My 20s: *sees NBA player wearing custom shoes at game* I need those shoes. My 40s: *sees 90 year old woman wearing Reebok’s at a Pho restaurant* Those must be comfortable.

Hey baby does the carpet match the ugly Christmas sweater?

The real war on Christmas is when the US government finds out there's oil in the North Pole.

It’s all I want.

ACAB includes reindeer gatekeeping reindeer games.

ACAB includes The Grinch.

“I said put your shoes back on, heathen.”

A deal is a deal.

The dam is about to burst.

I ate so much yesterday I should probably drink my coffee on the toilet this morning.

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

I thought Canadian Thanksgiving was a sex move.

It should be a rule.

While my family argues at Thanksgiving dinner, I'll be on the roof taking on our real enemy. Birds. "We're eating one of you in here!" I yell, shaking my fist at the sky.

The only home I can afford.

I should be able to barter dinosaur jokes for healthcare.

Love being the guy who still wears shorts in winter. Laugh all you want. I save 50% on pants. “There he goes. Ol’ thermos legs.” I can’t hear you. I’m too rich and my legs are too warm.

So brave.

Remember when someone would throw up at school so the janitor would dump a pile of sawdust on it? That's what Subway's bread smells like.

If in doubt, go big.

Perfect date: Holding hands while we walk around town clotheslining people who stop to look at their phone in the middle of the sidewalk.

Booty sneezes will get you.

She’s got me covered.

Half of my screen time is just looking through all the funny videos my girlfriend sends me so I can finally look for new ones to send her. Relationships aren't work if you love the grind.

Trader Joe’s mixes flavors like they’re trying every combination on a lock.

Are you ever so tired in the morning you don’t even remember driving to work? That how I feel about the last 10 years.

Honestly it could be.

Depression ain’t just a river in Megypt

Everyone’s back hurts and we pay taxes. Walking upright was a mistake.

I’ve only said “I love you” to a couple people and meant it but also every single dog.

It’s important.

I’m kind, not friendly. There’s a difference.

Smell casting.

Every time.

Just found my first grey pube. Gonna tape it to my wall like a small business’ first dollar.

A dog’s ear will clean your iPhone screen as well as any microfiber cloth.

I mean, they really should.

Fool me once…

hello I cannot come to work today I am busy thinking about sad ghost pigeons slowly sinking down through the statues they loved to sit on in life

Horse girl.

Live your truth, Ghost Wrestler.

Bugles and candy corn should really do a werewolf fingers collab.

The life I want.

My comics are on Tumblr now if that’s your jam. www.tumblr.com/primawesomec...

Survive and adapt.

I know how it tastes because I’d never give my dog something I wouldn’t try myself.

It’s a process.

Really wakes you up.

2025 Fall Olympics: - artistic pumpkin stabbing - candle overspending - socks on wooden floor freestyle - non ironic wood chopping - sweatpants & movie marathon - wrestling (with the idea of having that 3rd donut) - doubles flanneling

A diet that works.