Turd Ferguson #mariners

Activating the prayer chain as I try to stir the dressing into this airport salad.

Critical lapse in judgment. Almost bought a pillow on Instagram and now they’re after me.

If you grew up in the 80s/90s like I did, you can probably remember the year where most of your money and time was going towards mastering the boomerang.

I could do 26 straight hours on this

I’d sooner have the door fly off this flight

Okay but what might the impact be on podcasting?

@walsh.bsky.social promises made, promises kept. #ViceGrips

Costco and Trader Joes are yin and yang. Together they form a harmonious balance. One sells big piles of normal food, the other sells small piles of weird food. These are the two food piles people need

Real question: have you hugged your scale today?

Just wrapped a 1 hour conversation with my mom trying to figure out the movie she liked called “Guilt” starring “that really good gay actor, he’s dead now”. The movie was “Doubt” featuring Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Excited to see Severance finally entering its “Spies Like Us” phase

Always have been, always will be.

When I’m accidentally FaceTiming someone.

Uh oh.

Watching Severance, like Kier intended.

I have, not, and likely will never know if it’s Seth Meyer or Seth Meyers.

Finally some good news.

Oh no how will we soldier on

Any tips/tricks for keeping this Star Jasmine alive indoors until spring?

Can't believe I have to root for the Eagles I am literally shaking rn

Starting to roux my decision to make gumbo tonight

Absolute travesty this team was eliminated so early.

Citizen Kane starring me but as I die I whisper “Not Fucking Now Zoom Update”

(standing in a neighborhood destroyed by fire, shouting through a bullhorn at crying families searching through the rubble of their lives) You can have money and water as soon as California declares that there are only two genders

Boutique Brand Activation otw to San Diego. @chrislhayes.bsky.social

I love local journalism and I don’t care who knows.

I think I speak for all novice cooks looking to the internet for help, yes, we’re skipping to the recipe.

Supposedly there are no unique sentences left, in terms of a string of words never before combined but I think I found one: “Oh good, Common is in this”

My longest, and most toxic relationship is the 14 years I’ve spent with my Sonos speakers

Being 48 has its drawbacks, but on the plus side, I stepped in dogshit the other day and realized, “I can just throw these shoes away” absolute game changer

My Jimmy Carter story is I was interviewing him and Roselynn for a piece, and we were all flying from Vegas to Atlanta on Southwest (a thing they really did, a lot) and they introduced themselves to each passenger. I’d say .06% of the flight recognized them. Still though, a very down to earth move

The progression from “doesn’t need glasses guy” to “needs glasses guy” to “where the fuck are my glasses guy” is real quick

Season 6 of Arrested Development is… gritty

Conversation with my mom today Mom: do you want us to bring over all this leftover pulled pork to your house tomorrow?” Me: well I don’t really eat pork Mom: Even if it’s pulled? Me: yeah even then

Salute to the real heroes. The guys buying Xmas trees at 3:40pm on Dec 24

Buffalo Wings are the only bar food served w/ a mandatory side of veggies. When you order them the bartender knows you’re a person of high moral character who considers their body a temple.

Like Haley’s Comet, once every 75 years this cat is kind of not annoying.

Growing up in the 1980s means one of your top three fears is getting arrested for leaving the dome light on for more than 2 seconds while driving.

If you’re ever looking for some Christmas music that achieves the impossible of being both familiar but also new, please check “A Very Rosie Christmas” (it’s 20 years old that’s my idea of new)

About once every 3 years, for no particular reason, I remember that one of the dudes from The Clash just went off and made Big Audio Dynamite as like, a lark, and it absolutely rules. Zero notes Mick Jones

I’m not mad at you, it’s just that your Android phone means I can’t edit my texts to you so our friendship is over that’s all

a karen from reddit said the shen yun app is rated t for teen. pleased to report its rated e for everyone & offers 5000yrs of history reborn

A long and productive run as the top search result comes to an end.

Wow, gold, frankincense, AND myrrh. This is so great. My wife’s boyfriend’s baby is going to love it. Thank you so much.

This guy getting caught because he was trying to smash is an all-timer

Nothing makes me more proud of my daughter than her overly specific directions for the Thanksgiving Day playlist