would it kill dmv to get a fuckin ring light?

i travel with my own pillowcase. not high-maintenance- just pre-disappointed.

I’m not using my turn signal anymore. It’s none of your business where I’m going.

i feel like they’re rolling their eyes, making the jerk off motion at me.

thanks for sharing your moon with me on instagram. we don't have a moon where i live.

without looking crazy, how long can you wave your hands under a paper towel dispenser until you realize it's a manual one? (pls say 30 secs)

There should be a three day waiting period before you can buy an acoustic guitar

“fuck you, elderly people!” -restaurants with QR codes for menus

“I’m going to kamikaze-attack you with my ass knife now.” -bees

thank you for the thank you card. can we end this thank you cycle now?

my tax man asked me why my W-2s smell like french fries, in case you’re wondering how the new year’s going.

giving a $25 gift card for pottery barn is a good way of letting someone know you don’t want them having anything from pottery barn.

january 1st: this is the year i turn it all around & get healthy! january 2nd: ran out of sugar so i put lucky charms marshmallows in my coffee

happy valentine’s day, everyone!

sorry i didn't read the entire 3 paragraphs you posted on instagram below your picture, but i liked it anyway because i trust you.

i always know when something i say is hilarious because my mom says “that’s not funny, erica.”

showering and then putting on my daytime pajamas

it doesn’t matter how many stars a hotel has. you’ll always find one star hotel people in the pool.

hiking is not a hobby. it’s what you do when you run out of gas.

It’s hard to dunk on cyber truck owners any worse than what they regularly do to themselves

this elderly couple doesn’t have gps, so i drew them a map on a cocktail napkin like a goddamn conquistador.

i sense my dad’s crushing disappointment that i don’t know wtf an orbital palm sander is, but i can sure think of 3 dick jokes about it.

i guess i’ve reached ‘hangover me feels exactly like regular me’ years old.

When will they invent a drug you can take that fixes other people

i’m ‘swallow my vitamins with a swig of beer’ kind of healthy.

“Christmas Cracker” is what they call Santa Claus in England

But do you recall The most famous reindeer of all?

never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table. it’s what they want.

my coworker just bought herself a handbag for $2200 and there wasn’t even any cocaine in it.

had no idea which dentist to go to until i saw a flyer on a utility box outside taco bell.

imagine eating an entire box of fruity pebbles before being murdered. what an embarrassing autopsy that would be.

6yo: What’s it like being a grown up? Me: Remember when Nana gave you a birthday card with no money in it?

spread holiday cheer by not parking like an asshole.

Carry On (suspense/thriller): A passenger’s neck pillow now counts as a carry on item? For real? You gotta be kidding me with this shit. This is why everybody hates you assholes. No, YOU’RE out of line!!!

“share” size peanut m&m’s puts way too much pressure on me to be a good person.

every scooby doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

She was rare, like a sensible Tesla driver

overheard a lady telling security her drink was drugged & now i’m annoyed because i had no idea i could order one that way.

I won’t be making it to your party. All I have are beautiful Christmas sweaters.

Kids say the funniest things. Today our 4-year-old said, “A n g e l s s h a l l t r e m b l e a t m y m e r c i l e s s w r a t h”

i bet the worst part of being a mall santa is trying to find a pair of boots to comfortably accommodate the ankle monitor.

if you need a meatloaf recipe or advice on tarnish removal, just ask an elderly person for directions to the nearest gas station.

Different vibe entirely if he was just Bill Wonka, damned glad to meet you. Firm handshake. Knows your grandad.

if i pull these 'one size fits all' tights up any higher, i guess i’ll be doing a bank robbery.

putting a “?” as the ending time on a party invitation is a good way of letting everyone know you’re an alcoholic.

my favorite part of slamming the door & making a dramatic exit is when i have to sneak back in to get my keys.

i’ve never been interrogated by police, but i have tried buying a 2nd box of Claritin D in less than a month, so i get it.

got all the gifts under the tree

a christmas parade but it’s going the speed limit