Handgela and I have a great Valentine's Day planned

google is a ouija board when the person who answered the question is dead.

Coming up with captions for pictures of my ass is more difficult than I had imagined

If you don't know who Bill Withers is then it's only going to be a one night stand. I have standards

I’ll just answer that email after this coffee, and other lies I’m telling myself this morning.

Remember to pick the lent out of your bush today

penis is short for penisaurus

im a daytime midweek bowling alley ten.

I’m the MacGyver of connecting dots seemingly out of nowhere

i see dead people’s dicks *my dixth sense*

If by lewds, you mean me in my white castle t-shirt, then, yes, I have lewds.

jockey: owner: mind if i pay you under the stable

It's awfully drafty living in this house of cards.

If we start dating now, I'll still be able to make Valentine's dinner reservations at White Castle

carbs are like that naughty friend who calls after you’ve gotten your life together

"I need a brand new friend who doesn't bother me"

Telling me who’s gonna be there isn’t gonna make me wanna go more…

Happy Bone Thugs N Harmony Day

Crip walking to the coffee pot

If dog not allowed on couch why is couch dog shaped

Jokes on you! That's a stolen sweet potato in my pocket

I choose my pets by the level of derp they have

you'll have to peel the jarlic from my cold dead hands

My left butt cheek is twitching. That means 2 more weeks of January

am i the asshole my asshole: sometimes

him: wanna do something kinky? me: yeah, tie me up and feed me taffy so I can’t pick it out of my teeth him: me: you can have some too

are my beans cool? -me flirting

I love that my silver hairs are growing in all kinky and witchy to match my upgraded personality

Can’t. Getting steroid injections in my jaw so I can eat a bag of beef jerky.

Ask your doctor if pharmaceutical grade grilled cheese sandwiches are right for you.

Doctor: Are you sexually active? Me: I've had a few strokes Doctor: And when were these? Me: Every morning before coffee for the last 8 years

Spooning always turns into forking at some point

Stopped in to see what's up Will probably disappear at some point