Zohran Mamdani is NEVER leaving office, it’s genuinely all sunshine and rainbows in NYC #Knicks

If I ever get poisoned I hope I at least have the wherewithal to say “I’ve heard of drinking yourself to death, but this is ridiculous!”

@samreich.bsky.social I’m not sure if Smosh is in the market for a permanent home for Smosh Hospital / Smosh the Sitcom?

This guy has to be my second least favorite drake

Being 17 and not really having friends is scary because now I have to consider what it would say about me if I immediately joined a dating app upon turning 18

New activity just dropped, Classical Poetry or Scatman John

Joker Mark Hamill and Luke Skywalker Mark Hamill are two different guys in my mind. Same applies to Willy Wonka Johnny Depp and every other Johnny Depp

Bisexual couples after a break up

I want to make a Batman costume, how do I buy body armor without getting put on a list

walking through the valley in the shadow of death, don’t hmu

I was really hoping I’d like REPO! The Genetic Opera but… Jesus Christ

When the girl from The Ring isn’t really feeling it

Me after that bastard Jacob blew up my Minecraft house

Noah after a brief crisis of faith caused by everyone making fun of him about the Ark

Steve when I make a goddamn fool out of myself in front of Blue

We have lived a year under the tyranny of Moo Deng

Me, only halfway through the first book I bought

Mister GriiiiiiINCH

(MCU Mephisto making a deal with Spider-Man voice) your wife

comforting: lenny bruce is not afraid

Male dog who always talks about his “bitch wife” who he actually loves very much. Is this anything

BREAKING: Vatican confirms new pope as weevil on the steeple, found amongst the people

Everyone in Star Trek is a human they're just wearing makeup

If I hear one person tell me it’s “Revenge of the Fifth” today it might be the final straw

I’m choosing to assume that Poilievre is just the French word for politics because I’ll never forfeit my dream of United States President Jonathan Q. Politics

Cab Calloway: This here's a story 'bout Minnie the Moocher Minnie the Moocher's Son (in the audience): Aw, that's nice Cab: She was a low-down hoochie-coocher Son: No! No!!!

Medieval guy halfway through sex

how about you kids Switch 2 reading a gosh dang book for once

What has occurred this week chocologically can never happen again

Financial Experts Recommend Diversifying Portfolio With Multiple Harebrained Schemes theonion.com/financi...

John Carpenter’s The Thing but at a conclave

I wish none of this was real and I was in an alternate universe watching my favorite show, The Wacky Adventures of J.D. Vance

I wish life would stop throwing all these curveballs *life throws a fastball* wow that was actually a lot faster than I thought it would be *life lobs one underhand* okay much better but I totally wasn’t ready so *lemon hits me in the face* it burns

🎵 life is like a hurricane / here in duckburg / flat beaks, quackers, budget cranes / those are duck slurs 🎶

Daniel circa 2 minutes after meeting lions

A clown circa 5 seconds after they won the lottery

Jon Bon Jovi circa 1985:

Zeus to Hades and Poseidon, circa 0

I wanted to name him Penis Lesbian Car after my father but the missus preferred Dick Van Dyke

Oh to be at the Yo Gabba Gabba Coachella rave

My coworker referred to “granola people” and I confidently remarked “Quakers”

markets soar as investors realize that mommy didn't actually disappear, she was just hiding behind her hands

Alfonso Ribeiro when they all refuse to dance

Happy April Fool’s Day, everyone. I’m straight and I think that The Master of Disguise (2002) is a horrible movie.

Hi, I’d like to return this dog. He doesn’t play basketball