Sometimes when I'm feeling bad about myself, I'm reminded that there are serial killers out there, and one day they'l probably have a Nettlix series, and I won't. This didn't help.

I picked a dead bee up off the windowsill today. Up close, they're really quite beautiful. Although, beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.

Just because you don't like something doesn't mean it sucks. It's just not for you. But let me be clear. Cold weather flip-flop guy sucks.

Anus would be a solid boys name if it didn't mean butthole.

All I need are my dogs.

She had a smile like the sun, yellow and hard to look at.

The flowchart my brain has to go through before safely farting gets longer every year.

Yes, as a matter of fact I was wearing this shirt yesterday. I only have like 4 shirts, and I don't really appreciate your judgment. "OH LOOK AT ME I'M BIG JOHNNY 10 SHIRTS." NOT EVERYONE HAS YOUR FRIVOLOUS SHIRT BUDGET, BRO.

I have no patience for pomegranates. I don't have time to solve your fruit puzzle.

Don't waste your Sunday evening worrying about your weekend almost ending. Instead, worry that tonight is the night you find out the ghost who grabs your feet at the end of the bed is real.

The good stuff.

My dog if she got 3 wishes.

Send help.

The most annoying haunting would be in a studio apartment. Like, bro, I see you.

I hate when I think about breathing so then I have to manually breath for a few minutes until I think about something else and it goes back on autopilot.

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

If you got the calves for it…

I'm a "hahaha" person living in a "lol" world.

I like arugula because it's good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

Sweatpants and a flannel. So woodsy and cozy. Look out, world. Here comes the Slumberjack.

Call me a slumberjack the way I be sawing these logs.

My top comics from @primawesomecomics on IG in 2025.

Strive for perfection.

Enjoy your New Year's Eve party. I'll be hunkered down with my dog being traumatized by fireworks like she's in a WWI trench.

There if you need it.

Eggnog has got to be one of the top 5 nogs.

If anyone is looking for a last minute Christmas gift for me I would love to be hunted for sport.

No sequel here.

If you’re ever worried you suck at talking to women, one time on a first date a woman said I have nice bone structure so I said she could have my skull when I’m dead.

I thought trimming my beard like Wolverine would make me look cool but | just look like his fat Italian cousin Wolveroni.

You ever take one of those pointy poops? One that's thick and feels like it's made out of crushed up tortilla chips? Right as it's coming out you feel the scratching and you're like "oh man I'm gonna knock a lot of pictures off the wall getting this couch out the back door."

He got game.

Holiday parties in the Midwest are great because someone will bring a casserole dish of gummy bears with cake frosting on it and be like "oh you like that? that's my gran's Christmas salad."

You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer but you can't take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?

They’re gorgeous.

Take it back.

Legolas’ early years internship.

My Christmas tree will die slowly on display. Just like Jesus.

My 20s: *sees NBA player wearing custom shoes at game* I need those shoes. My 40s: *sees 90 year old woman wearing Reebok’s at a Pho restaurant* Those must be comfortable.

Hey baby does the carpet match the ugly Christmas sweater?

The real war on Christmas is when the US government finds out there's oil in the North Pole.

It’s all I want.

ACAB includes reindeer gatekeeping reindeer games.

ACAB includes The Grinch.

“I said put your shoes back on, heathen.”

A deal is a deal.

The dam is about to burst.

I ate so much yesterday I should probably drink my coffee on the toilet this morning.

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

I thought Canadian Thanksgiving was a sex move.