Movie theater etiquette is dead, but I paid $50 for the ticket, popcorn and a soda. You're dead too if you're talking near me.

Every year I forget about mosquitos, but they never forget about me.

I don’t get people who listen to podcasts at x2 speed. It just feels like hanging out with people on coke.

Installing multiple stripper poles in my apartment so I can put up a hammock.

Sex is like pizza. I'll eat your crust.

My dog has a podcast but it’s just her licking her foot for 45 minutes.

If kids didn't like looking for eggs they wouldn't be here. Easter egg hunts are just leftover sperm instinct.

If you’re sitting near the remote it’s your job to press mute when the commercials come on.

I need a coffee so bold it wants to marry me without my tather's permission.

It's hard to use the word tertiary in a sentence without sounding like the Swedish Chef.

I bet squirrel milk has a lil caffeine in it. I need some squilk.

I'm terrible at responding to texts and emails. Thank god I didn't live during medieval times. Just piles of dead ravens clogging up my house.

The One Ring from Lord of the Rings only its my phone without its case trying to get to the sidewalk.

Sorry I didn't respond to your text. I'm hunting you for sport.

I know it’s weirdly specific by my happy place is a British person saying “walnut”

You're supposed to eat the heels of the bread last. They're your punishment for not buying more bread.

Away games for non athletes are when you’ve gotten used to using a bidet at home but then have to poop somewhere without one.

You know.

It's not fair us hairy guys can't rock a Speedo. I want to be a sexy Euro but my junk just looks like someone taped a squirrel to a wall.

Hockey should have one figure skater on each team just twizzling out mid ice like the kid who would pick flowers in the outfield during t-ball.

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

Nothing funnier than a city paying millions of dollars to put in bike lanes everywhere only for them to become Doordash parking lanes.

Kid Rock makes music for people who always look wet but never shower.

Went on a morning hike. Nature is amazing. It's so crazy how many different types of birds there are, and somehow all of them suck.

A documentary where I interview people who back into spots in parking lots and help them get their lives back on track.

There's power lines right outside my bedroom window. The squirrels use them as a highway. Today one stopped near my window and made eye contact with me while I was masturbating. Not gonna lie it was pretty intense. I hope that's not my kink now. Gonna be hard to replicate that.

Sometimes when I'm feeling bad about myself, I'm reminded that there are serial killers out there, and one day they'l probably have a Nettlix series, and I won't. This didn't help.

I picked a dead bee up off the windowsill today. Up close, they're really quite beautiful. Although, beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.

Just because you don't like something doesn't mean it sucks. It's just not for you. But let me be clear. Cold weather flip-flop guy sucks.

Anus would be a solid boys name if it didn't mean butthole.

All I need are my dogs.

She had a smile like the sun, yellow and hard to look at.

The flowchart my brain has to go through before safely farting gets longer every year.

Yes, as a matter of fact I was wearing this shirt yesterday. I only have like 4 shirts, and I don't really appreciate your judgment. "OH LOOK AT ME I'M BIG JOHNNY 10 SHIRTS." NOT EVERYONE HAS YOUR FRIVOLOUS SHIRT BUDGET, BRO.

I have no patience for pomegranates. I don't have time to solve your fruit puzzle.

Don't waste your Sunday evening worrying about your weekend almost ending. Instead, worry that tonight is the night you find out the ghost who grabs your feet at the end of the bed is real.

The good stuff.

My dog if she got 3 wishes.

Send help.

The most annoying haunting would be in a studio apartment. Like, bro, I see you.

I hate when I think about breathing so then I have to manually breath for a few minutes until I think about something else and it goes back on autopilot.

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

If you got the calves for it…

I'm a "hahaha" person living in a "lol" world.

I like arugula because it's good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

Sweatpants and a flannel. So woodsy and cozy. Look out, world. Here comes the Slumberjack.

Call me a slumberjack the way I be sawing these logs.

My top comics from @primawesomecomics on IG in 2025.

Strive for perfection.

Enjoy your New Year's Eve party. I'll be hunkered down with my dog being traumatized by fireworks like she's in a WWI trench.