I know a pizza place where they cut the slices into shapes that sunder the mind into madness, does anyone want to go after work thurs

There's a war on for your mind. theonion.info

incredible to get this glimpse of the kinda shit we could be about on today of all days

just to be clear, everyone, when 8 pm EDT comes and goes, regardless of what does or does not happen, the president still threatened genocide and war crimes and we should still impeach, arrest, and try him

Let's hear the president out and see what he has to say -CFO of defense contractor who developed The Bridge Destroyer 4000

Titanic was a pretty successful film but with a few alterations I believe it could have been even bigger. Here are the eight changes I would make:

Me, had a medium-successful Neopets shop when I was 12: As a small business owner,

Damn I really needed $25 for advertising Galaxy Lights today

Is anyone else still chasing their childhood dreams? Like is it too late for me to play for the 1998 Chicago Bulls

This is really the perfect use of generative AI: to create a report whose purpose is solely to exist as A Report, which no one is supposed to read because no one involved in its creation even pretends to have the slightest genuine interest in the actual facts at issue.

Scientifically speaking, Miller High Life is one of very few physical fluids that make you want to go back and fight your old gym teacher

It's so funny the gov gave us IDs that aren't good enough. "Hey great job on that driving test here's your ID but be careful it sucks and it doesn't work, congrats though"

I am super allergic to cats and also cats are obsessed with me which I think is some sort of ancient greek mythological curse

I love that like 5000 years ago someone invented beer and was like hey guys this old bread water makes you fucking shred at karaoke

alright everybody stand up for this person to sing a really hard song about the war of 1812 solo a cappella, if they fuck up it will haunt them forever. then we’ll play some baseball

putting live tesla stock updates on the TV and watching it go up and down with the homies like it’s the superbowl

the fact that people are being disappeared in the name of ""preventing antisemitism"" by a christian nationalist administration is making me nauseated and horrified in ways i cant even begin to explain

Notice how whenever they "curb antisemitism" by making an example of people, it's always university protesters who don't say anything regarding Jews or Judaism and it's never grown packs of white men marching the streets with swastikas.

[watching the super bowl two weeks after the Eagles never responded to the letter I sent them about how good I would be on the team] Me: I would have caught that

I can't tell you how many people told me it was impossible for Joe Biden to remove one guy running the post office

I bet there are so many congress members like "oh man this is going to be great for my next donor solicitation email"

Dem senators are like "this administration is dismantling our democracy. They must be stopped." and then when they're asked to confirm The Duke of Fascism to Secretary of State they're like "oh yeah for sure"

president trump please save digg dot com

I hate that TikTok got banned, my partner keeps making me do all the dances now

They're banning TikTok bc I made a video where I explained that technically a burrito is ravioli

On the bright side, at least it can't get any worse. Hold on, I must take a comically voluminous sip of my beverage.

Putting “guy who asked Adam Driver’s character the question in the middle of a Megalopolis screening” on my resume because nobody can fact check it

When I was 10 the Flintstones vitamin was basically the Limitless pill

Her: his insta explore is probably all girls in bikinis My insta explore:

Sometimes twitter being overrun by weirdo chumps is actually very funny

I love remembering that I wrote a draft in the middle of the night

No I wont get up to pee, I’m too cozy. I’ll just lay here awake and think about how badly I have to pee

"Joking about people you don't like being killed isn't funny. Real humor is voiceover videos of babies, car insurance commercials, and when people *I* don't like are killed"

Jailer: You're gotta rot in here Me, loves fermentation: Good rot or bad rot?

mugger: gimme all your cash me: lmao my WHAT?

They should keep making bigger bad guys for Reacher to face. Make him fight the Statue of Liberty

It's hard to explain but when you're a millennial and you hear Phoenix you heal 10 hp

My body is a temple but one of those fucked up ones where you sacrifice like half a block of cheddar and then the gods get mad that you did that

Me and two other dudes at Whole Foods picking up oranges and inspecting them and putting them back over and over, with the shared knowledge that none of us know what we're doing

Americano Oat Milk

Mainstream media has no idea what they're talking about. First off, milk comes from cows not birds. Even if cows *could* get the flu, they wouldn't be able to get a vaccine for it since cows aren't allowed in CVS.

made a pack of some of the funniest sharks in the sky 💖🦈 go.bsky.app/HQZTBxx

He died doing the thing he loved the most- getting shot and killed outside a Manhattan hotel in an apparent targeted attack

"You can't even say Merry Christmas anymore" actually you can! But I will find you.

Unfortunately part of Bluesky being the New Twitter means that you all have to see my Spotify Wrapped

about to go stage at a rap battle and i see my opponent holding a file with my name on it i glance in the crowd and my therapist is there wearing a new fur coat

NSA agent listening to my house: she uses the same voice for all of the dogs. pathetic.

Me: I just want to say that the examining room is really cold and that it's actually so normal sized. Like so normal it's insane. Person at the front desk just trying to get my insurance info: ok.

$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkout’s whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, in that order. unlimited breakfast - you can eat costco sausages til you die for all we care $275/night hotel: OHHH, so his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he???