Me: [applies super expensive body lotion before bed] Mort: Ooh, you seem to have got some ‘stuff’ on you - don’t worry, I got it! Minou is my favourite.

Begging marketing teams to just see women as “people”.

Last night I, among others. stopped to help a man having an epileptic seizure and I have two points: 1. Teach first aid, including seizure treatment, in schools 2. If your mum dying from epilepsy is why you’re losing your shit, DON’T MAKE THAT THE PATIENT’S FIRST CONSCIOUS AUDIO

I like to think that right now Epstein is having a right old chuckle in Hell knowing he caused a rumour from beyond the grave that Donny Trump gave Bill Clinton a greedy gob job. Satan’s gonna give him half an hour off having his testicles toasted for that one.

Category is… just because it’s tights weather doesn’t mean you have to dress like a nana.

Arsecrack got so sweaty in the gym I had to go check it wasn’t anal seepage mid-workout. Like all the sexy influencer girly-pops.

If ever you wonder what it's like living in the mind of a chronic over-thinker... my grocery delivery came with the erroneous addition of some coffee...

Hard not to root for the Luigis.

Them: You will just ask if there’s anything I can do while you recover from your operation, right? Me, cooking and freezing actual individual fucking portions of rice and pasta: Oh of course!

Them: You will just ask if there’s anything I can do while you recover from your operation, right? Me, cooking and freezing actual individual fucking portions of rice and pasta: Oh of course!

Everyone knows I love a truly awful Christmas movie and let me tell you, this movie premier did NOT disappoint. The reviews are savage but honestly don’t be fooled by them only giving it one star, it’s so much worse.

A level 8 difficulty double cat spot for the fans.

Category is… emergency film premier plus one.

My first instinct on seeing this image: Yeah but this man is different to the others 😍

Make wearing puffer coats on the tube illegal - on punishment of being shot in the face with a rotting badger carcass.

I’ve got my period which is as agonising and debilitating and plan-cancelly and draining and grim as ever BUT I’m drinking celebratory fizz and smiling and feeling joyous through every awful minute - because I have a hysterectomy booked meaning this is the last EVER

don't remember if I've mentioned this before. tell anyone you see using Google to do this. hiding "actually do what I asked" is another expression of the paternalistic techbro mindset that gives you "yes" or "not now" options for an unwanted new feature or only lets you hide something "for a while"

Just the cleanest Matthew 25 test you could imagine revealing a Christendom of goats leading their flocks straight to the eternal fires.

Your cat when you're choking to death in your apartment

Got really bad period pains but it's my last ever period before I have a hysterectomy.

Still absolutely fucking buzzing from #CelebrityTraitors - can we do it all again right now please? Just phenomenal from absolutely everyone involved but especially casting and editing. Two teams capable of harnessing actual magic. May the other side of the pillow ever be cool for all concerned.

Category is… cat for scale.

NGL but if so I’m only ever watching on catch up so I can scrub past any and all moments of her on screen.

Category is… Rydell High realness.

Category is… Continuing to refuse to apologise for cutting my own fringe.

Lemon roasted chicken Rosemary and garlic roasted baby potatoes Green beans Sweet potato and chickpea stuffing balls Roasted red onion Roasted garlic Homemade tzatziki Fucking stunning twist on a classic, but this is a midweek dinner. Sundays are for GRAVY. I know that now.

[whispers] in the aftermath of a violent incident with mass casualties everyone is always so quick to speculate on the race, religion and ethnicity of the perpetrators and never the fact it is almost always… men.

Just experienced a hearty bowel movement of such enormous satisfaction that I’m left feeling lighter, perkier and my innards gleaming with renewed innocence. I get now why cats get the post-turd zoomies.

Some cunts were setting off mega-boom bastard fireworks at 4am but yeah cool keep selling them to any fucker with the brain density of milk.

Hallowe’en rain brutishly lashing against the windows as it chases the trick-or-treaters on a hasty retreat, as a soft cat sighs deep contented breaths, sinking into the warm safety of my lap. Poirot and pinot noir polish the perfect cosy autumnal tableau.

Chuckling imagining the absolutely monstrous puce-faced, spittle-flecked toddler tantrum that Nonce Andrew threw when Big Bro pulled the rug. It’s not much, but to someone who has lived a life immune from consequence this is so fucking delicious it’s gotta be fattening.

Will always be Nonce Andrew to me.

Do I choose my Meal Deal based on colour? No. Does it annoy me still that while technically all the same colour the protein bar is the wrong shade? Yes.

Guys, imagine a remake of Lady Gaga's Abracadabra video where everyone but Gaga has been replaced by Muppets. I'm at a place where I need to believe this could happen.

Spot the auto cat feeder due to go off at 18:00… FEWMIN

Been on a run and saw a seagull catch a crayfish in the canal. All David Attenborough and shit.

Category is… Didn’t wanna go the gym. Made myself go the gym. A triumph for the history books.

Went theatre last night. Entertaining Mr Sloane. London does theatre alright, innit.

A modern day horror story: Once upon a time there were people who weren’t aware of the existence of #CelebrityTraitors

Category is… graveyard groupie.

F

OMG Claudia has quit #Strictly! (also that fembot)

Objectively funny that at the end of a concourse covered in fresh bright orange vomit…

Bought some Loop earplugs and can confirm, they are East London Diwali tested and approved. Also whatever diabolical shitty little cunt was letting shit off at 2am tested.

I remember as a kid there owing an advert for porridge that had kids running round with a nuclear falllout glow all day and I was like yeah, sure, that’s just ad bollocks. Phat bowl of porridge an hour ago and I HAVE A FURNACE WITHIN - I RADIATE AS THE SUN!

Category is… denim and danger.

Well holy fuck. #ThePerfectNeighbor on Netflix is grim, depressing shit, isn’t it? Brilliant viewing. Two. Fucking. Minutes.

Had a terribly upset stomach yesterday but still persisted with two loads of laundry, picture frame repair, whipping up batches of ‘carrot cake’ baked oatmeal, smoked salmon pâté, cheese and broccoli pasta sauce plus a 5k run. And the most impressive thing?

T’is the season. #IYKYK

They can strip you of all their titles babe, but you will *always* be Nonce Andrew to me hun 🤗