*gestures awkwardly* ' look at the shit-splitter on this bloke '

this is an A and B conversation so C U next tuesday

marmaduke had to be put down after biting dennis the menace

maybe don't look a shit horse in the butt

eating a berserker mushroom before walking in to Golden Corral

I wanna get surprised by your smelly blanket but I wasn't

grocery is out of breast milk ahead of the snowstorm but your mom's house sure ain't

Voldo is sassy Vega

the proctologist Kubrick stared up my butthole and said I have about a thousand years to live

eight hours and twelve minutes from now

playing spin the bottle with all my past lives

gravy dominatrix* *you'll thank me later, mashed potater

*leaving the ER* 'see ya later ventilator' 'after while hemophile'

a lot of ghosts dont weigh right and either float off to space or sink thru the earths crust

we used to do 7 minutes in heaven but with a python choking us in a closet

I sometimes get carried off by bees and wake up at the bottom of the ocean

you'd find me behind a waterfall like a legendary character only to realize I'm your deadbeat uncle

that quarked up white girl lepton my boson

can tell you grew up with a rumpus room

wearing a skimpy barrel with suspenders

Pennywise reverse waffle stomping a dookie right back at ya

not all floods are bad news but most of them are bad news

sixteen people in michigan want to punch you

I saw the guy from Space Funeral 5 at the premier of Space Funeral 6 and I says 'hey guy from Space Funeral 5 whaddya think about Space Funeral 6?' but turns out there is no Space Funeral 6

the Easter Island heads were being defeated by a giant sheet of paper until 2 of them scissored and the paper was destroyed

for Christmas I'm going to beat you into your constituent elements

I'm starring in the local community theater production of Pootie Tang

rubbing some hot stink on the back of your hand while you sleep

conscripting a gargoyle to patrol the garbage dump while I'm backpacking thru europe

a neutrino that passed thru Shakespeare's butt just went thru yours

I go digging around in needle disposal bins for leftover Halloween candy. Haven't found any yet but ya never know

the first horse had to be freaking the fuck out about being the first horse

babies should stop laughing so loud, ain't nuthin that funny

I can't tie a tie but you can't fart a fart. We are not the same

the lady playing the church organ was gooping up her veej and sliding around the bench like a melting ice cube

packing some travel sized generational trauma for the lake trip

college roommate pranked my ass by leaving a hungry hippo at the foot of my futon while I napped off a robotrip

Edgar round the corner has blood. has pretty darn good blood as a matter of fact

when kids would die at our high school we'd replace them with beach balls

you're dressed like you're about to interview a tree

anal eyes analyze anal lies

yeah his arm's thor, thor from carrying that big ass hammer - Mike Tyson

removing my fish costume to reveal I actually am a fish, but a different fish

if you knocked all the teeth out of a zombie I bet it could eat some mean ass. might as well have a lil fun in the apocalypse

if horses had their dicks on top of them there'd be a lot more jockeys

I have a castrated choir that sings my walkup song at minor league baseball games

there was this kid at recess that could piss all the way up the tube slide with enough velocity to launch across the monkey bars

what if on our first date I picked you up in a dirigible but our families hadn't settled their blood feud

nothing more disappointing than a bad air hockey table

after breaking my penis at bobsled practice I was treated by Dr Seuss and now have a series of horns and bells attached to my undercarriage