calling the first base coach a virgin

when I was writing jokes for Carrot Top I gave him a briefcase full of canned meat and told him to say he is looking for an email and then open up his 'spam folder' and a picture of a dick would fall out and then he'd say well I guess it went to my 'junk email'

wearing a fedora to my arraignment and a 3 wolf shirt full howling moon style peeking just barely over my trenchcoat collar, vibing on pure logic as my haters self immolate

you don't miss slime until it's too dry for slime and then you pine for slime and then you slime your pine pining for slime

I was having Suicidal Tendencies so I decided to see Great White live

would you rather lick a public toilet seat or snort a line of fire ants and yes your naked parents are watching you

waterbeds keep me from getting up in the middle of the night to pee since I can just roll over and top it off

Cruella de Vil also had a lab coat

best part of flying a kite is the tug. if you know you know

arm wrestling a photosensitive orphan at high noon

I'd consider bowling a perfect game to be knocking down 4 cans of opened stale ginger ales with a dropped remote

having good soil is important if you think one day you'll have to dig your own grave

watching season 3 of One Punch Man is like checking out one of these book/cassette combos from the library as a kid

any pork chop can be bone-in if you hand it to me

and this is our niece Ballgag Pattycake, she's allergic to super collider interactions that don't promote higgs boson zero spin

wheelchair backflip seems like a good way to end up in a wheelchair

tommyknockers are a type of fartknocker but not all fartknockers are tommyknockers

Thurston Moore after eating pretzels

'lederhosen' is how you say goodbye at a German strip club

snooch that taste like a church basement hotdog

boomerangs are frisbees for lonely folks

lunar megafauna is some of the biggest cheese around so I had to hunt them all to extinction

thinking of starting a rec league Peenies association, anybody wanna join ??

gumby jerkin off while his gummy worm and arm keep getting longer as he pulls

selling a conjoined twin sized bed that's shaped like a ' Y '

the Lesser Antilles have definitely got some form of inferiority complex

Ghost Rider is the hottest leather daddy

particles don't intimidate me but some railroad genius says they should so who knows

everybody's connected when a bobsled is involved. don't trust the autopsy

they clapped when you were airlifted outta prison. they wept when you found a hidden dimension. dang ole duality of man, man

sea turtles actually love plastic six pack rings on account of the auto erotic asphyxiation. how you think the ocean got salty ??

they caught aliens smooching on the moon and they was just wearing 1 big shirt

my Wiping With Christ coloring book has been translated into more than zero languages. that dog got skinny ankles, that dog gonna stumble

every person on earth can trace their lineage back to an old wooden ladder

I want to freaky friday with a teenager so Seinfeld can take me to prom

sneaking a tiny cake inside a regular cake for my girlfriend in prison

ballot initiative to rename Wednesday to 2sday for double the taco deals per week

I'm making you a stretcher out of your own bones

girl is your daddy a small gas engine cause when I think about you I want two-stroke

CeeLo is the opposite of Hi-C

a nuke that gets goldfish pregnant instead of inspiring kaiju

before ben franklin invented electricity lightning was made out of beef stew

none-Chuck

James Van Der Beak dies in a bar before paying. The bartender yells for help and Van Der Beak's ghost rises from his body and says 'don't worry, put it on my bill'

I don't think he's such a bad guy, he has a really good heart. It's in great shape from all the murdering he does

I used to shoot BB's at the jerk neighbor buzzing around in an ultra-light but it turned out to just be a wheelchair guy and I have ground-level blindness

breakfast lunch meat for dinner was your mom's nickname in wizard school

getting snooch from a magic houseplant

please, Whopper is my father. I'm Whopper Jr

front wedgies on girls are called hedgies