jesus christ net worth

combination bidet / soda fountain

who else been pissin sitting down for years now?? ✋✋✋

quick update: the man makig dog noises outside my apt ended up being just a dog. to all Gorgeous women who DMed me asking if im ok—thank you

STOP reading books and START drinking paint

starting a latestt trend— sodomy tuesday

butter - someone who butts

let’s hope loving God & each other is the next pandemic 🙌❤️

nuts are the titties of the dick

The best thing I’ve ever seen on the internet

Guy from Memento in a job interview: Can you explain this gap on my resume?

the heart wants what the heart wants (to fuck up woody allen)

When playing chess, one of the most devastating moves your opponent can play is the dreaded check mate. This pretty much fucks you

the best posters in the world are the ones who see a post that just says "yabba dabba doo!" and reply "why did i read this in the flintstones voice 😂"

when a police man says hes going to give you a hot meal that means hell shoot you. the hot meal is a bullet. they call it Police mans dinner

liberals are like "we should have a mindful conversation with the Grinch about stakeholders and equity" he's the grinch! he's stealing your christmas presents! kill him!

you’re laughing. my phone fell in the shower when i got a message and i almost hit video call while standing right over the camera and exposing my hairy gut dick nut balls and taint when i was picking it up and you’re laughing

what if john mayer ran for mayor and he won? then what? we’d have to call him mayor mayer? fuck that i’d rather die

finding corn in your poo is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is strange if you haven’t eaten corn lately 🤔

anal eyes analyze anal lies

Sir, this is a W— Damn

I bet “I’ve gotta meet with my parole officer” is a great excuse to get out of anything

Don’t put “no sugar added” on the label. You should be ashamed

Me, at a black tie work function, trying to contribute to the conversation: There was an episode of fresh prince that covered this very topic.

I’m proud to announce the first edition of my newsletter, SEX & GOLF TIPS WEEKLY, will be released this week!! Can’t wait? Here’s a sneak peek: if you can’t find the hole, get your partner to help!

getting a boner at a stoplight is so humiliating. now all these people need to watch me take care of this thing and there’s nothin i can do about that

Kind of wild that there’s essentially no way to sound intelligent whilst perceptibly shitting your pants

Almost at 500 followers! Can I get 19 more follow spam bots out there to keep artificially boosting my numbers?? 😍🥰😘

man i was high as hell when i ordered the mario lopez dude wipes

Sandwich spreads powered by Bitcoin

(Acdc voice) i’m back in bed

Crab man didn't commit any murders tonight because he was busy drinking pee

“He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?” I guess not. That is pretty direct communication. 💯

i’m voting for kamala harris in a swing state so that elon musk might kill him self

Walking too fast in the house and almost fracturing my toe on a tv food tray

I am Believing every positive thing I read online today Idgaf

You know that doctors office tongue depressor smell? What’s up with that? Wish i could smell it right now

If my morning bowel movement is any indicator, today’s gonna be a good day

Being a reply guy works backwards from most posting trends. You start with big accounts, and work your way backwards until you’re weighing in on the innermost thoughts of a guy with <10 followers

It’s time to have a frank discussion about the childishness. We have to stop the coddling and start talking about when they’re going to meaningfully contribute to society and stop causing so much drama. - me, to my friend, about his 9 month old baby

wow, i cannot believe that football or baseball or basketball play! (will repost as needed)

I guess half the country is okay with being talked to like children? This is legitimately on the level of saying there are monsters under the bed that will eat you if you vote for my opponent

Judge Judy should be on the Supreme Court

If I had a band I’d have one song called MOSHPIT DIPSHIT and it’d be the only song where mosh pits are allowed and it’d just be a song making fun of them

three in one shampoo, conditioner, and sports drink

Once again, this guy is such a fucking freak and it’s such a visual representation of how desensitized we are