When you absolutely, positively, have to get your holiday party guests the HELL out of your house

CIA Realizes It’s Been Using Black Highlighters All These Year theonion.com/cia-realizes...

We were at a happy hour and the bar had a jukebox and I stared at it and all I could think about was this hilarious article www.vice.com/en/article/i...

Trump Still Polling Well With Working-Class American Pedophiles  theonion.com/trump-still-...

John cena has been an ai bot this whole time. Crazy that people didn’t know that 🤼🤼‍♀️🤼‍♂️

One of the only things I like about this time of year is that someone always puts on a pro wrestling show called “seasons beatings” 🤼🤼‍♀️🤼‍♂️

let me change the margins, canva, you fuckin coward

This is one of my favorite matches because orange is peak orange, and Matty/grayson dances for like 5 minutes straight and at some point steps on orange’s nards. Great comedy match 🤼🤼‍♀️🤼‍♂️ youtu.be/N2ThOdaByWg

Wait is tomorrow Epstein files eve? How is everyone sleeping through the excitement???

The Baby-Sitters Club #32: Kristy and the Secret of Susan #books 📚💙

this song was posted 15 years ago but it still pops up in my brain rather frequently

We’ve got about $11,000 to go to hit our match fund challenge! Getting so close! Let’s get more folks out of immigration detention and home for the new year! actionnetwork.org/fundraising/...

Most of the time Susie wiles’ hair looks like a bird

Idk how pepper spray works, but I think the shits the next day should be more severe than the original ingestion, just like normal spicy stuff

i don't know who made this, sorry for lack of credit

this is not behavior becoming of a FIFA Peace Prize recipient.

Show me how your 2025 went.

Show me how your 2025 went.

i was looking for something on facebook and i saw someone on my friends list post that she was going to see louis ck and I wanted so badly to comment "woa, be careful!"

🖋️ “DO NOT block state-level AI regulation. Don't pander to big tech” hit 5,000 signers! 💬 Text SIGN PLBVXB to 50409

"the customer is always right" ruined america

In which some things haven't aged well, a few things are progressively, and other things have aged extremely poorly. #books 📚💙 open.substack.com/pub/amyacowa...

i have said this before but if you are actually interested in influencing people beyond a narrow circle of too-online journalists you will be making direct to camera videos on tiktok, instagram and youtube. if you primarily post on text-based social media then you're just dicking around.

people are mad at cena smiling while tapping out, oh so you've never been excited to quit a job? hahahaha 🤼🤼‍♂️🤼‍♀️

Buckle up Dem establishment, because me and my maximum wage tied to the minimum wage proposal are coming for your asses

I just found this sentence I wrote in 2012 and it made me laugh: "Here's the thing about the love of Christmas music: it's like chlamydia, feel free to share it with your loved ones, but keep me out of it."

Speeding on a highway is also dangerous! We have speed limits for a reason! Just don’t speed! if you speed don’t whine about the reasonable consequences!

dude i love when i have to do anti-harrassment videos at work. i use my brain 40 hours a week and you're now wanting to pay me to pay attention to a long boring video? hell ya, time to relax

Trump Blames High Prices On The Price

“All animals deserve Lambo, but some deserve more Lambo” Animal Farm by George Orwell

I can believe Russo ruining WWE, WCW, and TNA and certain points, but I really wish he wouldn’t destroy my beloved JCW Lunacy

SO WHAT - dashare.zone ADMIN

Okay gang, The Onion is 80 sign-ups away from our 60,000th print subscriber. This would put us in contention for the Top 10 most circulated newspapers in the U.S. So! We're giving our 60,000th subscriber a mystery box by our archivist as a nice lil thank you. Sign up now. I'd give it an hour.

Food package: Use within 7 days of opening My brain 🤼🤼‍♂️🤼‍♀️:

Make the little soda cans even littler, imma pretend this Dr Pepper is caviar

I chug a lot of black coffee in the morning but ngl the time I was at a Panera bread in San Jose and they had caffeine free Diet Coke in their machine and it was awesome. I just like having options lol

Storm doors are great! You never know when a storm will try to burglarize you

People keep wondering why they're going after Venezuela. It's because they want to do regime change and control its oil, then use a big tract of land there to keep a tax free "network state" that looks like Dubai but operates like Rhodesia. They are saying this out loud! Believe them!

this idea that ones twitter replies represent ANYTHING of note is a good example of how social media can fry the brains of the weak willed

I REFUSE to believe it's not butter, regardless of what the mainstream media tells me

jack johnson music sounds like the soundtrack to a chill funeral where everyone is happy the guy in the coffin is dead

Librarian “every book has its reader. I refuse to let you parent any other parent’s kid.” Parent “removing this book does not protect anyone. It only hides the experience” (of those who have experienced trauma).

Not sure what this elderly MAGA lady said but she seems determined to yell. Lone pity clap.

Hometown Unveils Disappointing Microbrewery https://theonion.com/hometown-unveils-disappointing-microbrewery/

This is why the best way to communicate a weird message is via letters cut out of a magazine

The only surefire way to stop oligarchs buying up the things we love is to drop those things the moment oligarchs buy them & that requires changing habits and massive self-discipline. It means going to alternatives that might not be quite as good or convenient. It’s really hard. But there it is.

You can’t pull me over: I’m a sovereign citizen of raider nation and you can only pull me over under maritime law and that’s in the ocean, brother

Fun art fair coming up at the press club in Sacramento! www.eventbrite.com/e/wasteland-... 👍