth… Chicken thigh meat is overrated. Breast is far superior.

Category is… always be nice to your batshit neighbour.

Karma for my act of neighbourly mercy has been dished out. Locked myself out and my dear sweet neighbour insisted on scaling the slimy garden fence in her pyjamas to retrieve my hidden spare key to protect my work attire.

My favourite thing on social media right now is all the Americans posting about luring stray cats indoors 'just to ride out the snow storm' and we all know that cat will never know hunger or discomfort another day in its life. 😭

I’ve had 2 x two hour naps today. Still tired. Excellent.

I have the energy and vivre of a week old potato peeling today which means any strength I do have is being entirely taken up feeling guilty for not going running. Actually running would be less draining. 😭

Discovered what I assumed was a generic fried chicken place to be a Korean hot pot (and fried chicken) place just a hop and spit from my house and now all I eat is Korean hot pot

Real talk tho but how am I meant to get anything done today when TRAITORS FINAL IS ON AT 20:30?!!!

Category is… cartoon burglar but make it officewear.

Category is… freshly washed bag lady.

Owing to a shit nights sleep I appear to have awoken with a face like a haunted wank sock.

Mort is so insistent on snuggling up to my face. Cute, right?

Baked someone brownies as a treat and they found a hair in one and to ease my awkwardness and embarrassment I told them it's probably a pube and oh god why am I like this.

Not to victim blame here, but... www.thesun.co.uk/news/3796167...

2026, the year we find out Brooklyn Beckham *can* cook.

Well, well, well. Brooklyn Beckham *finally* got interesting.

Category is… at what mile will she shit herself?

Came to the gym feeling ugly. Decided to throw an extra 10kg on my back squat working sets for the first time, taking it 5kg over my own body weight and you know what happened to feeling ugly?

Still laughing at myself over this. Total baller.

Category is…black, blanc and belly.

Pretty sure I’m getting my house burned down as I sleep tonight and I am not the least sorry. 🪡

Science.

Satan has no more villainous torture device in his arsenal than a bored small child in a nail salon. Fill my ears with molten glass, I beg.

Me: Gosh, I hope my period doesn’t leak and ruin my outfit My crusty fucking ketchup bottle: Oh it won’t 😉

Category is… 67 seconds before the ketchup bottle exploded all over me. FML