Scary Sporty Baby Posh

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My gammy who hailed from just outside OKC used to say ‘I don’t have high blood pressure, I give it‘ and man I miss that woman

Big Brother is watching, and they're charging you a monthly subscription

Save a dish! Ride a busboy.

Is the donald still pissed about not winning the palme d'or at last year's Cannes film festival?

12 step meeting for religious zealots. Hi! My name is Cam, and I'm a cathoholic.

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“I don’t know who you are but I like you. Stay tf out of my goddamn house,” I say to the footprints in the snow.

Engaged seems so ambiguous. Before jacking the car, be sure the parking brake is engaged. Sorry to keep you waiting. My previous engagement ran late. If you say "I'm betrothed", people think you're 380 years old. but they know exactly what you meant.

To quote my daughter, "I wish I could do backflips. That way, when someone asks me an awkward question, I can do a backflip and then walk away. They probably won't follow me."

There is no "wrong bathroom". Never has been. Never will be.

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shoot me from a cannon like one of your circus girls

I've been thinking about your truck a lot. It's not really gold... but certainly too warm a color to be called silver. Bronze, perhaps? anyway. It's basically a bronze silverado. and I think that's just too weird.

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I want to engage with the world

I just spent a full minute bouncing my eyes back and forth between "62-year-old Kansas man" and "18-year-old ex-wife"

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Passed a van today with a 3/4 vinyl wrap. Huge side lettering read "CleanPro" my mind went straight to: "DirtyAmateur" sounds more interesting. and I blame twitter for that.

Being self employed is hard, I’m not a good boss or employee

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😂😂😂 The largest recorded fatberg, nicknamed "Fatty McFatberg," was discovered in 9/2017 under Whitechapel, London. This massive blockage measured 250 m (820 ft) in length and weighed over 130 tonnes. It consisted of congealed fat, wet wipes, and sewage, requiring months to remove

Have you lost hundreds, maybe thousands, of great thoughts to post because there wasn't a 'drafts folder'? YOU may be entitled to 'drafts folder' compensation!

Whether you loved or hated the halftime show... it was the most entertaining part of Superbowl LX, imho I get the 'defence wins championships' angle. but I found the game a bit of a snooze fest

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Manatees are such innocent animals and should NEVER be abused. Human actions have made them vulnerable, and humans must help them recover. Shame on this woman! I am still, however, very concerned why the manatee was wearing a bikini.

Just found someone doing the old *follow everyone then unfollow them once they become mutuals to make it look like I have a huge fan base" trick. It doesn't fool anyone. Leave that 💩 back at the old place

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A rave for old people is called a hootenanny

Dang!!...such a crabby bunch tonight! Makes me feel better about my unreasonable mood.

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One would think being “in arrears” would be a pleasant thing. One would be wrong

"nobody's perfect" I whisper to myself as I give the evil eye to people I loath.

A halftime show is more upsetting to them than a rapist pedophile president…….

I often start my Saturday mornings with a splash of Irish cream in my coffee. This Saturday, though, I used candy cane cream left over from Christmas. yes. I'm out of Bailey's. anyway... It's not great. but it kills two birds with one stone. like pouring Scope in your morning coffee.

I was today's year old when I found out Flock of Seagull's '82 hit "I Ran" was about alien abduction

I'm not above admitting that I clicked on this immediately.

It's actually not that hard to be a Canadian. You should try it sometime.

Post your favorite “Lord of the Rings” character wrong answers only.

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Introduce yourself with 5 songs: 1. White Man in Hammersmith Palais - Clash 2. I Wanna' Be Sedated - Ramones 3. Six Months in a Leaky Boat - Split Enz 4. Sailin' On - Bad Brains 5. Many Rivers to Cross - Jimmy Cliff

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If I die, I want my remains to be scattered at the US Capitol. Do not cremate me.

Final destination..Death by bidet. Heated toilet seat edition.

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