Hungrily wagging my fingers like a husky cartoon character about to eat a big cake saying "well heh heh hmm hmm don't mind if I do" before I eat my wife's pussy

[a single agonizing scream at the top of my lungs until I almost pass out] ok time to lock in fr

'Boromir would have worn them better'

If I use the hose extension of one vacuum to clean dust off my Roomba is that... like sexual for the vacuums?

experience true ego death with NyQuil by Vicks from the insane twisted nightmare realm of Procter & Gamble

New reaction pic just dropped for when you didn't know something was happening

Re -cycle -use -new -turn

all the spreadsheets I've had to make for work each hold a single clue to the mystery of my murder

When I was a kid I used to have a little Diddy Kong stuffy that I'd insist on sleeping with every night for like 2 years, but then I grew up & now I only sleep with him a couple nights a week

*seductively swallows my Excedrin migraine pills*

thoughts and prayers daddy has a cluster headache

SO KEEP THE BLOOD IN YOUR HEAD AND KEEP YOUR FEET ON THE GROUND TODAY'S THE DAY WE GET TIRED TODAY'S THE DAY WE DROPPED OUT

Apparently there are 6 planets in retrograde right now so I guess this is all to be expected

half my timeline rn

A lot of people discovering breath play this morning. Godspeed.

Saturday morning ear worm youtu.be/RBeFu5E4sLI?...

I'll ring your banana phone

"Self-care"? I sure hope it does!

my main kink is that I like it the best when you're nice to me

Pretending I'm sleeping in my car after lunch so my boss has to come out and carry me to my office

staring at the blank page before you, open up that dirty, filthy ass fucking window, let the sun illuminate the words that you cannot find

We all take a few minutes to practice smiling in the mirror because we're afraid we don't mimic neurotypical human facial expressions

Can you imagine getting castrated by your son Cronos and from the blood of your wound sprang forth monsters?

focusing friday

"Self-care"? I sure hope it does!

when you wake up in the morning and y- [I am yanked off stage by a giant hook]

*cw: being in my feelings* holiday season always does such a good job of reminding how little my family, and in-laws especially, care to be around me at all like holy shit

I wish I had better words, you deserve to survive & the chance to thrive, living your life is an act of resistance, for those we've lost #tdor

remember when FB's search and post fields were nearly identical and the Marks and Janices would accidentally post shit like "big titty fuckers free" and "fake death life insurance how"

They're in the wooooooooo9ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo99oooooooooooooooo9ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo9oooooooooooooooooooooods

start your day off with the soothing voice of John Cale, some candle wax play, and a vulture jumping on the bed

Lawyer Bud He might be just a golden retriever, but he's one of the best goddamn court appointed attorneys you're gonna get

You are not asking for too much from your partner when you're simply requesting to be listened to when you speak. Don't try to talk them into caring, they should want to care. It should just come naturally.

There will always be a watchman at the gate of the old True Blood house in Shreveport, LA

steampunk police officer: [cranking a giant wheel to close the door to the prison cell] me: [turns on tiny little steam engines on my shoes to run really fast out of the cell] steampunk police: what the cog! you get back here you little sprocket! [gears and steam bells whistling as he falls over]

I'm just like if a boy was a wild dog that loves affection but will bite you a little bit

What a big stinking lot of miscreants, ne'er-do-wells, and wastrels

not now kitten, you scratched a blood vessel really hard and daddy's losing a lot of blood

steampunk police officer: [cranking a giant wheel to close the door to the prison cell] me: [turns on tiny little steam engines on my shoes to run really fast out of the cell] steampunk police: what the cog! you get back here you little sprocket! [gears and steam bells whistling as he falls over]

I mainly just use my alt as an outlet to practice my creative writing

I know a therapist hates to see me coming

The main reason I wanted to be present for the birth of my kids was just in case they ended up being vampire babies and needed my blood for frenzy feeding

[through chopstick walrus tusks] divorth?

Being a parent has taught me that I was always easy to love

He's right behind me isn't he

romcom protagonist who swore she gave up baking but now she's finally decided to use her grandmother's recipe instead of following all the heartless rules from Baking School and she ends up being the town fair baking champion because the real lesson was baking from the heart

"Hey does anyone know if th-" let me stop you right there no one knows anything

as doubting Thomas said: "I won't believe in Jesus until I put my fingers directly in his holes"