200 capacity kind of works... Some will be standing. and there will be an ever growing lineup at the two bathroom stalls. Maybe if there was a few ports-potties? or shrubberies out back.

If I follow you, it’s given you have an excellent butthole.

Our contract with the janitorial service states certain areas not only be cleaned, but disinfected as well. I was told today that if I refer to this section of the agreement as "the sani-clause" again, I will be excluded from future weekly meetings.

Doctor: do you smoke or drink coffee Me: I drink it you fuckwad

first, they came for the geniuses & i did not speak out bc,… duh

You’ve just died. The 6th picture in your phone gallery is what killed you.

You’ve just died. The 6th picture in your phone gallery is what killed you.

Calm on down! You're the next contestant on the crisis is right.

I wanna meet the man who coined the term analgesic... but I don't want to shake his hand.

Not often... Maybe 3 or 4 times a year... I'll be at a big party, or maybe a scotch tasting and I want to try them all and I get a little over the top drunk. and that can sometimes affect my vision. So. Here's the plan

A friend came up with "Democratic Darwinism: The Origins of Specious" to describe why centrists play it safe - and I had to share.

You're at Timothy Dalton Bond. I need you at George Lazenby Bond

It's not "warm" beer. It's "room temperature". There's a big difference.

I grew up with a Siamese. Very talkative. a chatty catty, if you will. He probably talked to me more than I to him.

I am color blind, so Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Hudson, and Jennifer Aniston all look like Jennifer Grey to me.

still calling it 'the pandemic' as if there was only ever one.

I know the budget is tight. but I'm not talking about rib eye and lobster tails... just pointing out that even the primo, name-brand ramen noodles are basically dirt cheap.

I didn't ask if you smoked. I really don't care. or if your favorite aunt died of cancer. I just asked if you had a lighter. Simple yes or no will suffice.

was watching a video of what I thought was a Caribbean hog farmer but it was just an islander filming Americans getting off of a cruise ship for their visit

Silence of the Wombs

I'm trying to write a country song. What rhymes with ignoramus?

Stones cover band called The Rolling Blackouts

I could be succinct, but I don't want to and here's why: a 27 chapter dissertation. Foreword by Margaret Atwood

(putting up Halloween decorations) No, no! The ghosts don't come out UNTIL Halloween! Like Baby Jesus!

Today's view from the office

hot dog wedding reception with separate chili and cheese fountains

Hey Babe, made you a bath mat out of fruit roll ups

T-minus two more days til we go on an old b/w scary movie marathon

People who are nostalgic for the 80s have obviously forgotten how much Phil Collins we had to listen to.

You'd think something so versatile that you can make anything with it from tofu to steering wheels would be easy to sell, but nooo...!

People talk as if I can’t hear what they’re thinking

Why don't you come over tomorrow and I'll tweeze your eyebrows

I tried a few of 'em and those flies don't taste like fruit at all.

Today's view from the office.

Whole and Half are basically the same to me: Words that are spelled weird.

Not sure I'd consider 3-ply paper even 30% better then 2-ply... but 2-ply is WAY better than twice as good as any 1-ply I've ever had the displeasure to wipe with.

Thank goodness my mother smoked cigarettes instead of taking Tylenol when she was pregnant with me

*beats everyones ass*

The bay leaf is the tequila worm of cooked foods

Thanking you in advance for not starting your rap song with "yeah"

You can't tie a bow in a leash that short It'd have to be a knot. So just let it go.

Has anyone comprised a fanny pack yet…a list of the best ass cheeks on Bluesky?

- I don’t want to talk to your parents when I pick you up so can you just come out when I honk the horn? - You bought a car? - No, a horn.

Me: I’m on Blue Sky but I can’t think of any jokes Him: Just live your live and the jokes will write themselves

Christmas should be cheaper this year now that everyone is mad at each other

There's an unwritten rule among illiterates. Probably lots of them.

Can't. I'm having cheesecake a la mode